Dishonorable Intentions

I once took a hobby class with a mixed variety of students. One student, a balding Caucasian man nearly twice my age, approached me on the first day and informed me he "grew up in a very diverse neighborhood."

FYI: I'm Asian.

Oh, I thought. He's insecure about his whiteness and wants to assure me he's PC.

I gave a passive tilt of the head.

"Yeah, there were Hispanics in my neighborhood, and Blacks and Asians, and all kinds of people. It was really diverse. You know, a real mix of different people."

I started looking around to see if there was someone else to talk to. Everyone seemed busy. Drat.

" I grew up in a really diverse neighborhood around different types of people, so I have no problem with anyone. "

Yes, I get that. Is there a point to your speech?

"Yeah, so I have no problem dating Asian women."

Oh dear holy toast with jam, he has a point. And an agenda.

"In fact, all my girlfriends, except for the last one and the mother of my daughter, have been Asian."

1. Dating almost exclusively Asian women doesn't show you're not racist. It actually implies otherwise.
2. Perhaps this is harsh, but I believe when you have a kid you forfeit the right to pick up anyone else that can be referred to as "kid" (e.g. "college kid").

I took his last comment as a sign to extricate myself from the "conversation" and pretend someone else had summoned me.

Later, after insisting he was a "writer" he proffered some of his work in a notebook. To be polite, I reluctantly took it, opened it up, read the first line on the first page, slammed the book shut and handed it back to him.

Snark Scribe: "I don't read porn."
Old Pervert: "It's not really porn."
SS: "I don't read erotica."

After that I tried avoiding him. He thought I was playing "hard to get."

I said "I don't like you." He thought it was my way of being "friendly."

I resorted to making mean comments. He said "You're a woman of mystery."

No, I'm not a mystery. If a girl teases you, smiles in a coquettish manner, minces away while stealing glances over her shoulder, she may be flirting. If she insults you with a straight face, crosses her arms and then walks away without turning around, she Does Not Like You.

Thankfully, he eventually turned his attentions to another girl in the class. A girl with the same age, hair color, eye color, skin color . . . well you get the point.

After I was informed of the details I had two reactions:
1. Howling laughter and giggle fits
2. A realization that I actually got off easy

Rather than just showing her his "erotica," he decided to write a special piece just for her. He handed her a letter that contained phrases such as "I can imagine our bodies pressed together." The kicker was that he concluded his letter with "But my intentions are purely honorable."

The girls in the class thought this was absolutely hilarious.
"Wow, this guy really doesn't understand the meaning of irony."
"Or honorable."

Or "I don't like you."