Snark Scribe

Emotionally Unstable

2010-03-22T16:40:00.001-07:00

I am getting a wee bit tired of tip-toeing around the weird girl at work. She's very shy and quiet, and has self-esteem problems, so I've always been extra nice to her.

I now realize that she is bat shit insane.

I work for a government laboratory where everything is meticulously documented and triple-checked. It is standard protocol to review someone else's work and notify them to fix errors, even if it's something minor like forgetting to initial something.

Recently, while working on a project I found that Miss Unstable submitted an unnecessary request for outside services, for an issue that had already been resolved. I sent her a courtesy email to let her know the issue was corrected and I had removed her request.

Instead of reading my email as "Hey just to let you know this was fixed after you sent in the request no worries!" somehow she misinterpreted it to mean "You screwed up and you're dumb! I will review all your work because I am petty! Bwahahaha!"

She stormed into the other project leader's office, literally in TEARS, and insisted I denied the request because I had a vendetta against her, and would rather quit the project than work on anything where I was in charge.

The Project Leader calmly explained that I did not know who had submitted the services request at the time I decided it was unnecessary, and that it was the Project Leader who had looked up the requester and asked me to send the courtesy email to Ms. Unstable, after she concurred that the request was unnecessary.

This did not convince Ms. Unstable. "You don't understand! She's always been bitchy to me!"

This was a surprise to me and the Project Leader, who then found out that Ms. Unstable had been nursing a grudge for months over a perceived slight. The "always been bitchy" referred to ONE other incident of her being bat shit crazy. One time she had to go home early and I offered to finish her part of the project we were both working on since management told us it was a rush job that should be completed ASAP.

Instead of thinking "how nice" Ms. Unstable thought, "OMG. She thinks I'm slow and incompetent."

I am now planning to avoid her like the plague if her paranoia allows her to twist every kind gesture into something sinister.

After her tearful rant in the Project Leader's office was not met with agreement, she stormed out and shopped her "Woe is me" speech around. Everyone's reaction was "If you can't get along with Snark, it's not Snark's problem." I presume she realized she was not winning the PR campaign, because later that day she went back to the Project Leader's office and backtracked. "Uh, I hope you don't think I was angry at Snark. I wasn't implying that at all. I don't want any rumors to start or people to think I don't like her, and you don't need to talk to management about my behavior."

She then sent me an email explaining why she had submitted the services request, and why she would continue to do so. It was politely worded, but essentially said, "I didn't do anything wrong and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing."

The Proselytizer

2010-02-28T08:05:00.000-08:00

At my current job there was an employee who made everyone uncomfortable. She left religious pamphlets on desks. When she was told by management that it was inappropriate to do things like that at a government agency, she complained that it violated her religious freedom to be unable to violate other people's freedom to be free from being preached to at work.

When she found out a co-worker was gay she told him it "would be a good idea" if he agreed to go to church with her. Afterwards, we started joking "She wants him to pray the gay away!"

I don't think people would have minded this behavior so much if she hadn't been a crappy employee as well.

She regularly called out sick, or showed up very late, when she was assigned to work on projects or with people she didn't like. One time she told a group of us that she had plans and was going to be gone on Friday. Everyone assumed she had an approved vacation and management had been notified. That Friday, a supervisor told us that she was "out sick." I didn't know it was possible to plan being sick 3 days in advance.

One time I was doing a team project with her and the employee she tried to "fix." While the two of us were working we found she was surfing the internet. When he told her "Um, we're a little shorthanded today so everyone has to pitch in and do their part" she ignored him. A long pause later she asked, "Were you talking to me?"

Management grew to dislike her as well. Since all of us had to go through extensive and expensive background checks and training, we agreed to stay for a minimum of 2 years when we were offered the job. 6 or 7 months after the Proselytizer started working, she quit her job. She revealed that she was planning to go back to school, and had applied a while back. She took the job fully knowing she wasn't planning to stay, and deprived someone else who really wanted the position the opportunity.

On her last day at the job she distributed gifts. They were books written by a preacher known for his "gayness can be cured" ideology. She left them on the desks of people who were nice enough to talk to her (and she erroneously thought agreed with her), and also on the desk of the resident metrosexual.

The metrosexual was very, very mad.

Paranoia

2010-02-15T08:37:00.000-08:00

When I started working at my current job people told me about a former employee that had to be escorted out of the building on her last day.

During her time at work it became painfully clear that she had some mental problems.

She would stand outside doors, waiting for someone to let her in (instead of opening them herself) because "they're tracking me."

She once passed a note to a co-worker that said, "I can't talk out loud. They're listening."

I'm not sure if anyone figured out who "They" are.

If she was assigned to work in a particular area for a period of time, she would use a notebook to record how many times she saw other employees walk past her.

On her last day, she sang to herself as security escorted her out.

---

Next time: The religious nut.

5 Months?

2010-02-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

Someone spammed one of my posts with links to a porn site. When I got the notification I realized it's been nearly 5 months since I posted.

Holy crap, where does the time go?

Since my last post I have been knee-deep in moving, house repairs, cleaning, wedding planning, cleaning, overtime at work, cleaning . . .

The good news is that being busy at a job means new crazy co-worker stories.

A Sigh of Relief

2009-09-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

For the past several months my fiance and I have been trying to buy a house.

For the past month we have been dealing with unexpected delays, demands and other issues that have drained me of my spare time.

Before this, I did not know there were so many people involved in the home-buying process that needed to coordinate their efforts. There was a realtor, realtor's assistant, mortgage broker, underwriter, home inspector, roof inspector, home appraiser, title officer, title officer's assistant, processor, notary and probably some other people I'm forgetting.

When I get collected I will write about the comedy of errors.

But right now I am very relieved. We got the keys this week.

We are homeowners!

A Terrible Name for Your Child

2009-08-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

A co-worker told me a story about a class he took in college. On the first day, the professor called roll. As he read off the list of names he reached one that gave him pause.

"Um," he said hesitantly, "I'm not sure how this is pronounced so I'll say it the way it's spelled. Is there a Shithead here?"

A girl stood up and said, "Professor, it's pronounced Shuh-theed."

Leering and Staring

2009-08-22T10:47:00.001-07:00

At work we had to attend a sexual harassment prevention seminar. The speaker gave a Powerpoint presentation. One of the slides contained a list of inappropriate behavior, such as touching, gestures, leering and staring.

The speaker told us that in a previous class a creeper said, "What? Leering and staring isn't sexual harassment! I do it all the time!"

When met with shock, the creeper asked the speaker, "Come on, don't you leer and stare?" The answer was no.

At the end of class the creeper wrote "If you don't leer you're queer" on the seminar evaluation form, and signed his full name.

The idiot does not work for the department anymore.

Stupid Arguments

2009-08-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

I witnessed a man and a woman debating the merits of holes of different sizes. (I have no idea how this started). The woman was in favor of small holes while the man preferred large ones.

Woman: "Yeah but large holes are like pot holes. It isn't cool to be driving and have your car go off the road because of some big ass hole in front of you."

Man: "Hahaha. And tiger holes, don't they have spikes on the bottom?"

Woman: "There's a low probability you'll step into a gopher hole but if you do you'll sprain your ankle."

Man: "Then you'd have to be put to sleep."

They both laughed and then discussed snake pits.

Shiny

2009-08-03T06:04:00.001-07:00

In the area I live in, a mortgage is cheaper than rent, so my fiance and I are hoping to buy a home. Our realtor's assistant picked up some paperwork from us the other day. He drove up in a brand new Porsche that still had the dealer's sticker.

While we were in the parking lot together, a number of people walked by and openly admired the car.

If even the realtor's assistant can afford a shiny new sports car, I think the current housing market must be treating agents very well.

Stalker Bus

2009-07-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys, this is a bad way to pick up a girl:

On the bus I saw a man asking a female passenger miscellaneous questions about her life, and telling her about his. She was obviously bored, and trying to give him brief replies such as, "I guess" and "you know."

As the bus neared its destination the guy decided to take a leap. He said, "So, do you have any stalkers?" (Translation, "I could fill that gap in your life.")

She looked at him like he had tentacles sprouting out of his ears. "What?"

He clarified. "Any romantic prospects?"

She told him no and got off the bus.

Auntie Val

2009-07-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of collecting names and addresses to send out save the date cards for my wedding. The list is mostly friends and close family, but there are some family members I've decided not to send an announcement to. One of those is my elderly "Auntie Val."

When I graduated high school I sent announcements to many of my family, including Auntie Val. She responded with a very depressing letter. She told me how glad she was that I was pursuing my education, because she didn't have a chance to go to college and her dreams were crushed. Her life was terrible and her marriage was a failure, and she thought about committing suicide on her wedding day. (Did I mention Auntie Val is a bit odd?)

After my mom read her letter she said, "Don't send her a college announcement. Who knows what she'll write next time." I think if I send Auntie Val a save the date card she may respond with, "Congratulations. I'm glad you have a chance to have a good life with a man. If you're lucky he won't be a cheating lying bastard and you won't name your son after a reviled man in history and you won't become estranged from your children and siblings and move to another state and be labeled crazy."

During high school, Auntie Val also sent me a photo of herself. It arrived framed, as if she was sure I wouldn't put it on the mantle unless it was ready to display. (My family digs out that photo whenever she comes to visit from out of state).

During one of her visits she decided to bring me an eclectic collection of gifts. These included printer labels and two boxes of tampons. When my mother tried to politely dissuade her from giving me more tampons in the future by saying it wasn't necessary for her to give me such things, Auntie Val misunderstood. She exclaimed, "She's a big girl now! She's pretty late if she doesn't need tampons!"

The last time I saw Auntie Val was at my grandmother's funeral, which was a traditional Asian ceremony where we burned incense and paper money. Auntie Val, the only Catholic in the family, was apparently offended by our "pagan" practices. She was rude during the ceremony, and behaved coldly towards the family. She didn't seem to realize that what Grandma would have wanted was the most important thing.

If Auntie Val shows up to my wedding and starts throwing a fit because it's a secular outdoor ceremony without a full Mass, I think my family is prepared to ninja her away.

Barfight Sarah

2009-06-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

My co-worker, who enjoys regaling us with tales of her "redneck" family, has a cousin whose nickname is "Barfight Sarah."

Her nose was broken during a tavern brawl, but she was too drunk to go to the hospital and have it set. Her nose healed in a crooked shape, and she had to get plastic surgery to fix it.

Barfight Sarah is currently pregnant with her second child during her first year of marriage to a much younger man that the family suspects is a drug dealer.

Kids, this is why you shouldn't drink.

Overheard

2009-06-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

Parent to Child: " No, you can't have that. It has chocolate in it, which has sugar in it, which makes you crazy, which makes Daddy crazy."

Whistle While You Work

2009-06-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

I've been very busy the past two weeks working at my new job! I'm starting at a very interesting time.

Next week the lab is being audited. The managers and supervisors are running around, making sure everyone has their paperwork up-to-date. Some of the training manuals and miscellaneous documentation that new employees take weeks or months to do, I need to do immediately.

One of the supervisors calls me the "miracle child." Due to budget problems, lots of positions got cut - right after I got hired. The student workers got laid off 5 days after I started working.

It's a scary, but exciting time.

Psych Experiment

2009-06-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has a very odd younger brother. At her birthday party he proudly told us about the psychological experiments he was conducting in public restrooms. Mainly, Pee Boy wanted to make people uncomfortable.

Experiment 1: The Wide Stance
Pee Boy spread his legs far enough to brush against the man in the next stall. Each time, the man would move away. PB would spread his legs further and further until the subject was urinating with his own feet together, to avoid touching him.

Experiment 2: Satisfaction
PB stood at a urinal, sighing like a person who was very relieved to finally use the bathroom. His sighs of content would get louder and louder, until any men who entered the bathroom was unnerved enough by his behavior that they not only refused to use the urinal next to him, but any urinal at all. PB said a small herd of men eventually gathered in the far corner of the bathroom, waiting for their turn, despite the many urinals available.

Experiment 3: Personal Interaction
Men have an unspoken rule about urinal use. Unless there is no choice, one must not select the urinal next to one already in use. Pee Boy broke this rule. In addition, he broke the second unspoken rule about keeping his eyes straight ahead, and the third unspoken rule about not starting conversations. PB stood at a urinal next to a man, turned to him and said "Nice."

The man freaked out, stopped urinating mid-stream, and fled into a stall.

I'm surprised no one beat up Pee Boy.

Smurfy

2009-06-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

A peek into the type of weird conversations I have with my fiance:

Fiance: "I wonder what color a Smurf would turn if you strangled it."
Me: "Before or after it starts to rot?"
Fiance: "Before of course."
Me: "Are we assuming that it has a hemoglobin-based circulatory system?"
Fiance: "I hypothesize that Smurfs have an open circulatory system. Their round, ill-defined appendages suggest the pooling of a fluid I call 'smurfolymph' within."
Me: "In that case I don't think they'd change color until the smurfolymph began to oxidize."

Freedom

2009-05-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I turned in my thesis, with all the signatures from my committee.

I visited my program director and gave him a copy.

I went to the Registrar and paid to have my diploma mailed.

I turned in my keys and got my deposit back. (The key lady was ecstatic that I brought back the receipts. She said I was the first person to ever do that, and it made her job easier).

I cleaned up my lab space, and threw away unneeded items. I passed things to people who could use them.

I had lunch with my old lab-mates.

I got to ring the special bell in Graduate Studies.

I went home and slept for 11 hours, because for the first time in a long time I did not have a lot of responsibilities the next day.

I am done with my Master's degree. Woohoo!

Peeing in a Cup

2009-05-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

I am very optimistic about starting work soon.

I received a letter saying my background check is complete, and earlier this week I went in for a drug test.

I was still recovering from a cough earlier this month, but as a precaution I stopped taking my cough syrup. I also stopped taking my allergy medication because I was paranoid that I would get false positives from the drug test. (One of my friends had to repeat a urine test and was told "Next time don't take a multivitamin.")

I told my mother to stop feeding me Chinese herbal and nutritional supplements. She agreed, then changed her mind the morning of the test. "Take some of these! They're good for you. They're natural so it's okay." No thanks, Mom. I don't want to explain to my future employer I failed a drug test because I was drinking concoctions with mysterious ingredients.

The day of the drug test I waited for about 1.5 hours. Perhaps this was to ensure I could make sufficient urine for testing but I was ready to go when I arrived. This was very uncomfortable.

When my name was called I ran over and practically snatched the cup from the nurse. She indicated they only need to fill the cup up about a quarter of the way, and that was not a problem for me.

I was told not to flush the toilet until the nurse had finished her inspection. There was also no sink inside the bathroom to wash my hands. I suppose this was to prevent people who smuggle in other urine from flushing/washing evidence away.

As a germaphobe, it took much willpower not to flush the toilet or wash my hands before I gathered up my belongings and handed my cup to the nurse.

Ew.

I'm glad it's over, but it's a very small price to pay if I am employed soon!

My fiance says it makes him so "happy I get to pee in a cup."

Don't Mess With Mom

2009-05-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's Mother's Day today, and I would like to give you a small glimpse of why growing up with my Mom was both terrifying and awesome.

Normal mothers kill crabs by boiling them.

My Mom would rip off the crab's leg, then use it to stab it to death. She would push the pointy tip of the leg through the wound she just created.

That's equivalent to a Wookie ripping off your arm and beating you to death with it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Meat Cake

2009-05-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

A male friend of mine made me a pie once, which was so awful I had to blog about it.

Recently, he had a birthday party and informed me he was making a "meat cake." I was horrified when I heard this. Given his past history, I imagined a revolting concoction of ground beef, cake batter and frosting.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that he baked a rather good meat loaf in the shape of a cake, and then covered it with mashed potatoes to resemble frosting. The cake was decorated with peas and carrots.

It was rather clever and tasty, and I'm very glad that he is no longer making "magic pie."

The Power of Marketing

2009-04-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

My boss spent time in Ethiopia, where some of the citizens gave themselves English names, in addition to their ethnic birth names. However, due to the fact that English was not their first language, they had trouble distinguishing between names for people, and names for things.

My boss met a woman who introduced herself by saying, "Hi, you can call me Pepsi!"

I think she'd get along quite well with the little girl named Diot Coke.

Chugging Along

2009-04-30T21:14:00.001-07:00

The state has changed its mind, and it appears hiring is on again.

Fingers crossed.

Poor Government

2009-04-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am currently job hunting at a time that seems less than ideal.

I just found out that the state position I interviewed for 2 months ago, and went through a background check for, has been eliminated due to a lack of funds.

The county job I interviewed for last year, and that I was the top candidate for, is on hiatus due to a lack of funds.

The city job I applied for has also had all interviews cancelled due to a lack of funds.

What the hell is happening?

I spent yesterday looking at jobs online, and it's definitely a desperate market that favors the employer. Some positions are asking for 5-7 years industry experience, when a couple years ago they were looking for 3-4. I saw some jobs that could be done by someone with a Master's degree, or a Bachelor's degree and some experience, that now require a PhD.

I applied for a job yesterday that asked applicants to include their preferred salary range with their resume. Once you submitted your information online, you received an automated message reminding you that you would not be considered if you did not include this information.

I can understand a job listing only providing an approximate pay range, or stating "salary dependent on experience" but to force someone to give a figure prior to the interview (and finding out the exact job duties) strikes me as a bit shady. I feel the employer is hoping someone will lowball themselves and they can save some money on the salary.

I suppose this is common for office positions, but in my past experience science jobs were always upfront with their payscale.

I spent $40,000 out of my own pocket for my Master's degree. I hope I get something back eventually.

Poor Perseus

2009-04-07T17:44:00.000-07:00

I originally read this particular Craiglist ad a while ago, but I've rediscovered it and it's good for a laugh each time. Each person I show it to reads it and makes funny faces that show their growing horror at the laundry list of desirable and very specific qualities this man requires in his ideal girlfriend. When I scroll to the bottom of the ad where the would-be Romeo has a picture of himself, everyone says "Ough!" without fail. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but doesn't understand that in the cruel world of dating, if you're trying to hook a hot girl, you shouldn't post a red-faced, double-chinned photo of yourself grimacing in a science t-shirt.

Perseus is looking for love. He says he likes "my women with some meat on them" but requires his ideal woman to be no larger than 115 pounds. (My female friends think he's looking for a dwarf).

He's specifically looking for Asian women, but prefers "Nihonese," which is another way of saying "I'm a Wapanese tard."

He's 22, but okay with dating 16-year olds, possibly because women his age know better.

He wants someone with a "Traditional Ladies' education" which means needlework and French to me, but I think he's looking for subservience.

A bonus is if his lady love owns a "Large collection of animé and manga" so he can borrow her cartoon DVDs and comic books and "enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé."

Perseus also wants to make sure you understand he's not looking for a " 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside."

Sorry, I don't think you will be a boy toy anytime soon.

Rainbow Bridesmaids

2009-04-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was drafted as a bridesmaid in a rainbow-themed wedding. The plan was to have 7 bridesmaids, each dressed in a different color of the rainbow.

Some other women called dibs on blue and red first. My friend was left with orange.

Furthermore, all the dresses were trimmed with black accents.

She looked like a Jack-O-Lantern at the wedding.

April Fools Recap

2009-04-04T18:27:00.000-07:00

I was amused by Google's yearly Aprils Fool's Day joke: The Gmail Autopilot.

I assumed everyone else would catch on that it was fake, especially after reading the letter to the Nigerian scammer Prince Eboh, but that was not the case. A friend told me her husband spent half an hour trying to set it up, then got really mad when he found it was a fraud. (The fact that his wife laughed until she couldn't breathe probably contributed to his unhappiness).

I did fall for one joke. An old classmate announced on Facebook that he was engaged. He had told some people earlier that his parents were introducing him to an Indian girl that week, so everyone assumed it was an arranged marriage that worked out. After garnering many congratulations he told us it was a lie. I think he cheated because he announced the engagement March 31.

I'll get you next year!

Overheard

2009-03-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

College-aged female on phone:

"You need to take me into consideration. I hate Boston! It's cold. It's all white. I thought if I lived there a while I'd like it. But I don't! You need to take me into consideration. I take you into consideration. I go shopping with you!"

For some reason this reminds of a quote from a documentary called "Born Rich."

Interviewer: "Would you ever fall in love with a poor man?"
Socialite: "Yeah, I guess. But he'd have to understand I really like shopping."

Ice Fighting

2009-03-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

I went to my first hockey game last night even though I'm generally not interested in sports. I've never even been to a high school football game, so I had a feeling I was going to be bored. Actually, I found it rather amusing how they shuffled players in and out of the rink very quickly while the game was ongoing. I was impressed by their ability to cycle while other team members were still battling for the puck elsewhere on the ice. Sometimes instead of using the little doors the players simply crawled over the edge of their enclosure like roaches.

However, I must admit I was hoping to see a brawl.

I was not disappointed. I'm not sure how the fight started, but all of a sudden two men threw down their hockey sticks, removed their gloves and started punching each other.

It was awesome.

I thought, "This is much better that a huge pile of men shoving each other. These guys took off their gloves! And the referees didn't separate them right away!"

To my surprise, I later found out that fighting is condoned, and there are rules about what is acceptable fighting. There's an entire Wikipedia article about it.

I may have to start watching more sports.

Medical Volunteer

2009-03-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is in medical school, and is currently practicing basic exams on volunteer patients. Recently, her class learned how to perform rectal and prostate exams on faux patients that were paid $100 an hour.

The first patient was nervous and somewhat embarrassed. The poor man probably volunteered due to financial need.

The second patient was quite the opposite of shy. Prior to leading the medical students into the exam room, the instructor said, "I don't want you to be alarmed, but this next patient is a nudist and will not be wearing any clothes."

According to my friend, not only was he stark naked, but he was "posing." He greeted all the students with a warm, "Hi, how are you doing?"

The students found out that he was a habitual volunteer for the rectal exams at a different medical school. Whenever he moved to a new area, he contacted the nearest school in his new hometown and announced his arrival.

The instructor later said, "I'm not sure whether the fact that he is very experienced is a good thing, or a disturbing thing."

My theory is that the nudist volunteer enjoys the exams, and thinks being paid to be naked is the greatest thing ever.

Boy or Girl?

2009-03-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

A random memory from elementary school:

On the first day of first grade the teacher allowed the students to sit where they wanted. The classroom was arranged in tables with 4 chairs each. Since we were still at the age where the opposite sex had "cooties" all the students automatically sorted themselves by gender.

After everyone sat down the teacher said, "Oh look. All the girls are sitting at tables with other girls, and all the boys are sitting at tables with other boys."

Then she noticed one child who seemed out of place. "Oh except for you!" she said to a long-haired child sitting at a table of boys.

The child mumbled something shyly. The teacher looked confused. "What? Wait, are you a boy or girl?"

He responded that he was a boy.

"Oh I thought you were a girl."

The poor kid was screwed from day one.

Dead Penguins

2009-03-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

I bought my fiance 4 pairs of penguin boxers as a gift. He said the tags inside were scratchy, so I carefully used a seam ripper to pick apart the threads holding the tags in the boxers. I fixed 3 pairs but he was wearing one, so I said I'd do it another time.

Later, I found that pair in the trash.

I wasn't around and he got impatient, so he decided to cut the tags off with a pair of large scissors. He snipped one thread too many, and the boxers fell apart in the washing machine.

I think it would have been funnier if they fell apart while he was wearing them, but he's learned his lesson.

Kids These Days

2009-03-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Lazy High School Senior,

When your teacher told you to write an essay about a career you're interested in, and was nice enough to say, "Hey, I know someone who's associated with the field you want to write about and here's her email address" she did not give you a free pass to turn off your brain.

When the person you contacted said, "This is not my subspecialty, but you should talk to ____ and ______, and here's some really detailed career advice," you should probably respond with a "Thank you."

Also, if you send your contact a second email asking if you can job shadow her and she explains she can't because she's just a student writing her thesis, and reiterates that she's not even studying your subspecialty of interest, you should listen carefully.

This is because when you send your contact a third email asking her to fill out a questionnaire about the subspecialty she's not in, you look like an idiot.

By the way, telling your contact to "Do this ASAP because I need to turn it in at school tomorrow" will not elicit any sympathy.

Sincerely,
Snark

Road Trip

2009-03-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

My fiance and I are taking a trip this weekend to visit his parents, and we've decided that we will not be stopping in a particular place along the way.

On a past visit we used the gas station bathroom in a very conservative prison town in the middle of nowhere.

As I stood outside the bathroom waiting, I did not know that inside the mens' room my fiance was becoming increasingly disturbed by the racist graffiti inside. At first he thought it was funny that the little pictures of the KKK looked like Doritos chips, then he realized, "OMG. Snark is the only non-white person in this town, and she's standing outside alone in a bright red dress, probably smiling at people and looking innocent!"

He hurried out of the bathroom and told me, "Get in the car!"

"What?"

"Get in the car I'll tell you later!"

Two tough-looking men with bald heads stared at us as he ushered me into the car. Once inside he told us why we will never go back.

Stop Telling Me I'm Fat

2009-02-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

I had my job interview a couple weeks ago and it went very well. I'm waiting to get an official offer, but the supervisor I interviewed with told my fiance (who works there) that he really liked me. I have to do a background check for this position, and I'm not sure how long that would take, but it will be nice to be employed and be able to save up money for my wedding.

Currently I'm living at home with my parents and trying to write my thesis. It's hard not to get distracted by the pretty things on the internet, or the lovely wedding books my future mother-in-law sent.

There are lots of wonderful things about the wedding industry, and they give lots of good suggestions to brides, but one thing I would like to say to them is, "STOP TELLING US WE'LL HAVE A CRAPPY WEDDING IF WE HAVE A BIG ASS."

Ever since I changed my Facebook status to "engaged" I've been getting lots of wedding-related ads, which is nice because they're mostly relevant. However, some of those ads are for "Weightloss for Brides!"

I watched a wedding show where a bride (who was not even chubby) was told by a personal trainer she needed to shed the flub as she pinched a small roll of fat between her shoulder blades.

On one wedding planning site I visited the checklist includes "Start losing weight."

For someone who wants to lose weight or start exercising for health reasons a wedding can be a good motivator. For other women who are already overspending or stressed out because the wedding industry preys on our fear of looking tacky or cheap, "You're fat" messages are not helpful.

I'm not fat and I know it. Now sell me some wedding candy and shut up.

Super Prepared

2009-02-16T15:34:00.000-08:00

I had lunch with a classmate the other day. She is also recently engaged, as of November.

She told me she had picked out her wedding date, selected a venue and caterer, and put down a cash deposit. This busy bride had also decided on a theme, was working on her invitations, and started making her centerpieces (that will need to be stored).

Did I mention her wedding isn't for another 16 months?

Apparently she started planning before her fiance even proposed.

Run man! Run while you can!

Craziest House Party Ever

2009-02-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

My friend had a party and his roommate invited some very volatile people - a girl with a "reputation" and her new boyfriend, who had been paroled from prison several days before they met.

At the party they were "OMG so in love" after dating for about 48 hours, and spent much of the evening joined at the hip, cooing at each other, until Jenny decided to go talk to Bob in the front yard.

The Parolee turned out to be a meth head who started tweaking. He freaked out and began interrogating everyone at the party. "Where's Jenny? Did you see where she went? The bitch must be cheating on me! Jenny! Where the hell are you!"

People tried to calm him down and told him his girlfriend was outside. Shedding all the affection he had displayed only minutes before, the Parolee charged outside with a beer bottle and hit Jenny with it.

Enraged, she hit him back, until the two of them were laying the groundwork for assault charges. Other partygoers pulled them apart and held the Parolee down while he screamed "Jenny! You fucking whore! I love you! Jenny! You bitch! I love you! Jennnnnnny!!!!!"

Unimpressed with his declarations of affection, Jenny left the party. The spurned Parolee decided to turn his aggression upon the other men at the party. To stop him from taking swings at anyone in the vicinity, 4 men held him down on the hood of the car while his meth rage boiled over. He kept roaring "Jenny I love you!" while trying to punch everyone in the vicinity.

While they were waiting for the police to arrive a carful of men stopped in front of the house. The 4 "Marauding Irish Rednecks," as my friend called them, spilled out of the car yelling, "Is there a fight going on?"

They were not invited to the party, and no one else knew who they were. They had simply driven around the town looking for a brawl to join.

The MIR launched themselves at the Parolee and tried to hit him. The other partygoers let him go so he could defend himself, and a 5-man tussle broke out on the front lawn.

The police finally showed up and pepper-sprayed the MIR. 3 of the men ran back into their car and drove away, leaving behind their friend, who was screaming in agony because of the pepper spray in his eyes. The Parolee also managed to escape.

The police questioned my friend as the pepper-spray victim staggered around in the background wailing. "Speak up son! I can't hear you over the noise."

Meanwhile, in a strange coincidence, the Parolee ran down the street to the corner store where Jenny happened to be. She had also called the police, which turned out to be a wise decision because as soon as the Parolee saw her they started arguing again.

He ran off when the police arrived but Jenny told them where he lived, which was within walking distance.

The police had her call him to make sure he was home, then went to his house and tased him in his living room.

It was the end to a very bizarre evening.

Owoopok

2009-02-05T21:37:00.000-08:00

Many of you probably grew up with a fear of the Bogeyman.

This is because your parents didn't have enough imagination to traumatize you properly.

My grandmother made up a creature she called the "Owoopok" who stole naughty children and sold them into slavery. If we misbehaved he would show up with his sack and stuff us in it.

What made this story really terrifying was how plausible she made it. She told me that during the day the Owoopok disguised himself as a homeless man with red eyes, who panhandled on a particular street in her neighborhood, while wrapped in a blanket.

I have no doubt that she chose a real homeless man with bloodshot eyes, who carried his belongings in a bag (that looked just like it might be large enough to contain children).

All I had to do to confirm her story was go to visit the bakery where he dug in the dumpsters for breakfast, and thus add another layer of terror to my childhood.

My grandmother was a very clever woman.

Straight Right Through Like a Vindaloo

2009-02-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

On my trip to Europe last summer, I had a tour guide who reminded us he liked to be called "English," not British." He was a wonderful guide, and had various fond phrases he repeated. I'm not sure whether they were particular to him, or to the English, but here are a few of my favorites:

"useful as a eunuch in a brothel"

"crumbly old coffin dodgers" (in reference to the elderly tour group he led before ours)

"hot enough to boil a monkey's bum"

"love of your life and fire of your loins"

"The English have their buttocks so firmly clenched you can't slide a credit card through."

He suggested we could pick up a hot young Londoner by saying "Hellllloooo. Ding dong! You're not wrong" with an Austin Powers-like growl.

He also informed us that he's rather shocked at how Americans use the word "shag" so casually. When his local movie theater showed "The Spy Who Shagged Me" they had to print "The Spy Who ****ed Me."

While passing out Metro or museum tickets, the tour guide would shout like an auctioneer or carnival barker. "Come one come all, get them while they're hot! Hurry hurry hurry! Come straight through like a vindaloo!"

It took me a few moments to realize he was making a diarrhea joke.

He also taught us rhyming slang. "Britneys" are beers, since they rhyme with Spears. "China" (plate) is a substitute for "mate."

The tour guide was tickled pink when I greeted him one morning with "Wotcha Joel! Thanks for the Britneys me old china!"

(By the way, there were both sodas and beers for sale on the tour bus. When the tour guide told us this he said, "Welcome to Europe!" No one bought them, but we were still amused that it was possible).

Nuke the Whales

2009-01-30T20:35:00.000-08:00

My coworker had a crazy high school teacher that was a former nun. She told her class she never wore lipstick because "it's made from whale blubber, and they kill whales with nuclear warheads, so when you use lipstick it has radiation in it."

This woman also had a fake plant on her desk, that she watered daily. One morning, the students noticed a new fake flower in the middle of the fake plant. Despite having to "help" the plant bloom, she continued to water it.

Her memory was so bad, she once showed the same history video to her class four days in a row. (Maybe she forgot her plant was fake?)

She later quit her job and purchased a piece of land with her husband, and tried to start a cult.

None of my high school teachers were that amusing.

Happy Thursday

2009-01-29T21:51:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to say that after the recent spate of doom and gloom posts, it's been a good week.

1. I'm done with the data collection for my research project. I'm moving home to my parents' house tomorrow to write my thesis.

2. Yesterday, I got a call for a job interview scheduled in February. It's at a place where I really, really want to work, and I'm very excited. I originally applied about a year ago, when they weren't hiring many people, and now they have some funding for some new positions.

3. A friend of a friend had a pair of nearly-new jeans that didn't fit her anymore, and offered them to me. Not only did this pair of free jeans fit me perfectly (despite the fact that I have a hard time buying jeans in stores), I came home and found out they were worth $150. These are my first (and probably last) pair of designer jeans.

Woohoo!

Tomorrow I'll go back to posting funny stories.

Overheard in a Store

2009-01-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

Father to small boy running amuck: "If you break anything we have to leave you here."

Poo Sofa

2009-01-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

My fiance and I went shopping for a couch this weekend.

At the store we saw the ugliest piece of furniture I've ever seen. (Yes, even worse than the sumo table). We both looked at it and said, "That looks like dog crap."

Not only was it a particular shade of brown, it had a mottled color and texture that made it look "realistic." It had a subtle shine to it, so it looked almost sticky.

The upholstery was stitched to make it look like lumps squished together.

In short, the couch was shaped, colored and textured to look like a giant mound of poo.

It took us a while, but I think we've finally stopped laughing.

Couchsurfing

2009-01-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's been a nomadic week for me. I have my belongings split between several places so I don't have to annoy any particular friend for more than several nights at a time, especially if they're a couple who wants some "alone" time.

Odd Guy has tried contacting me 3 times since I left. I am very suspicious about his motives.

His first text message was the day after I moved out, and was a polite offer to let me move back in. It was very uncharacteristic of him to use words like "thank you," especially after throwing a fit just 24 hours before, so I ignored the message. Besides, why the hell would I move back in?

Several hours later, he said "come back to the apartment and I'll give you your deposit." My first thought was "It's a trap!" I assumed he meant that he would give me back my money if I moved back in, due to his first message. I wasn't that desperate for cash.

I talked to one of the other roommates, who told me they planned to move out too, so perhaps Odd Guy was trying to recruit me back.

The day after that he sent another message, saying that if I moved out my bed (which I gave away to one of the other roommates), and changed the lock on my bedroom door back to the original unlockable doorknob, he'd refund my deposit.

I called the girls because obviously, they wouldn't want me giving the keys to him while they were still living there. I've called them twice but they haven't responded, and it's been days. I think that since they're moving, they don't want the bed, and are afraid to tell me.

My parents insist that we should go and get rid of the bed, change the doorknob, and leave him the keys this weekend to wash our hands of the matter.

I really, really would rather not go back, but I don't want him to call me again when the girls move out, or when his lease expires.

Hopefully he will be gone since this is a 3-day weekend, and my family can settle things in peace. I'm not going to bother making an appointment with him because I don't really believe he will give me any money, and I don't care anyway.

Drama Central

2009-01-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be couch-surfing for the next month. I could not stay at my old apartment anymore. Odd Guy got too psycho, and I had an emergency move yesterday. My dad and boyfriend moved most of my belongings to my parents' house, and I'm staying with friends and the bare necessities.

There's a lot of gritty details, and I'm still digesting, but the major points are:

Odd Guy got progressively crazier this week, and more angry we didn't go along with his control freak plans. The last straw for me was when I caught him putting pubic hair on my towel on Thursday night to retaliate. I didn't confront him because I didn't want him to completely freak out and vandalize all my things before I moved out. I stayed with a friend Friday night.

On Saturday morning, I told him I was planning to move out with a friend. I tried to be casual, non-accusatory and "played dumb." I said, "I'd just rather live with a friend. You don't need to pro-rate January rent; just give me the deposit and I'll be gone, thanks."

He refused and said "I'll give you my answer tomorrow." I asked him, "Oh gee, does that mean you'll have the check tomorrow?" He kept repeating that he'll "answer" me tomorrow even though I was sure he was just trying to be a jerk and string me along. Eventually he freaked out and said a number of crazy things:

1. He'll never give me any money back.
2. I should have appreciated that he did me a "favor" by letting me move in, even though I was paying rent.
3. He figured out that I was a "conservative" (I think he meant selfish) person when I kept locking my bedroom door.
4. It's "his" apartment, and I didn't have the right to keep him out of my room.
5. If I was a decent person, I should have offered him extra money during the time in December when no one else had moved in.
6. It's "my fault" girls I never met or spoke to flaked out on moving in last quarter.
7. I can't complain about the 5 people living there because this week "doesn't count" due to a girl being gone for a number of days due to a family funeral.
8. He didn't break the contract by moving in 3 people without my consent. I agreed to rent the room, and never made him promise not to put 5 people in a 1 bedroom apartment. (Hmm, maybe because it's common sense?)
8. He wasn't afraid of me telling the apartment management about his illegal sublets because he's "there legally" so he's safe, but everyone else can get into trouble. (Obviously he doesn't understand how things work).

My fiance showed up, and Odd Guy yelled "I don't know you" and told him to get out because he was not renting there. He slammed the door on my fiance and locked it while I was inside with him. My fiance was afraid he was going to attack me, and told him he was going to call the police. Odd Guy told him to go ahead.

Can you see why I had to leave that day?

I doubt I will get my deposit back, but if it means I never hear from him again, it's worth it. At the moment, he's 100% wrong because he has my money and I don't owe him a dime. Legally, he doesn't have a leg to stand on, especially since he lied to everyone else and told them I was going to move in January anyway. The other roommates are understandably upset about the situation, and are also pessimistic that they will get their deposit back. I will not be surprised if they decide to flee the coop as well.

Unfortunately, Odd Guy has my parents' address because it was printed on my checks. If he contacts me again I think filing restraining order would be a good idea.

Shut Up Little Boy

2009-01-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

Vote! Odd Guy has started throwing tantrums like a whiny brat because:
a) No one will go along with his bathroom schedule.
b) All the roommates ignore him.
c) He's a loser who's jealous that he has no friends.
d) All of the above.

The other night, when the new roommates had some friends over and everyone was socializing without him, Odd Guy sat in the living room with his laptop, watching videos at an unusually high volume. No one said anything to him, so he turned the volume up. Unable to get the attention he wanted, he increased the volume again. And again. And again until he was blasting heavy metal, which he never listens to.

No one said, "Please turn it down" so he finally gave up, turned off his computer, and went to sleep.

Just a few minutes ago, Odd Buy berated Male Roommate for having "too many friends over all the time," in the presence of one of these friends. Apparently, we're not allowed to have friends over because they're not renting, and thus using space, electricity, plumbing and other things they're not paying for.

Shut up you cheapo bastard! You live here for free, and turn a profit, and you're begrudging 50 cents of water and gas?

Or maybe you just can't stand that other people have the ability to make people like them.

Geek Bling

2009-01-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

I showed my engagement ring to a senior scientist at the lab, and he said, "Wow! Follow me!"

He took me into the microscope room, where he examined the diamonds in my ring.

He was so excited by the chance to put something new under his microscope he didn't ask who I was engaged to, or when it happened. It was cute how he acted like a child during show-and-tell, and started asking other scientists into the room to "come look at this!"

Toilet Nazi

2009-01-05T21:45:00.000-08:00

Odd Guy isn't just a greedy little bastard, he's a control freak.

Today, he asked to talk to me privately in my room. l left the door open and spoke loudly enough for the rest of the roommates to hear.

Odd Guy had a spreadsheet and said he wanted to schedule our bathroom times in half-hour blocks. He insisted it was necessary because we had 5 people in one apartment. (Who's fault is that?)

He wanted to institute several rules:
1. No one is allowed to shower in the morning.
2. You must only use your scheduled time in the morning.
3. If it's not your time you can't use the bathroom, even if it's empty, just in case the person who "owns" the time wants it.

Obviously, I was not enthusiastic about this idea.

He put himself down for 7 AM - 7:30 AM and asked me what time I needed. I said, "All of us need to talk about this together."

He said, "Yeah, I'll talk to everyone else afterwards."

I said, "We should all talk to everyone, because what if people want the same time?"

He responded with "Don't worry, you get to pick first." (I think he was trying to be "nice" because he sensed that I have the ability to lead a mutiny. I've used the past 24 hours to be my charming self and become super-chummy with the other roommates, especially in his presence. They invited me to dinner with them tonight, but left him out of the plans).

I left the bedroom and announced, "He wants to schedule our bathroom times." Everyone looked at him like he was a zoo creature.

He kept pointing to his spreadsheet and insisting what a good and necessary idea it was. We tried to explain calmly and rationally that 30 minutes is a really long time to camp out in the bathroom continuously. We are (mostly) reasonable people, and if someone yells "I have to brush my teeth and get to class in 10 minutes!" no one is going to insist on taking a long bath and waxing their legs at that moment. Also, if someone needs to take up the bathroom for 2 minutes just to pee, it's stupid to make them wait for "their time" just in case someone else needs it.

Odd Guy didn't believe us. He said, "You won't just take 2 minutes."

This morning, Odd Guy wasn't home, and the rest of us had no problem being courteous together and having things work out. However, cooperation is apparently foreign concept to Odd Guy. We finally got him to drop the topic (temporarily) by saying that this is the first week of class and not everyone's schedule is set. I suggested that since we did not have a problem this morning, there was a very good chance we would not have a problem in the future so severe we needed scheduling. If two people woke up one morning at the same time, and one was running very late, the two people could talk it out.

I'm sure Odd Guy is pissed at me right now for thwarting his control freak plans. The other roommates revealed to me that they had asked for my phone number prior to moving in, so they could talk to me, and he refused to give it to them. He also lied to them about how soon I am moving out, and said, "Don't worry, I can kick her out any time."

I definitely am not in love with living at the apartment, and would like to get out as soon as possible, but I still need to finish school. If Odd Guy tries to carry out his threat, I'll remind him that he wouldn't want the landlord to know about his unauthorized subletting scheme.

Sidenote: While talking to my sister about him, I referred to him as an ugly twisted gnome. My sister thinks I should call him Ugly Twisted Individual. Given his bathroom fixation, perhaps UTI is a fitting name.

(Really) Full House aka Freakin' Long Rant

2009-01-04T15:38:00.001-08:00

At first I thought my roommate Odd Guy was just socially awkward and shy. I later revised that to weird. Then creepy.

Now I would like to state that he has no idea how normal people function.

I got back from my vacation today to find out that there are FIVE people sleeping in my apartment tonight. FIVE! SIX if Odd Guy shows up. I live in a one bedroom apartment as explained before. How the hell did this happen?

Before Christmas, Odd Guy was looking for a girl to replace the one that flaked. He asked for a copy of the key to my room so he could show it to people while I was gone. He didn't seem to understand why I refused. (The thought of him having access while I slept did not sit well with me). I told him to just let me know when people were coming, and I'd be present or leave my room unlocked.

Instead of asking me when I was available, or telling prospective tenants to call me to set up a time, he would make arrangements, then call me at the lab, saying, "Be here at ____ time today." I declined to leave work every time he snapped his fingers, so one day I decided to leave my room unlocked but the door closed, without telling him. The plan was to say, "Oh my room's open, tell her to go in and take a look" if he called again suddenly.

I received no call that day, but when I went home, I found him in my room.

With a flashlight.

WTF?

I can understand being curious enough to think, "Hey, I wonder what her room looks like" or "Gee, what's on her desk?" It's quite another thing to say, "On the off chance she forgot to lock her door, I'm going to try the doorknob. Oh good! Now, let me go out, get a flashlight from my desk, come back into her room, get down on my hands and knees and look under her bed, or in her underwear drawer."

He even moved around the items in my room. Although the bulk of my items were on "my half," I had some shopping bags, etc. on the other side since the other girl hadn't moved in. Odd Guy moved all those items back to my side. He also pushed a small bureau (that was technically on my half of the room) next to my desk, blocking off my chair. He even opened my closet, took out a box that was on "the other side" and moved it back to my side. He explained, "I don't want the other girl to come and think the room is not good."

She's not stupid! I'm sure she'll figure it out when I say, "Hey, I'll be cleaning up those 2 shopping bags and 1 box before you move in."

After that, I couldn't wait for Christmas vacation to start, and I would have several weeks free of him.

On New Year's Eve he called me, and hung up after the phone rang once. He then texted me, apparently preferring not to speak to a real person. He informed me that I needed to show up on New Year's Day to show the room to a girl.

I said no. He responded with "You should leave the room open while the room is for rent or you lend me the key." So you can rifle through my stuff while I'm gone? No.

On New Year's Day he texted me, letting me know that he found "someone" to rent the room.

I said ok.

The day after, he sent me some vital information he left out. "2 young and small" girls were moving in.

I called and demanded an explanation. Our 9 minute, repetitive conversation can be distilled down to:
Me: "What's going on?"
Odd Guy: "Everything's okay."
Me: "What do you mean two girls are moving in with me?"
OG: "It's okay. They're small people."
Me: "It doesn't matter how short they are! Our agreement was that I would share with one other girl."
OG: "It's okay. You still get half the room."
Me: "But there's two people!"
OG: "You still get half the room."
Me: "How much are they paying."
OG: "You still get half the room."
Me: "How can I have half the room when there's three people?"
OG: "The girls are sharing the other half."
Me: "But there are two girls bringing two beds and two desks and everything else they own.
OG: "You still get half."
Me: "How? Do they only have one bed."
OG: "Yes."
Me: "They're sharing one bed? Are they sisters?"
OG: "You have to understand me."
Me: "Are they related?"
OG: "They know each other."
Me: "How much are they paying?"
OG: "You have half the room."
etc.

As far as I understood at the time, the girls would take over the room completely once I left in mid-February. He rented to them because it would be hard for him to find someone else in the middle of the quarter once I left. I was not happy with the arrangement, but I resigned myself to it because I would be leaving soon, and I felt sorry for the other girls who were international students desperate for a place to live.

Today I came back to find that Odd Guy forgot to tell me that he had rented to an additional male, who was going to share the living room with him. On top of that, that other guy had a friend who was staying "temporarily." (Luckily, he's leaving tomorrow, after having stayed for several days). The girls are also not sharing one bed. They moved in their furniture, and our beds are lined up along one wall, with a tiny bit of room between each. I definitely do not have "half" the room.

In short, while I was away on vacation, Odd Guy interviewed and moved in 3 other people without my consent.

Luckily, the new roommates I met today are sociable and normal. (The flew into the country 5 days ago, and immediately went to look at apartments the next day, hence the haste). Thank goodness Odd Guy did not pick them because he thought they were kindred spirits. However, he's been less than honest with them as well. He told them I was "moving out at the end of the month" when he actuality my agreement is through mid-February.

The apartment is $900 and I'm paying $300. The other 3 new roommates told me they're paying $250 each. That means that Odd Guy is not only living rent-free, but making a profit of $150 a month running an illegal youth hostel.

According to the new people who moved in, he justifies this by saying that after the other roommates move out in June, he has to pay all $900 by himself until the lease ends in September. I'm sure he'll just rent to other people when we move out, and continue his little scheme.

He isn't home yet, so I have not seen him today, or had the chance to beat the pulp out of his skinny, short, ugly, pimply little dried shrimp-eating body.

Ring Quest

2009-01-01T10:07:00.000-08:00

Happy new year everyone!

I'd like to share the story about my fiancé and I shopping for my engagement ring before returning to you to your regularly scheduled Snark.

I decided we should pick out the ring together, mainly so he wouldn't get ripped off. (He knows very little about jewelry and what it should cost. You'll see that in a moment). Call me cynical, but I think the jewelry industry makes most of its profits off guys who don't know any better.

First, we went to a big store with lots of employees. I wasn't interested in a large diamond, but I wanted a unique setting, and thought there would be a more extensive selection there. We told the saleslady we were looking for an engagement ring, and she immediately pulled out a large rock and said, "Here's a D colorless diamond. It's the highest grade and the only kind you want, because you want a PERFECT diamond for your engagement don't you? You don't want to have a cheaper diamond that looks yellow . . . we can custom make you a platinum setting . . . do you want a matching wedding band? . . . You should buy this big diamond . . . etc."

We told her we'd think about it. She gave us her business card and wrote the information and price of the diamond on the back. We left with the card, but I decided to throw it away when I noticed the price on the card was higher than what she quoted a couple minutes ago.

Next, the fiancé and I went to a much smaller shop several doors down. It was a family business, run by a charming old man with a foreign accent and his daughter. We told Mr. Jeweler we wanted a D colorless diamond and he said, "Sweetheart, unless you are an expert, you can't tell the difference between a D, E and F diamond with the naked eye. If you want a D, I'll get you one, but I recommend an F. You'll save a lot of money."

The fiancé and I exchanged glances. This shopkeeper actually turned down a bigger sale?

I said, "We'd like a platinum setting." Mr. Jeweler explained that a much less expensive white gold ring plated with rhodium would look just as good, and if I was interested in vintage settings or something intricate, I would have more choices in settings. However, if I really wanted a platinum ring, I could bring him a magazine photo of any ring and he could reproduce it in platinum.

He showed me a filigree ring that I thought was pretty, but wasn't "the one." There was flower-shaped ring that I had spotted when I first sat down at the counter, but it had a very large diamond and I thought it was out of our price range.

I kept staring at the flower ring, though. Eventually, I realized the "large diamond" was actually composed of multiple, smaller stones fitted together, and I asked to try the ring on.

It was beautiful, and it cost less than 1/4 of our max budget. When Mr. Jeweler told us the price, my fiancé asked, "How much extra are the diamonds?" (This is why he is not allowed to go shopping alone).

We were also shown a similar design, but with slightly larger diamonds. As I was trying both on, Mr. Jeweler said, "Get the smaller one. It's a good size for your finger. It's perfect for you."

Wow! This was the third time he turned down a chance to make more money.

He then told us a story (which I'm sure he tells every engaged couple). "Many years ago, when I married my wife, I had no money. I spent $20 on our rings. We have nicer rings now, but I still wear the original ring on a chain around my neck." He pulled a chain out from behind his shirt, which had a thin metal band on it.

"It's not about the size of the ring. It's about the size of your love. And I can tell you two kids are nice people and you'll have a long, happy marriage. Years from now, when you are rich, you can come in and make this poor fellow buy you a 3 carat ring in a platinum setting. Right now, this ring is perfect for you, and I wish you the best."

Sold!

He measured my left ring finger and said, "My god! This is the smallest ring I've ever sold." I have very thin fingers, so the ring had to be cut down to my size. I thought it would take a couple days or weeks, but he said, "Come back in half in hour. I have a workshop upstairs. We'll resize it, replate it in rhodium, clean and polish it for you."

Very soon afterwards, I had the ring of my dreams, and I felt very good about buying from that particular store. I'm sending all my friends there when they need to buy a ring.

Ooh Shiny!

2008-12-29T18:44:00.001-08:00

Snark has been neglecting her blog because for the past 9 days she has been busy making phone calls, answering emails, reading Facebook comments, telling and re-telling stories, dodging nosy questions, and in general, letting all her friends and family know that she is engaged.

Yep, after witnessing so many engagements this year that I lost count, I am now one of the girls with a shiny on my finger. It's a funny club to belong to. I've never been a diamond girl, or a sucker for expensive jewelry, but I have to admit, this was the Best Christmas Present Ever.

My boyfriend proposed during dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant next to the ocean. When he got up from his seat I thought he was going to the men's room. He had a lot of liquids that night. My friends joke he was "searching for courage in a bottle" but it was mostly water and coffee.

He crossed over to my side, got down one knee and blurted a little too quickly, "I knew after a month that you were the girl for me and there's probably about a dozen people staring at me right now so please hurry up and say 'yes.'"

There were two thoughts running through my head:
1. "He didn't practice at all, did he?"
2. "Yes!"

There was some clapping in the restaurant. The manager gave us some complimentary champagne and the waiter came by with the dessert cart. My boy and I shared a wonderful chocolate mousse cake, and I was very very happy.

I still am.

Happy new year!

Key Shenanigans

2008-12-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

The engineer I live with seems to have book smarts, but not a lot of common sense.

The weekend I moved into my apartment Odd Guy was gone. He left me the key by hiding it on the balcony. My boyfriend had to hop the fence to get it.

A couple nights later I got a call from him asking if I was going to be around the next morning at 11:30 AM.

"Well, I was planning to go to campus, but why?"

"I don't have a key. I gave you mine."

His suggestion was for me to hide the key so he could let himself in.

"You want me to climb the fence with a bad knee, go to work, then hope you are around when I get back home tonight? Then we can repeat this tomorrow if you forget to make a copy again? No."

I told him I'd wait for him to show up, then we'd go make a copy of the key together. When he arrived, I got in his car, and he drove us to the local grocery store.

Then he said, "We can ask the people here where to make keys."

"Why don't you just go to the hardware store?"

Odd Guy didn't know where it was, so I gave him directions. We went into the store, and he immediately stood in line to pay at the cashier. I told him we had to go to the key grinder in the back of the store first, so he reluctantly followed me.

While the duplicate key was being made, he said he left his wallet in the car, but would pay me back.

I thought that was fine, but he then decided to do a bit of shopping in the store, while I was waiting, although he had no cash with him.

When we went to pay for the key and his coil of wire (which he said was going to be used to "make curtains") I pulled out a $20 bill. He took it from me and handed it to the cashier.

My friend's reaction when I told her was, "What? You don't get to pretend to be manly when you left your wallet in the car!"

Odd Guy then also pocketed the change the cashier handed over as I reached for it.

WTF? It took me a moment to realize that he thought it would be easier to just give me $20 later, instead of fumbling for the right number of coins, but couldn't he have said something? I was standing there thinking, "Wait, that's my money!"

He paid me back when we got into the car, but I've realized that he has a habit of performing actions without commentary, without realizing they require some sort of explanation.

Odd Guy Beginnings

2008-12-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

I found my current apartment through an online ad, so all my correspondence with my roommate was through email. He had an androgynous name, and advertised "looking for a female roommate," so until I went to see the place, I thought Odd Guy was a girl.

He advertised for a female roommate because the bedroom I'm in is very spacious, and another girl had already agreed to rent the other half. (She later flaked, and he's looking for a replacement, but that's another story).

At that point I was desperate to move that week, and Odd Guy was the only one who was willing to let me stay for a couple months, instead of signing a year-lease. Although I didn't want to live a male roommate, the place was clean and cheap, so I accepted.

This is how I ended up living in half a room, with a guy sleeping in the living room. Can you see now why there are going to be stories?

Odd Guy

2008-12-18T13:43:00.000-08:00

I've been very quiet for a bit, due to being busy with wrapping up school/research things so I can take a break during the holiday.

I've settled into my new apartment enough to give you an assessment of my roommate:

Treasure trove of awkward stories.

He's an engineering student with very poor social skills. Unlike my old roommates I don't think he's a scammer and his middle name isn't Skank, so I'm willing to put up with his weirdness for a couple months.

I'm traveling home today for the holidays, but there will be stories about Odd Guy galore.

Show Me the Money

2008-12-07T20:27:00.001-08:00

The landlady finally sent me my deposit. I'm going to cash the check tomorrow and hope it doesn't bounce.

It's been like pulling teeth to get this woman to give me what she owes me. I called her the other day and asked, "Why haven't you sent me my deposit yet?"

She claimed to not have my address, which I emailed to her daughter 9 days ago, as she requested.

I reminded her of this fact, and she said her daughter couldn't get the address because "she hadn't been at work because of the holiday."

Your daughter got 9 days off work because of Thanksgiving? You live in a million-dollar house and have no internet access at home? Your daughter makes Facebook status updates through telepathy?

I told her to stop lying. I ran through a string of lies she's told me, as she kept trying to interrupt me with "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

I called her a liar. It felt good. I knew that even if she didn't send me the money right away, I still ruined her day by calling her in the morning. I live close enough to get mail from her in 1-2 days so I said that if she didn't pay up immediately I'd know.

I told her to send a money order and she ended up sending a check, but for now, I have a small victory.

Yet Another One

2008-12-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

I went to 4 weddings this year, and I've lost track of the number of engagements among my circle. There's 5? 6 now? I'm not sure.

A 7th? couple just announced their engagement. I hope I have a job next year that can pay for all the presents. Luckily I already have enough dresses and and shoes from this year.

Meanwhile, there will probably be an increase in the number of wedding-related horror stories. For example, someone I'll arbitrarily refer to as Bride5 recently told me about the other really unhappy people she encountered while buying her own dress.

At the shop Bride5 witnessed another bride burst into tears because nothing in the store suited her. She was a large woman, and the salespeople brought her nothing but huge fluffy 80s monstrosities that made her look even larger.

At the same store, Bride5 overheard another bride telling the saleslady "I want this dress to still fit at my wedding." The saleslady said, "Oh lots of brides are worried about weight changes but we can alter the dress closer to the ceremony."

The bride said, "No, I'm 3 months pregnant!" (So she was looking for a magical growing dress).

The saleslady tried to be upbeat. "Oh, after I had my child I fit back into all of my old clothes in 3 months."

The response was, "Oh you did did you? Well then **** you!"

I think weddings stress people out.

Good News and Bad News

2008-11-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in a new apartment. Wooo!

The other week I saw an ad looking for a roommate, and I pounced. The timing was perfect because my internet got cut off, and the city sent a notice threatening to shut off the water. There were two rat incidents this month as well.

I moved the weekend before Thanksgiving, and waited until I was done moving to notify the landlord because I was afraid those deadbeats would stop paying even more utility bills.

I called the landlady, expecting to hear a long sob story from her. Perhaps she was so surprised by the departure she didn't have anything to say, but she calmly made an appointment to meet with me last Tuesday to get my keys and return my deposit.

I suppose I should have expected it, but the bitch did not show up.

I sat in the empty house waiting for her. 15 minutes after our scheduled appointment time I called her.

"Mrs. ____, are you stuck in traffic?"

"I can't come today. I'm out of town."

"What? What do you mean you're out of town? You picked this day and time for us to meet."

"I'm not coming. I'm out of town."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was a sudden thing."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I don't have your phone number."

Liar! How in the hell did you call me early this month to hassle me for more money?

She then suggested we make another appointment during Thanksgiving weekend. No lady! I'm leaving town. I'm not coming back just so you can stand me up again.

I was so mad. Knowing how shady these people are, I had prepared a document for her to sign, stating, "As of this date, I've inspected the house, and Snark has returned the keys and is no longer responsible for anything that happens to the house, has paid all her bills, etc. etc."

Now she has my deposit and can accuse me of vandalizing the place or stealing the ugly crap she has stored in the garage and living room.

I absolutely did not want to retain possession of the keys during the time the house is empty, especially during the holidays, with a big "FOR SALE" sign out front. I went to the landlady's real estate agent's office, gave her secretary the keys, and got a receipt for them.

That wasn't ideal, but I hope it was the best I could do at that time.

The landlady "promised" she'll mail me my deposit check.

If it doesn't come very very soon I'll make it clear to her that crossing me is not worth $200.

Gobble Gobble

2008-11-26T21:34:00.001-08:00

I have been very quiet because I've been busy moving, and dealing with a broken laptop and internet issues. (I'm on a borrowed computer and connection).

Yep, I found a new place to live. I'll spill on the details regarding my Super Bitch Landlady in the future, when the holiday crazy-time is over.

Have a happy turkey day people.

Ass Stones

2008-11-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

Can someone tell me whether this is a male thing or the men in my lab are unusually comfortable revealing intimate details about their bowel movements?

At lunch the other day Guy #1 told us about his episode of constipation. We found out how long it lasted, how it felt, what positions were uncomfortable to him, what remedies he tried, what medication worked and what the final release looked like.

Guy #2 exclaimed, "Wow, that sounds painful! It's like ass stones!"

Guy #3 said, "That's Type I on the Bristol Stool Chart! Hard like nuts!"

Guy #1 said, "They were really shooting out."

Guy #2 laughed, "Haha like a gun!" then started making shooting and flicking motions with his fingers, accompanied by "Bew! Bew!" missile noises.

One day they grow up, right?

Take Your Child (and Drama) to Work Day

2008-11-10T16:48:00.000-08:00

Note: The nonprofit I was working for lost its funding and I lost my job, but I still have some tales to disgorge so you'll continue to see work stories. (I also do unpaid research in a lab for school, so some "work" stories are from there).

---

The building had a "take your child to work day." I was put in charge of making goodie bags with candy and toys, and running the science activities. One of the admin staff was responsible for e-mailing all the parents in the building to let them know about the scheduled fun.

I later found out that Petty Woman selectively e-mailed people she got along with, or whose children were friends with her grandkids. When confronted by other staff she said "it would be too crowded" with too many kids, and arbitrarily capped the number of children allowed to 10. Not surprisingly, her 3 grandkids made the cut.

Since everyone thought that those who organized the activities (not Petty Woman) should be able to say how much was "too much," those who weren't invited brought their children anyway. Besides, if crowding really was an issue, it should have been "first come, first served," not "if I like you."

The kids that came had a great time doing science experiments, and I'm just appalled that someone would try to deprive them because she wasn't buddies with their parents.

By the way, 3 days after the event, Petty Woman told us her granddaughter lost the goodie bag. Instead of telling her, "Too bad; be more responsible with your presents," she guilted us into making a special treat bag for the kid.

Edible Surprises

2008-11-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

My friend's mom works as a nurse. She was prepping a very obese woman for surgery and found a forgotten sandwich on her body.

I'm not sure how to say this diplomatically, but the sandwich was sandwiched between some rolls of flab on her stomach, and was decomposing.

I really hope she was lying to me.

Scapel License

2008-11-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

Overheard:

Idiot 1: "It's so not fair that it's so hard to get into med school!"

Idiot 2: "I know! There are probably lots of people that really want to go but can't get in because they have bad grades."

Idiot 1: "Yeah, like there are people I've met that maybe aren't that smart, but they're really caring and I think they would still make good doctors."

Idiot 2: "It's just as important to have a really nice personality. I wish those people got a chance, too."

No thank you. If you failed biology I don't want you operating on me.

Batty Nonsense

2008-11-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

I and two other friends dressed as fancy bats for a Halloween ball. We wore black ballgowns and made caped wings and hats with bat ears.

There was a guy at the party who looked 15, but was probably much much older. He was wearing a black cape and a top hat with some non-costume clothing, so I assume he was trying to be a half-assed vampire. (There is a possibility he was simply a magician, but based on his behavior I don't think that was the case).

He spotted us sitting at a table eating sweets and came over to talk to us. I'm not sure if he had a speech impediment, or was trying to fake a foreign accent, but he made intense eye contact and muttered something about "creatures of the night." Instead of projecting an aura of suave mystery, he simply appeared to us as a weirdo mumbler because we could not comprehend any of his pick-up lines.

I think the poor fellow's thought process went something like this:

"OMG! Bats! Bat ladies! And I'm a vampire! This is my chance! I am going to be all cool and mysterious and be like, 'Hey chickies I'm your master!' "

"Okay okay, I'm standing next to them now. Stay cool man! Show an interest in their stuff. Chicks like that."

"Crap! They looked at me weird when I picked up their personal belongings from the table. Okay, note to self: Don't need to touch things to ask about them."

"Hmm, all right, that girl seems mad. I'm going to go around to the other side of the table and bother her friend. I'll try to keep my hands to myself this time."

"Why can't these girls understand what I'm saying? They keep giving me answers that have nothing to do with my questions! Don't they know how to decipher a fake Romanian accent?"

"Wait, who's that tall dude who's giving me dirty looks? Oh crap! Oh major crap! He's a boyfriend, I know it. Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

I felt sorry for him, so I pretended he was just asking for candy, and gave him some Smarties.

I Need to Move

2008-10-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

I am officially fed up. Those of you who have been following my blog know about the litany of horrors I've been subjected to at my crappy apartment. My horrible landlord bullied me and my roommates because we were students that were too poor to hire a lawyer and too busy with school to fight a lawsuit.

My landlord lowered the rent in September (for the month of October) because I had no hot water for 12 days and they were afraid I was going to move.

Today Mrs. Landlord called me and says I didn't send her enough rent money for November. "Oh no, you misunderstood. The discount was just for October only. The regular rent applies from now on."

I kept living here because of the discount. She certainly gave me the impression that the discount was permanent because they were selling the house and couldn't get anyone else to rent.

Her husband happened to be at the house when she originally offered me the discount by phone in September. I immediately typed up a revised rental agreement and had her husband sign it because I didn't trust these people. I was right.

The landlady tried to weasel out of our agreement by saying, "I don't know anything about my husband signing any papers."

I gave him a copy to take home. It's not my fault he lost it. I can send you another copy.

"Well, the house is in my name. I take care of everything for the house. He can't make deals with you."

Then why is he willing to sign agreements?

"No, no, the discount is just for October. You need to send me more money now."

That's not fair. By signing, your husband told me I would pay the discounted rate perpetually. If you disagreed, you should have notified me right away, until waiting for me to pay for another month.

Her justification for charging me extra was "Oh woe is me. I have $800 in bills a month and your rent won't cover it."

Your money management problems are not my problem.

She continued to whine, "You know, your water bill was $400."

Um, that's only because you didn't pay for months, until the utility company shut off my water.

"I pay $85 a month so you can have internet."

That's a flat out lie. For $85 a month I should have data packets being delivered to me by cherubs carrying silver platters.

I read her the riot act. I told her the lack of communication between her and her husband was not my problem and I was fully paid for the month. I am not sending her any more rent money.

I'm sure these bastards will "forget" to pay the utilities this month again in retaliation. I'm moving. I would rather live in a cheap motel than deal with people who barge in unannounced. (Earlier this month they sent a repairman over with his own key. He unlocked the door and walked into my apartment without knocking while I was home). I'm going to store my belongings at my parents' house and live with the bare necessities.

Too bad I couldn't have decided this before I paid for November. December will find me in a new address.

Panic in the Kitchen

2008-10-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have a classmate who is a man of intimidating size, but is a complete sissy.

He was cutting meat in his kitchen when he saw a large cockroach. His reaction was to run screaming out of his home while still clutching the utensil he had in his hand.

I think his neighbors were a bit nervous about seeing a 300 pound man shrieking and waving a knife.

Six Things Meme

2008-10-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

I am not fond of memes. They remind me of chain letters. However, I have been tagged by Rae at The Notice, and she is a very nice, persuasive person and I can't hurt her feelings.

Here are the Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

1. My left pinky finger is the same length as my right index toe.

2. At this moment I have 3 cases of bottled water in my bedroom because I drink water like a camel.

3. I am going to make chocolate chip cookies with orange sprinkles tomorrow night because I can't wait until Halloween.

4. I wash face towels after every use, bath towels after every other use, and hand towels weekly.

5. Everyone thinks my white laptop is a Mac, but it's a PC.

6. There is a plate of doughnuts on my nightstand, but they are not really edible.

Rules were meant to be broken. I don't want to deny anyone the pleasure of doing this meme if they choose to, so I'm not going to choose 6 and exclude all the others. =)

Blue Man Group Shenanigans

2008-10-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the year I was invited to see the Blue Man Group's How to Be a Megastar show. (If you haven't seen the show I highly recommend it. I cannot accurately describe its fantasticness in mere words).

My friend Karen knew one of the tech guys for the show, and he offered to get us complimentary tickets. My thoughts were, "Really? But the show's sold out, right? Whhhhheeee! Wheeeeeee! Squeeeee!"

I would have been happy with any seat, even seats in the nosebleed section, so when we picked up tickets at Will Call that were printed "Floor 3" I had absolutely no problem with this.

However, once inside the arena, the ushers directed us to really prime seats in the front. "Floor 3" didn't mean seats on the third level. It meant seats on the floor, next to the stage, in section 3! My reaction was "Wheeee! I wouldn't have been able to afford an $86 ticket. Wheeee! Wait, we won't get food thrown on us right? Wooooooo!"

But here's the really really fun part: We had backstage passes! I've never had one of those, so I wasn't sure how they worked. I assumed a large group of the audience would be herded into a back room to watch the performers be interviewed by the press, or something.

However, we actually got to meet, take pictures with, and get autographs from the Blue Man Group and their back-up band and vocalists. Everyone was very friendly for people who were probably exhausted and dying to take a shower.

Wheeeeee!

The Blue Man Group remained in character throughout the meet and greet. They were completely silent and did not sign names. Instead, they smudged blue greasepaint onto papers as their "autographs." (One Blue Man kissed my paper and gave me lovely blue lip prints). They also blessed a bald fan by putting a blue palmprint on his head.

The backstage activities lasted about 20 minutes, and then the performers and audience left. However, since my friend Karen knew the tech guy, he took us to the tourbus area.

I wonder if anyone who saw us heading towards the back thought, "Those are some weird, non-skanky-looking groupies there." (We heard rumors that the show was sometimes messy, so I wore comfy jeans, beat-up tennis shoes, a turtleneck and a windbreaker).

Mr. Tech took us to the bus he shared with 8 other tech guys. "Welcome to the coffin box."

It was a very nice RV with marble counters, leather couches and DVD screens in all the bunk beds, but it was still very cramped for 6 months on the road. He told us that since it was a male tech bus, they actually had a subscription to the Playboy channel. You could find out who was hiding in his bunk by turning off the main TV, which was connected to the smaller bunk screens. The way to get a guy out of his bunk was to cut off the Playboy access.

There was a very small toilet in the RV. The tech guy warned us, "You can go number 1 in there, but we're not allowed to go number 2."

What?

"Yeah, the toilet isn't designed for that. If we have to go, we have to hold it until the next stop."

Ew.

Still, it was a fabulous evening, and definitely a great experience!

Extreme Recycling

2008-10-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

Since the economy started going into the tank, people have been swapping Great Depression stories in the lab.

One lady's great-aunt survived the Depression through intense frugality, which she still practices today. She refuses to throw away anything that could be of use again, including greeting cards.

When my labmate graduated high school her great-aunt sent her a card that said "Congratulations on graduating from nursing school!"

The elderly woman carefully crossed out "nursing" and wrote "high" underneath it.

She also blotted out the name of the previous recipient of the card, and wrote my friend's name over it.

Creepo

2008-10-13T22:14:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to think my boyfriend's new roommate is a serial killer, or at least someone with severe social phobia.

Silent Boy never speaks to us. When we enter the apartment we can hear him close his bedroom door to avoid us. He has his own bathroom, and keeps food in his room so he doesn't need to leave. Sometimes he's so quiet we don't know he's home. Often, my boyfriend doesn't see him for days. They communicate through notes and checks taped to the doors: "This month's electricity bill is $34.54."

We know he's avoiding us because if Silent Boy comes home while we are already present, he rushes past us and goes into his room without saying hello.

Should I be afraid?

Some People Never Learn

2008-10-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

Remember the roommate who dumped her boyfriend because he was a philandering, alcoholic, compulsive gambler who threatened her?

They have rekindled their relationship.

I had trouble believing this until she started posting lovey-dovey pictures on Facebook again.

Ugh. Good luck dear.

Daddy I Want a Solid Gold Pony

2008-10-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

My friend's sorority sister got married over a year ago. She planned her wedding, picked out a lavish gown and high-society caterer, then asked her father for $70,000.

He looked at her budget and said, "If you can cut the wedding costs down to $20,000 I will give you $50,000 cash for a down payment for a house."

Instead of considering the offer, or even negotiating for a $35,000 wedding and $35,000 cash, she said, "No Daddy. I want the whole $70,000 for the wedding."

He gave her the money and she had her party.

A year later, older and wiser, she now says, "I should have taken the house money."

You think?

Neighbors from Hell

2008-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

My co-worker was very pleased the other day. She did a happy dance when her neighbors moved out.

She's African American, and lived next door to virulently racist white supremacists.

They lived in a house that was so run-down, part of the building was covered with plastic tarp to prevent rainwater from coming in. Because there was no air conditioning, and the ventilation was so poor (despite the gaping holes), during the summer the tenants camped in a tent in the backyard.

On top of that, the Neo-Nazis believed it was their "Christian duty" thing to invite homeless people to stay with them.

Their guests stayed in a rusty, non-mobile mobile home situated in their yard (which was visible from the street). They ran big tubes (presumably containing sewage) from the trailer into their house.

The health department even came to investigate them. Twice.

My co-worker is quite happy the house is being torn down now.

Story Time

2008-10-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I entered a writing contest with a satirical story about two bumblers trying to solve a murder mystery. I spent lots of time creating quirky characters with clever lines, making obscure literary references, editing and polishing my work.

I never heard back from the contest sponsors regarding that story.

The next year, when the contest was announced again, I thought about re-entering. Then I remember all the time I spent writing last year's story without even a "Thank you for trying" note.

I decided, "The contest is probably judged by a group of elderly people with no sense of humor. They want something poignant and emotional and blah blah blah."

I sat down at the computer and banged out a story in 45 minutes, written from the perspective of a 12-year old boy. The dialogue was simplistic, the characters were two-dimensional and the plot was predictable. After looking at the finished product I thought, "Geez, this is the worst story I've ever written. There's no wit or cynicism. Where's the snark?"

Fueled by apathy (if that is even possible), I sent it in anyway.

Guess what? I won first place.

I even double-checked the letter and envelope to make sure it was really addressed to me. Until I got my prize money and a certificate with my name and story title printed on it, I had this gnawing fear that they would realize they made a mistake and rescind the prize.

I made $1000 in 45 minutes. (Holy crap I wish that could happen again!)

I was 17, and that was an enormous sum of money to me. Of course, I entered college a few months later and spent $800 on textbooks the first semester.

Oh well, it was good while it lasted.

Wedding Bells Keep Ringing

2008-10-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

I went to 3 weddings this summer, and I am attending a fourth one this weekend.

Just today, another friend announced her engagement. Plus, two other couples got engaged in September.

It's a conspiracy, I tell you.

But if there's food, I'm not complaining.

When French Nails Go Wrong

2008-09-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the bus, staring at the floor, when I noticed my neighbor had the most incredible case of toe fungus ever. I wondered why she would even wear open-toed shoes out in public before the infection was cleared up by massive doses of medication.

Then I realized that she had a French manicure, but instead of having the usual white tips, asked for yellow tips.

Oy. She probably thought it would be unusual and attention-getting.

Well, it worked.

Sorry J. M. Barrie

2008-09-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

Overheard on the bus (during a conversation between two women in their 20s):

"I'm reading Peter Pan right now. It's really different from the Disney movie. There's all this stuff about Peter Pan being a baby, and not wanting to grow up. Did you know, the guy who wrote Peter Pan was a dwarf?"

"Oh, like those primordial dwarfs?"

"Yeah, the ones that only grow to 3 feet tall? I bet that's why he wrote Peter Pan. Because he couldn't grow up himself."

"Wow."

(I bet she thinks Mark Twain was a pro wrestler, too).

Medical Mystery

2008-09-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment today, and I'm starting to think my doctor and her nurse find me weird.

I'm on medication that causes weight gain, but I'm losing weight instead. (I interpreted this to mean I should go out and buy a bag of Kit Kat bars. I'm eating one right now).

After the nurse gave me a shot, she stood there with a band-aid ready, and stared at my arm. A few seconds passed and she started to frown. "Huh, no blood." She then put the band-aid away.

I asked if I could have a band-aid anyway, maybe because I'm a hypochrondriac and I Have a Tiny HOLE in My Arm Now CAN'T YOU SEE!

Actually, no she couldn't. After I came home I pulled the band-aid off to peek at my wound. The prick was about 1 mm away from the edge of the band-aid pad.

Another Kit Kat bar will calm me down.

The Obvious Solution

2008-09-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

I used to work as a lab manager at a previous job. I think the building manager in that facility misses me.

He sent an email telling me that someone at my old lab called him in to look a clogged drain. When he got there, that person showed him a sink with several inches of murky water in it.

The building manager reached in and pulled out a drain plug.

I don't think he's very impressed with my replacement.

Subtle or Non-Subtle Advertising?

2008-09-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

I find the little digital scrolling display on gas stations creepy now.

They normally say, "Insert card" or something to that effect, and run ads like "Nachos inside!" while you're pumping gas.

The other day I saw one that said "We've got it right inside. Oh thank heaven."

I still don't know what they were selling.

Wolves and Sheep

2008-09-15T13:38:00.001-07:00

Listening to men talk in groups can be disturbingly vulgar, but fascinating from an anthropological point of view.

I recently overheard this gem from a group of men talking about a non-present friend, who was "chasing a chunky chick" he picked up at a bar.

Man 1: "He really needed a wingman, you know? When you got a wingman to help you out the wolves can be more selective with the sheep."
Man 2: "Shut up. You're sounding all philosophical and shit."
Man 1: "It ain't philosophical. It's all about picking out the sheep that's limping. Or the one that's gotten too fat to run with the herd."
Man 3: "Haha. Too fat to run is right in this case."

The same group of men, with a different conversation about assertiveness rubbing off on you:

Man 1: "I got more balls since I started living with my wife."
Man 3: "Maybe she gave you hers."
Man 1: "Says the guy who takes it up the ass!"
Man 3: "I still got balls."
Man 1: "Yeah, the ones that touch your ass."
Man 2: "Or the ones that touch your chin! Haha!"

I will never quite understand the other half of my species.

Comfortable Bathing

2008-09-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

I Have Hot Water.

Yes!

Mrs. Landlord actually showed up at my house yesterday to wait for the Gas Company guy, after I threatened to move out. I made it clear to her that her duty was not to just let the GC guy in, but to get me hot water. If the GC guy couldn't fix the problem, she was going to buy a brand new water heater that day, and have her husband or a repairman install it. I said, "I can stay here and pay rent for next month, or you can refund me half my September rent and deposit now. It's your choice. I can write you a check next month, or you can write me a check this month."

Mrs. Landlord came over in the morning and I went to work. When I came back, there was a service report from the GC guy on the kitchen table.

It turns out it was a simple pilot light problem. That's what I told them last week.

If they had listened to me last week, when I said, "I think it's the pilot light and I'm willing to take Friday off work to wait for the GC," we wouldn't have been in this mess.

Instead, they dragged their feet and lied to me. In the end, Mrs. Landlord had to take the day off work, drive 170 miles round trip in her giant gas-guzzling SUV to my place, sit in the hot house (without AC) and be so bored out of her mind she cleaned my kitchen.

I have no sympathy for her. She brought this on herself.

The Hot Water Rant

2008-09-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

I am officially sick of living in my place. I have not had any hot water since September started.

Warning: Depressing post ahead! Skip and wait for the next post for something cheerier.

There was a gas outage in my area during Labor Day weekend, while I was gone. (This was not the landlord's fault . . . yet).

I realized on Tuesday the 2nd that I had no hot water. I found out that the Gas Company was in the process of restoring services to everyone.

I waited for them to get to my neighborhood. By Thursday I realized something was wrong and I called the GC saying they skipped me. Because I was just a tenant, and not an account holder, they said I could not request service, and my flaky landlord had to make the call. (I can understand this policy any other time, but this is just stupid when the GC knows for sure there is a problem in the neighborhood).

I called the landlord's daughter on Thursday since she was in charge of the GC bill, and left a message. She emailed me Friday saying she was going to contact the GC to send service people.

Then silence.

On Sunday I called Mrs. Landlord. She insisted her daughter didn't tell her there was a problem, but said she will call the GC on Monday morning to make an appointment and call me.

I ended up calling her Monday night, and she said the GC is coming Tuesday afternoon.

I realized she lied about calling when her husband showed up instead. He couldn't figure out the problem, and asked me for the GC account number so that he could call.

Um, no. I don't have it. That's why you're here.

He called his wife and daughter and they ignored his calls. (Gee, now you know how that feels Landlord). He hung around for a bit, desperately making more last-minute, half-assed repairs before some homebuyers showed up that evening.

His wife eventually called, then talked to me, saying that it was not a gas problem, but a problem with the water company. I thought this was ridiculous. She insisted she called some "association" that collected "hot water fees" for the area, and they promised I would have hot water that afternoon.

That evening, I was still taking cold showers. I called Mrs. Landlord, who did not pick up the phone.

Today, Wednesday, I called Mrs. Landlord again, and was told the number was disconnected.

WTF!?

I got ahold of her at a different number. She said she would call the "association" again.

She called back later and said, "I think it is a Gas Company problem. Can you call them?"

1. I told you that a week ago.
2. I tried. I'm not an account holder, remember?

She whined about "having to make all these calls" for me, but did call the GC.

She then informed me that they are coming tomorrow (Thursday the 11th), but did not know what time.

Excuse me? You don't have an appointment? I took Tuesday afternoon off at work to wait for the imaginary GC repairman you lied about, and now you want me to take Thursday off too, and wait at home all day for someone you might be lying about again?

I told her I am going to work and she is taking the day off tomorrow to come wait all day at my house.

If I don't have hot water when I come home tomorrow, things are getting very ugly.

Ring Fund

2008-09-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

My former co-worker (who graduated and moved across the world to find a job), is barely 21, but announced to us that he has a "ring fund."

"What?"

"I'm saving up to buy an engagement ring."

"But you don't have a girlfriend."

"So?"

Knowing what we did about him, we found it surprising that he was already planning for marriage.

By the way, so you can get a better mental picture, this is the same guy who was a car seat for Halloween.

He bought a car seat, cut arm and leg holes in it, and invited girls to sit on him.

Strangest Conversation Ever

2008-09-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

At work, I met a man with aphasia due to a stroke. He could understand everything I said, but had incredible difficulty finding the right words to articulate what he wanted to say. I work for an educational group that provides science materials, and he wanted to know where to buy a particular item.

The man spent 10 minutes repeating the words "1951," "girl," "dead," "look at," and "splat." He also drew a picture that I thought was a faucet, but I eventually figured out it was a microscope.

I thought for a long time. Then I asked, "You want to buy HeLa human cancer cells to lyse, and for your students to observe under a microscope?"

"Yeah!" He was euphoric that someone finally understood him.

I'm officially psychic.

Mullet King

2008-09-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a man with awesome hair. It was the most memorable specimen of a mullet I had ever seen. It was 80's hair band meets afro meets boy band grease mess.

It was not like those limp, weak mullets you sometimes see on guys with less ambitious hairdos. Oh no, this was a full, thick, luxurious mane of hair. It was long, teased and puffed, with a bouffant on the top.

In addition, the whole thing was slicked with hair gel.

Short Man Wearing a Suit, I applaud you. It takes a special brand of ego to walk out the door every morning with hair like that and think, "I look good."

Ka-Ching!

2008-08-31T14:35:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went shopping with my friend (who is getting married this weekend). We went to her wedding site, a party shop, a cafe for lunch, a gift shop, an accessories store, a large make-up shop, a pizza place for dinner, a chocolatier and then her home to make wedding favors. I came home around midnight.

At the cosmetics boutique my friend said to a beautician, "I don't wear make-up, but I'm getting married, and you need to tell me what to do." You could see the dollar signs in the saleslady's eyes.

She selected an array of products and explained why each one was necessary "for good photos" and what they were used for. After giving the bride a make-over she asked if she wanted to buy the items that were used.

"Of course," said my friend, without seeing any of the prices.

As she signed her credit card receipt, she turned to me and said, "Don't look."

The final bill was about $200.

Prior to seeing the receipt I thought, "This seems fun. I should come back." I've changed that to "I'll come back after I graduate and find a job."

The House Saga Continues

2008-08-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

I left the house on Friday to spend the weekend at my parents' home. When I came back on Monday, both my roommates' bedrooms were empty.

I assumed that they were upset because the landlord is selling the house, and decided to do an emergency move. I wished they told me, but I thought maybe something happened over the weekend. (When I came back I saw that the cheapass landlord had decided to staple down new carpet on the stairs, without ripping out the old carpet, while I was gone).

A little while later, I got a message from the landlord asking, "What's going on? Your roommates moved out and haven't paid the August rent or electric bill?"

I replied that I had no idea they planned to move immediately, and I only found out myself an hour ago. (I'm glad we have separate rental agreements, and I'm not responsible for paying their share if they skip town).

Later that day, Female Roommate called me and explained she and her boyfriend (Male Roommate) had a big fight on Friday and broke up. He started saying vindictive, nasty things about tossing out her belongings.

She did not want to risk him carrying out his threat, and moved all her items to her mother's house while he was at work. He probably came back, saw she was gone and decided, "To hell with it, I'll leave too."

Female Roommate says she paid her August rent, but not the electric bill, because she loaned the boyfriend money.

I'm not sure how much of what she told me is a post-breakup smear campaign, but she told me he has a gambling problem, a drinking problem, and a "woman problem."

(I actually thought this was funny because "woman problem" could have referred to other things besides infidelity).

Holy crap.

It's too quiet in the house for my taste, but I'm glad they're not playing out this drama while still living here.

Another Kind of Home Invasion

2008-08-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

I came back from Europe about a week ago, but I've been silent due to my internet being cut off. Yes, my landlord "forgot" to pay the internet bill again. (I'm blogging from a friend's house). I was hoping to regale you with tales of my travel adventures, but I've been rather distracted.

I found out yesterday morning that my landlord is trying to sell the house, when a realtor showed up and said, "What? They didn't tell you?"

I stood there in my pajamas as she explained that he's been thinking of selling the house for a while, and she reminded him several times that he needed to notify his tenants. He kept insisting, "Yeah, I told them, but when you go to the house can you pretend you're a repairman or something?"

That bastard. Instead of telling us at the beginning of the summer so we could find new places to live, he decided to squeeze another few months of rent out of us. It didn't matter to him that trying to find an apartment right before school starts, after everyone else has signed their leases and found roommates, is rather difficult.

The newest roommate moved in 2 months ago. I'm sure the landlord knew at that time he was going to sell the house, but why consider the inconvenience to others when you can wring a few dollars from a college student dependent on his financial aid check to pay the rent?

I was suspicious when I came back from Europe and found flowers in the yard, and new carpet in an empty bedroom. I thought, "He's too lazy to fix the porch light but planted new flowers?" It all makes sense now. He's attempting to do last-minute, half-assed repairs. The realtor told him he needed to change all the filthy carpet in the house. He only changed about 1/3. There are now 3 (obviously) different colors and textures of adjoining carpet in the upstairs. The new carpet is lumpy, has huge air pockets, peels up near the walls and has loose nails and staples. It also smells funny.

I've also been requested not to be present when prospective buyers come to see the house. He doesn't want me telling people about the rat infestation problem, the dead air conditioning, the dodgy appliances and the electrical problems. Screw you jackass. I'll play along. I won't be in the house, but it doesn't mean I can't hang out around the driveway. Perhaps I'll let the buyers in and say, "Hi, I'm Snark and I have to go take a walk because they don't want me to talk to you. I'll be around nearby. Thanks!"

If the buyers are smart they'll chase me down and I can let them know to expect $9,000 in repairs the moment they move in. (The dead AC is over 20 years old. Every repairman has said they can patch it, but it'll break down very soon, so they recommend a $9000 replacement. I'm sure the landlord will cheap out and do the patch).

Yes, you heard right. It's been 6 weeks without air-conditioning in the house. There were two heatwaves during this time, with temperatures over 100 degrees.

In the next few weeks I'm supposed to expect a stream of strangers going through my bedroom, poking into my closets. The realtor has informed me that legally I can't "obstruct his fiduciary rights" so I have to accommodate anyone who wants to wander in and steal my stuff, even if I'm not home. (The realtor has keys that she's leaving in an electronic lock box attached to the house, that only "authorized" people can access).

I asked for 24 hours notice any time someone needs to enter, but I'm not optimistic about that. My landlord has shown up in the past unannounced. One time, he brought his son and entered with his own key, without even knocking. He walked in on my roommate, who just came out of the shower wrapped in a towel. There was no apology.

The realtor brought an air-conditioning salesman to the house yesterday to give a repair estimate. He needed to get into the attic through the entry in my bedroom. As usual, a shower of dust, rat feces and plaster came down onto my bed and floor. When I went down to the garage to get the vacuum cleaner to tidy up (yet again) I found out that the landlord took the vacuum. I had to borrow one from a friend in order to make my room livable. Sadly, I expect this to repeat as last-minute repairs continue.

I am worried, but not in panic mode. The housing market is poor, and the greedy jerk has an asking price that's $50,000 to $60,000 too much, according to the realtor. Plus, even if the house sells right now the escrow is going to take one month. I'm thinking of alternate housing options, but homelessness is not imminent.

Lords and Ladies

2008-08-16T18:57:00.000-07:00

The very first time my friends dragged me to a nightclub I decided two things:
1. I am not coming back here.
2. I am a freak magnet. (Like poor Ginger).

One of the first people I met was an individual who introduced himself as "Lord Dimitry." He admitted Dimitry was not his real name, but he thought it sounded cool. I suppose, if you are a naive little 14 year old who worshiped Ann Rice you could be excused for saying things like "I am Count Mordred and I am 400 years old! Wanna come back to my crypt of doom?" But one is supposed to outgrow this phase. Please, when you're balding (with greasy stringy hair) it's not cool, fun or attractive to tell strange girls to call you "Lord" anything. The genuinely spooky individuals are sniggering at you, Dimitry.

I spent the evening clinging to my friends like dryer lint on a screen, and using them as a human shield. It did not work.

The next person I "met" was particularly determined and shoved himself into our circle and extended his hand towards me. I found this rather rude. Really, if you want to talk to a girl, don't offend her by treating her friends like they don't exist. Furthermore, his appearance creeped me out. He had long hair and was wearing an androgynous blouse, and there was something unnatural about the color and texture of his skin. Perhaps he was simply rather pale, but I could not shake the feeling he was wearing foundation. I discussed this with my friends later and we could not decide whether he was an amateur transvestite, or just a really bad goth. I chose the former, because it sounded funnier.

He said, "Hi, I'm Amateur Tranny. What's your name?"

I looked at his hand, then looked at him, and said, "I don't touch." I then gave him the look that normally makes people flee in terror. However, I underestimated his ability to see the silver lining in every cloud.

Amateur Tranny smiled and said, "Oh! Do you like girls?"

I wasn't sure what this meant:
1. "I'm a straight guy but it'll protect my ego if I assume you're rejecting me because you're a lesbian."
2. "I'm a stereotypical straight man who likes imagining lesbians doing lesbian things. Please say you like girls because it'll turn me on."
3. "I'm a tranny! Love me! Me!"

I weighed my options and said, with as straight a face as I could muster at the moment, "I'm a misanthrope."

This was not the response he was looking for. He said "oh" with a surprised look, then turned away. I sighed with relief and had no more awkward encounters with him, except for when I stumbled upon him sitting on the staircase with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

This was also the same night a couple approached me for a threesome.

Should I be flattered or creeped out that both men and women (and those in between) find me attractive?

And FYI, not that it should matter: I was wearing an ankle-length skirt, a baggy blouse and a coat I dared not remove the entire evening. Perhaps this was misinterpreted as "Oooh, I'm mysterious. Come hit on me."

Be Careful When Screencapping

2008-08-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

One of my friends works in a office where a secretary has an addiction to screencapping. When there is something she wants to show someone, instead of utilizing copy/paste to transfer the text into an email, or even providing a URL, she decides to press the "Print Screen" button.

She then makes a .jpeg and sends it as an email attachment, which requires everyone to download the file and use an image viewer to see a slightly blurry picture of her screen.

Everyone was suitably annoyed with this practice, until she slipped up.

She was running multiple applications, and sent a .jpeg that showed some of the other items she had on her taskbar.

One was an internet browser labeled "Sex Acts."

Supermarket Drama

2008-08-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have a cousin who has a reputation for being rather foul-mouthed, yet works in customer service. She manages fine, until she meets someone equally combative.

Once, she was passing out free samples of wine as part of a holiday promotion at the grocery store where she worked.

A customer asked, "How much is that wine?"

When my cousin gave him the price, he said, "What? That's too much."

She said, "There's a cheaper kind over there."

The customer decided to take that as a personal insult. "Are you calling me cheap? You don't think I can afford this wine or something?"

When she didn't correct him, he yelled, "Look at you! You must be some kind of uneducated person to work such a degrading job!"

My cousin retorted, "Look at you! You look like you have venereal disease!"

Upon hearing this, the customer flew into a rage. Both he and wife started screaming for a manager, and my cousin started yelling back.

When the manager arrived and asked the other store employees who were witnesses to the outburst what happened, they all said the customer started it.

I supposed "The customer is always right" doesn't apply when you inadvertently insult all the other employees working a "degrading job."

Europe Here I Come

2008-08-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm leaving on a trip abroad.

I plan to eat my way across Europe. Much of my spending money is earmarked for weird, foreign candy.

I'm going to try out the scheduled posts thing. If it works, there are a few stories in the queue that will pop up like magic, without my intervention. If it doesn't work, then this blog will go silent for about 2 weeks, but don't worry, I'll be back!

With my luck, there will be at least a few wackos in my tour group.

A Free Show

2008-08-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

At work, one of the student employees was trying to give away tickets to a male strip show. She could not convince anyone to take them.

The previous week she was at a bar, and one of the bouncers gave her the tickets. When she read what was printed on them, she burst into giggles.

The bouncer said grimly, "Don't laugh. It's a good show."

We thought, "How good can the show be if it's free?"

We tried to talk the men in the lab into going, but unfortunately the show was for female audiences only.

That is so unfair. Gay men want to see strippers too!

My Co-Workers Have a Weird Sense of Humor

2008-07-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

One of the students in my lab is pre-med. He hasn't decided what his specialty in medicine will be, but everyone is trying to convince him to become a gynecologist.

Why? Because his initials are VAG.

At lunch today, people gave him helpful suggestions such as:

"Wouldn't it be cool to have a name tag that says Dr. Vag?"

"You could open up a women's clinic and call it 'The Vag Center.'"

"You can get a license plate for your car that says VAG MAN."

This is what happens when geeks get bored.

Infertility and Infidelity

2008-07-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

My co-worker Jane always has stories about her crazy, dysfunctional family. Today she told us one about her uncle.

Uncle and his wife had trouble conceiving a child, due to some fertility problems. The whole family knew the particulars of that particular problem because during Thanksgiving dinner, Uncle announced to everyone that he had a low sperm count.

Some time afterwards, he and his wife adopted a baby girl. A month later, his wife got pregnant. Some people thought, "Gee, doesn't it always happen that way?" However, Grandpa (Uncle's father) was suspicious. (Jane described Grandpa as "having a little more sense" and "being heavily armed.")

While his son was at work, Grandpa took his guns over to his daughter-in-law's home, and caught her with two men from the truck stop.

Grandpa chased off the other men, and wasted no time telling everyone that the bun in the oven did not belong to his son.

Poor Uncle now had two kids that he was not biologically related to. He divorced his wife, gave his adopted daughter to his mother to raise, then proceeded to "shack up with a succession of truck stop waitresses," according to Jane.

At the current time, Uncle plans to marry a nice woman who wants a Catholic wedding. This means Uncle is trying to get his first marriage annulled by the Church.

As part of the application for annulment, 7 family members have to fill out a 8-10 page questionnaire that asks for very personal details of Uncle's relationship(s).

Jane's mother is filling out one of the questionnaires, and keeps calling her to say, "You won't believe what they're asking now!"

61st Carnival of The Feminists

2008-07-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

A new blog carnival is up at Diary of a Freak Magnet, hosted by Ginger.

There are lots of interesting posts, so take a look!

(By the way, I haven't gotten any inappropriate spam comments in a while, so I've disabled the word verification in the comments. Don't make me reinstate it. You know who you are).

Greek House

2008-07-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

My co-worker Jane used to share an apartment with 5-6 Greek men who were recent immigrants to the US. All of them (and their friends) were extremely comfortable with their bodies, and spent much of their time in the nude.

Jane described living in that apartment as, "It was like being on the set of Caligula."

It was not unusual for Jane to come home and find about a dozen naked, or near-naked men in the living room, chain-smoking cigarettes. Because of this, if she brought her own friends over, she would enter the apartment first to "do a naked check."

One day, during a naked check she ran into Stavros, who asked, "What are you doing?" Jane explained she had a friend outside the door, and she wanted to make sure there were no nude men wandering about.

Stavros was appalled. "Why don't she want to see me naked?"

He was genuinely offended. "I look good naked." He could not understand that some people did not like to look at his naughty bits.

However, the men were very nice, and they did occasionally put on clothes. At night, they greased up their hair, donned cowboy boots, put on garishly neon clothing that exposed their chest hair, and went clubbing. Jane told me they looked like "radioactive gay cowboys."

Mothers Have a Special Language

2008-07-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

I was having lunch with some female friends and the topic turned to our mothers and what they think of us, our reputations and our relationships. The common theme seemed to be that our mothers are terrified other people will view us as "damaged merchandise."

---

Friend #1, prior to meeting her husband, was subjected to motherly comments such as, "Why are you still single? Your sister is fatter and uglier but she still found a man. You're getting old!" (Translation: Hurry before your ovaries shrivel up and turn into dust).

When Friend #2 announced her engagement to a man her mother didn't adore, the admonishments changed to, "You're still young! Why do you need to settle down? Take your time." (Translation: Find someone else).

When Friend #1 and her fiancé bought a house, her mom said, "Oh that's so nice!" (I can remind all of my friends that my child is more successful than theirs).

After they signed the papers her mother suddenly realized, "Oh my god! You're going to be living in sin!" (I have to tone down the bragging about the house to our relatives!)

---

Friend #2, who is currently living with her fiancé, was recently introduced to his mother's relatives. Prior to the visit, she begged her, "Please don't let them know you're living together! Please don't tell them!" (I want my family to think my son is marrying a pure, virtuous girl).

---

Friend #3 remarked her boyfriend's parents didn't know they were sharing living quarters until they came to visit. She decided that surprising people instead of telling them in advance gives them no time to object.

---

My own mother likes to remind me, "You're looking really old and tired." (Eat more, and take your vitamins).

She's also asked, "Do you think your boyfriend will dump you for someone younger and prettier in a couple of years?" (Take more vitamins, so you'll stay young longer).

My mom has told me more than once, "After he finishes medical school, he'll have money and lots of women will try to steal him." (I told you to take your vitamins).

---

We shared the stories and then laughed it off. When we were 13, we would have probably thought, "Your mom is a crazy woman trying to destroy your self-esteem, too!?"

Fortunately, we're old enough to realize they say awful things, not because they're awful people who want to ruin our lives, but because they genuinely believe that it is helpful. I doubt that I and my friends would be as opinionated and independent if our mothers kept their mouths shut.

Thanks Mom for being a loud, irrational worrywort.

Mummy Man

2008-07-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that works in a coroner's office. One of the bodies that recently came in was a man who died in his chair at home, and was not discovered for 6 months.

They know he died during the winter, since there were two heat lamps aimed towards him, which dessicated his body.

His power didn't get shut off because he had own propane-powered generator. Apparently, he was a very reclusive individual, hell-bent on self-reliance, because his propane tank had enough gas to run two heat lamps 24 hours a day for half a year.

He was finally discovered, not by family, but by someone who came to serve him papers because he hadn't paid his mortgage. (I don't think the process server realized finding dead bodies was part of the job description).

I think the moral of the story is if you don't have any friends that will miss you if you disappear for 6 months, have some method of preserving your body. I hear heat lamps are excellent for making human jerky.

I'm Still Melting

2008-07-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 2 AM last night and realized I was not sweating, despite the intense heat. I was that dehydrated. I made myself drink 3 glasses of water before trying to go back to sleep. Instead, I kept thinking, "Even if the portable cooling unit worked (which it doesn't), it roars too loudly to allow sweet sweet slumber."

My landlord has yet to call me back regarding my air conditioning situation. When I agreed it was okay for him to buy a new AC system, instead of repairing the old one, I did not mean "Hey, drop a glorified fan at my door and drive off."

The cooling unit and the fans he left for my roommate look new, like he just bought them. I hope he is having trouble obtaining equipment, and bought these for us to use temporarily, out of the goodness of his heart (which I am deeply cynical about). I am paranoid that the actual motive is, "Here's your damn AC. Now shut up."

Dude, at least call me back and tell me if this is your idea of a permanent "fix" or not.

I'm Melting

2008-07-09T22:03:00.001-07:00

I am miserable. There is a heat wave in my town this week. It's been 110 degrees for the past two days, and my air conditioner is broken.

Yesterday, my landlord sent an AC repairman to my house. Apparently, the AC guy is very busy, because he couldn't even give me a 2-hour window. I was told "We'll call you right before we come over." I had to sit at home in the sweltering heat, NOT making money at work, waiting for him to show up.

The AC guy examined the central air conditioning system, and said it needed over $2000 worth of repairs. He called my landlord to make sure he would pay for it, and got a big fat "No."

The AC is very old, and has been fixed before, so the landlord was afraid he would pay for repairs, only to have it break down again. The landlord called me and said he would put in a brand new system instead.

I thought this was reasonable, as long as he came the very next day (today). I was nervous about him cheaping out, and trying to install it himself, but I was desperate for the ability to wear clothing indoors, especially since I live on the second floor.

Today, I worked overtime at work to make up for yesterday's lack of hours, but also to linger in the cool building as long as I could. I imagined coming home to a nice, chilly house.

I was naive.

When I got home I found a portable air conditioning unit outside my bedroom door. Yes, the kind you plug into the wall.

I tried it out, only to find that it vented very hot air through the back, sides and top, thus negating the cool air flowing out the front. I realized it was the type that you put underneath a sliding window. Unfortunately, my window slides open left to right, not up and down.

I put it on my skinny window ledge, propping up the inside edge with a desk and 3 cardboard boxes. I used wall paper and duct tape to seal up the large exposed portion of the window above the AC unit.

Because I had a screen on the window, I could not push the unit out far enough. Hot air from the side and top vents was still blowing into my room. Plus, the AC started to leak large amounts of liquid from the bottom. When I tried to move the AC large amounts splashed out. I really hope my carpet is not soaked with Freon.

I've been running an electric fan that pushes the hot air around the room. I am not looking forward to my energy bill at the end of the month.

I've called the landlord's cell phone and home number 3 times and left 2 messages, telling him about the AC and asking if this was just a temporary measure. I have not received a response. I am horrified to think that he might consider this a good "fix" for my problem. I hope he doesn't say "you agreed I could put in a new AC unit not a new AC system that cools the whole house and not just your bedroom."

Snark is mad.