Snark Scribe

A Sigh of Relief

2009-09-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

For the past several months my fiance and I have been trying to buy a house.

For the past month we have been dealing with unexpected delays, demands and other issues that have drained me of my spare time.

Before this, I did not know there were so many people involved in the home-buying process that needed to coordinate their efforts. There was a realtor, realtor's assistant, mortgage broker, underwriter, home inspector, roof inspector, home appraiser, title officer, title officer's assistant, processor, notary and probably some other people I'm forgetting.

When I get collected I will write about the comedy of errors.

But right now I am very relieved. We got the keys this week.

We are homeowners!

A Terrible Name for Your Child

2009-08-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

A co-worker told me a story about a class he took in college. On the first day, the professor called roll. As he read off the list of names he reached one that gave him pause.

"Um," he said hesitantly, "I'm not sure how this is pronounced so I'll say it the way it's spelled. Is there a Shithead here?"

A girl stood up and said, "Professor, it's pronounced Shuh-theed."

Leering and Staring

2009-08-22T10:47:00.001-07:00

At work we had to attend a sexual harassment prevention seminar. The speaker gave a Powerpoint presentation. One of the slides contained a list of inappropriate behavior, such as touching, gestures, leering and staring.

The speaker told us that in a previous class a creeper said, "What? Leering and staring isn't sexual harassment! I do it all the time!"

When met with shock, the creeper asked the speaker, "Come on, don't you leer and stare?" The answer was no.

At the end of class the creeper wrote "If you don't leer you're queer" on the seminar evaluation form, and signed his full name.

The idiot does not work for the department anymore.

Stupid Arguments

2009-08-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

I witnessed a man and a woman debating the merits of holes of different sizes. (I have no idea how this started). The woman was in favor of small holes while the man preferred large ones.

Woman: "Yeah but large holes are like pot holes. It isn't cool to be driving and have your car go off the road because of some big ass hole in front of you."

Man: "Hahaha. And tiger holes, don't they have spikes on the bottom?"

Woman: "There's a low probability you'll step into a gopher hole but if you do you'll sprain your ankle."

Man: "Then you'd have to be put to sleep."

They both laughed and then discussed snake pits.

Shiny

2009-08-03T06:04:00.001-07:00

In the area I live in, a mortgage is cheaper than rent, so my fiance and I are hoping to buy a home. Our realtor's assistant picked up some paperwork from us the other day. He drove up in a brand new Porsche that still had the dealer's sticker.

While we were in the parking lot together, a number of people walked by and openly admired the car.

If even the realtor's assistant can afford a shiny new sports car, I think the current housing market must be treating agents very well.

Stalker Bus

2009-07-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys, this is a bad way to pick up a girl:

On the bus I saw a man asking a female passenger miscellaneous questions about her life, and telling her about his. She was obviously bored, and trying to give him brief replies such as, "I guess" and "you know."

As the bus neared its destination the guy decided to take a leap. He said, "So, do you have any stalkers?" (Translation, "I could fill that gap in your life.")

She looked at him like he had tentacles sprouting out of his ears. "What?"

He clarified. "Any romantic prospects?"

She told him no and got off the bus.

Auntie Val

2009-07-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of collecting names and addresses to send out save the date cards for my wedding. The list is mostly friends and close family, but there are some family members I've decided not to send an announcement to. One of those is my elderly "Auntie Val."

When I graduated high school I sent announcements to many of my family, including Auntie Val. She responded with a very depressing letter. She told me how glad she was that I was pursuing my education, because she didn't have a chance to go to college and her dreams were crushed. Her life was terrible and her marriage was a failure, and she thought about committing suicide on her wedding day. (Did I mention Auntie Val is a bit odd?)

After my mom read her letter she said, "Don't send her a college announcement. Who knows what she'll write next time." I think if I send Auntie Val a save the date card she may respond with, "Congratulations. I'm glad you have a chance to have a good life with a man. If you're lucky he won't be a cheating lying bastard and you won't name your son after a reviled man in history and you won't become estranged from your children and siblings and move to another state and be labeled crazy."

During high school, Auntie Val also sent me a photo of herself. It arrived framed, as if she was sure I wouldn't put it on the mantle unless it was ready to display. (My family digs out that photo whenever she comes to visit from out of state).

During one of her visits she decided to bring me an eclectic collection of gifts. These included printer labels and two boxes of tampons. When my mother tried to politely dissuade her from giving me more tampons in the future by saying it wasn't necessary for her to give me such things, Auntie Val misunderstood. She exclaimed, "She's a big girl now! She's pretty late if she doesn't need tampons!"

The last time I saw Auntie Val was at my grandmother's funeral, which was a traditional Asian ceremony where we burned incense and paper money. Auntie Val, the only Catholic in the family, was apparently offended by our "pagan" practices. She was rude during the ceremony, and behaved coldly towards the family. She didn't seem to realize that what Grandma would have wanted was the most important thing.

If Auntie Val shows up to my wedding and starts throwing a fit because it's a secular outdoor ceremony without a full Mass, I think my family is prepared to ninja her away.

Barfight Sarah

2009-06-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

My co-worker, who enjoys regaling us with tales of her "redneck" family, has a cousin whose nickname is "Barfight Sarah."

Her nose was broken during a tavern brawl, but she was too drunk to go to the hospital and have it set. Her nose healed in a crooked shape, and she had to get plastic surgery to fix it.

Barfight Sarah is currently pregnant with her second child during her first year of marriage to a much younger man that the family suspects is a drug dealer.

Kids, this is why you shouldn't drink.

Overheard

2009-06-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

Parent to Child: " No, you can't have that. It has chocolate in it, which has sugar in it, which makes you crazy, which makes Daddy crazy."

Whistle While You Work

2009-06-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've been very busy the past two weeks working at my new job! I'm starting at a very interesting time.

Next week the lab is being audited. The managers and supervisors are running around, making sure everyone has their paperwork up-to-date. Some of the training manuals and miscellaneous documentation that new employees take weeks or months to do, I need to do immediately.

One of the supervisors calls me the "miracle child." Due to budget problems, lots of positions got cut - right after I got hired. The student workers got laid off 5 days after I started working.

It's a scary, but exciting time.

Psych Experiment

2009-06-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has a very odd younger brother. At her birthday party he proudly told us about the psychological experiments he was conducting in public restrooms. Mainly, Pee Boy wanted to make people uncomfortable.

Experiment 1: The Wide Stance
Pee Boy spread his legs far enough to brush against the man in the next stall. Each time, the man would move away. PB would spread his legs further and further until the subject was urinating with his own feet together, to avoid touching him.

Experiment 2: Satisfaction
PB stood at a urinal, sighing like a person who was very relieved to finally use the bathroom. His sighs of content would get louder and louder, until any men who entered the bathroom was unnerved enough by his behavior that they not only refused to use the urinal next to him, but any urinal at all. PB said a small herd of men eventually gathered in the far corner of the bathroom, waiting for their turn, despite the many urinals available.

Experiment 3: Personal Interaction
Men have an unspoken rule about urinal use. Unless there is no choice, one must not select the urinal next to one already in use. Pee Boy broke this rule. In addition, he broke the second unspoken rule about keeping his eyes straight ahead, and the third unspoken rule about not starting conversations. PB stood at a urinal next to a man, turned to him and said "Nice."

The man freaked out, stopped urinating mid-stream, and fled into a stall.

I'm surprised no one beat up Pee Boy.

Smurfy

2009-06-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

A peek into the type of weird conversations I have with my fiance:

Fiance: "I wonder what color a Smurf would turn if you strangled it."
Me: "Before or after it starts to rot?"
Fiance: "Before of course."
Me: "Are we assuming that it has a hemoglobin-based circulatory system?"
Fiance: "I hypothesize that Smurfs have an open circulatory system. Their round, ill-defined appendages suggest the pooling of a fluid I call 'smurfolymph' within."
Me: "In that case I don't think they'd change color until the smurfolymph began to oxidize."

Freedom

2009-05-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I turned in my thesis, with all the signatures from my committee.

I visited my program director and gave him a copy.

I went to the Registrar and paid to have my diploma mailed.

I turned in my keys and got my deposit back. (The key lady was ecstatic that I brought back the receipts. She said I was the first person to ever do that, and it made her job easier).

I cleaned up my lab space, and threw away unneeded items. I passed things to people who could use them.

I had lunch with my old lab-mates.

I got to ring the special bell in Graduate Studies.

I went home and slept for 11 hours, because for the first time in a long time I did not have a lot of responsibilities the next day.

I am done with my Master's degree. Woohoo!

Peeing in a Cup

2009-05-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

I am very optimistic about starting work soon.

I received a letter saying my background check is complete, and earlier this week I went in for a drug test.

I was still recovering from a cough earlier this month, but as a precaution I stopped taking my cough syrup. I also stopped taking my allergy medication because I was paranoid that I would get false positives from the drug test. (One of my friends had to repeat a urine test and was told "Next time don't take a multivitamin.")

I told my mother to stop feeding me Chinese herbal and nutritional supplements. She agreed, then changed her mind the morning of the test. "Take some of these! They're good for you. They're natural so it's okay." No thanks, Mom. I don't want to explain to my future employer I failed a drug test because I was drinking concoctions with mysterious ingredients.

The day of the drug test I waited for about 1.5 hours. Perhaps this was to ensure I could make sufficient urine for testing but I was ready to go when I arrived. This was very uncomfortable.

When my name was called I ran over and practically snatched the cup from the nurse. She indicated they only need to fill the cup up about a quarter of the way, and that was not a problem for me.

I was told not to flush the toilet until the nurse had finished her inspection. There was also no sink inside the bathroom to wash my hands. I suppose this was to prevent people who smuggle in other urine from flushing/washing evidence away.

As a germaphobe, it took much willpower not to flush the toilet or wash my hands before I gathered up my belongings and handed my cup to the nurse.

Ew.

I'm glad it's over, but it's a very small price to pay if I am employed soon!

My fiance says it makes him so "happy I get to pee in a cup."

Don't Mess With Mom

2009-05-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's Mother's Day today, and I would like to give you a small glimpse of why growing up with my Mom was both terrifying and awesome.

Normal mothers kill crabs by boiling them.

My Mom would rip off the crab's leg, then use it to stab it to death. She would push the pointy tip of the leg through the wound she just created.

That's equivalent to a Wookie ripping off your arm and beating you to death with it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Meat Cake

2009-05-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

A male friend of mine made me a pie once, which was so awful I had to blog about it.

Recently, he had a birthday party and informed me he was making a "meat cake." I was horrified when I heard this. Given his past history, I imagined a revolting concoction of ground beef, cake batter and frosting.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that he baked a rather good meat loaf in the shape of a cake, and then covered it with mashed potatoes to resemble frosting. The cake was decorated with peas and carrots.

It was rather clever and tasty, and I'm very glad that he is no longer making "magic pie."

The Power of Marketing

2009-04-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

My boss spent time in Ethiopia, where some of the citizens gave themselves English names, in addition to their ethnic birth names. However, due to the fact that English was not their first language, they had trouble distinguishing between names for people, and names for things.

My boss met a woman who introduced herself by saying, "Hi, you can call me Pepsi!"

I think she'd get along quite well with the little girl named Diot Coke.

Chugging Along

2009-04-30T21:14:00.001-07:00

The state has changed its mind, and it appears hiring is on again.

Fingers crossed.

Poor Government

2009-04-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am currently job hunting at a time that seems less than ideal.

I just found out that the state position I interviewed for 2 months ago, and went through a background check for, has been eliminated due to a lack of funds.

The county job I interviewed for last year, and that I was the top candidate for, is on hiatus due to a lack of funds.

The city job I applied for has also had all interviews cancelled due to a lack of funds.

What the hell is happening?

I spent yesterday looking at jobs online, and it's definitely a desperate market that favors the employer. Some positions are asking for 5-7 years industry experience, when a couple years ago they were looking for 3-4. I saw some jobs that could be done by someone with a Master's degree, or a Bachelor's degree and some experience, that now require a PhD.

I applied for a job yesterday that asked applicants to include their preferred salary range with their resume. Once you submitted your information online, you received an automated message reminding you that you would not be considered if you did not include this information.

I can understand a job listing only providing an approximate pay range, or stating "salary dependent on experience" but to force someone to give a figure prior to the interview (and finding out the exact job duties) strikes me as a bit shady. I feel the employer is hoping someone will lowball themselves and they can save some money on the salary.

I suppose this is common for office positions, but in my past experience science jobs were always upfront with their payscale.

I spent $40,000 out of my own pocket for my Master's degree. I hope I get something back eventually.

Poor Perseus

2009-04-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

I originally read this particular Craiglist ad a while ago, but I've rediscovered it and it's good for a laugh each time. Each person I show it to reads it and makes funny faces that show their growing horror at the laundry list of desirable and very specific qualities this man requires in his ideal girlfriend. When I scroll to the bottom of the ad where the would-be Romeo has a picture of himself, everyone says "Ough!" without fail. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but doesn't understand that in the cruel world of dating, if you're trying to hook a hot girl, you shouldn't post a red-faced, double-chinned photo of yourself grimacing in a science t-shirt.

Perseus is looking for love. He says he likes "my women with some meat on them" but requires his ideal woman to be no larger than 115 pounds. (My female friends think he's looking for a dwarf).

He's specifically looking for Asian women, but prefers "Nihonese," which is another way of saying "I'm a Wapanese tard."

He's 22, but okay with dating 16-year olds, possibly because women his age know better.

He wants someone with a "Traditional Ladies' education" which means needlework and French to me, but I think he's looking for subservience.

A bonus is if his lady love owns a "Large collection of animé and manga" so he can borrow her cartoon DVDs and comic books and "enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé."

Perseus also wants to make sure you understand he's not looking for a " 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside."

Sorry, I don't think you will be a boy toy anytime soon.

Rainbow Bridesmaids

2009-04-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was drafted as a bridesmaid in a rainbow-themed wedding. The plan was to have 7 bridesmaids, each dressed in a different color of the rainbow.

Some other women called dibs on blue and red first. My friend was left with orange.

Furthermore, all the dresses were trimmed with black accents.

She looked like a Jack-O-Lantern at the wedding.

April Fools Recap

2009-04-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

I was amused by Google's yearly Aprils Fool's Day joke: The Gmail Autopilot.

I assumed everyone else would catch on that it was fake, especially after reading the letter to the Nigerian scammer Prince Eboh, but that was not the case. A friend told me her husband spent half an hour trying to set it up, then got really mad when he found it was a fraud. (The fact that his wife laughed until she couldn't breathe probably contributed to his unhappiness).

I did fall for one joke. An old classmate announced on Facebook that he was engaged. He had told some people earlier that his parents were introducing him to an Indian girl that week, so everyone assumed it was an arranged marriage that worked out. After garnering many congratulations he told us it was a lie. I think he cheated because he announced the engagement March 31.

I'll get you next year!

Overheard

2009-03-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

College-aged female on phone:

"You need to take me into consideration. I hate Boston! It's cold. It's all white. I thought if I lived there a while I'd like it. But I don't! You need to take me into consideration. I take you into consideration. I go shopping with you!"

For some reason this reminds of a quote from a documentary called "Born Rich."

Interviewer: "Would you ever fall in love with a poor man?"
Socialite: "Yeah, I guess. But he'd have to understand I really like shopping."

Ice Fighting

2009-03-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

I went to my first hockey game last night even though I'm generally not interested in sports. I've never even been to a high school football game, so I had a feeling I was going to be bored. Actually, I found it rather amusing how they shuffled players in and out of the rink very quickly while the game was ongoing. I was impressed by their ability to cycle while other team members were still battling for the puck elsewhere on the ice. Sometimes instead of using the little doors the players simply crawled over the edge of their enclosure like roaches.

However, I must admit I was hoping to see a brawl.

I was not disappointed. I'm not sure how the fight started, but all of a sudden two men threw down their hockey sticks, removed their gloves and started punching each other.

It was awesome.

I thought, "This is much better that a huge pile of men shoving each other. These guys took off their gloves! And the referees didn't separate them right away!"

To my surprise, I later found out that fighting is condoned, and there are rules about what is acceptable fighting. There's an entire Wikipedia article about it.

I may have to start watching more sports.

Medical Volunteer

2009-03-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is in medical school, and is currently practicing basic exams on volunteer patients. Recently, her class learned how to perform rectal and prostate exams on faux patients that were paid $100 an hour.

The first patient was nervous and somewhat embarrassed. The poor man probably volunteered due to financial need.

The second patient was quite the opposite of shy. Prior to leading the medical students into the exam room, the instructor said, "I don't want you to be alarmed, but this next patient is a nudist and will not be wearing any clothes."

According to my friend, not only was he stark naked, but he was "posing." He greeted all the students with a warm, "Hi, how are you doing?"

The students found out that he was a habitual volunteer for the rectal exams at a different medical school. Whenever he moved to a new area, he contacted the nearest school in his new hometown and announced his arrival.

The instructor later said, "I'm not sure whether the fact that he is very experienced is a good thing, or a disturbing thing."

My theory is that the nudist volunteer enjoys the exams, and thinks being paid to be naked is the greatest thing ever.