A Sigh of Relief

For the past several months my fiance and I have been trying to buy a house.

For the past month we have been dealing with unexpected delays, demands and other issues that have drained me of my spare time.

Before this, I did not know there were so many people involved in the home-buying process that needed to coordinate their efforts. There was a realtor, realtor's assistant, mortgage broker, underwriter, home inspector, roof inspector, home appraiser, title officer, title officer's assistant, processor, notary and probably some other people I'm forgetting.

When I get collected I will write about the comedy of errors.

But right now I am very relieved. We got the keys this week.

We are homeowners!

A Terrible Name for Your Child

A co-worker told me a story about a class he took in college. On the first day, the professor called roll. As he read off the list of names he reached one that gave him pause.

"Um," he said hesitantly, "I'm not sure how this is pronounced so I'll say it the way it's spelled. Is there a Shithead here?"

A girl stood up and said, "Professor, it's pronounced Shuh-theed."

Leering and Staring

At work we had to attend a sexual harassment prevention seminar. The speaker gave a Powerpoint presentation. One of the slides contained a list of inappropriate behavior, such as touching, gestures, leering and staring.

The speaker told us that in a previous class a creeper said, "What? Leering and staring isn't sexual harassment! I do it all the time!"

When met with shock, the creeper asked the speaker, "Come on, don't you leer and stare?" The answer was no.

At the end of class the creeper wrote "If you don't leer you're queer" on the seminar evaluation form, and signed his full name.

The idiot does not work for the department anymore.

Stupid Arguments

I witnessed a man and a woman debating the merits of holes of different sizes. (I have no idea how this started). The woman was in favor of small holes while the man preferred large ones.

Woman: "Yeah but large holes are like pot holes. It isn't cool to be driving and have your car go off the road because of some big ass hole in front of you."

Man: "Hahaha. And tiger holes, don't they have spikes on the bottom?"

Woman: "There's a low probability you'll step into a gopher hole but if you do you'll sprain your ankle."

Man: "Then you'd have to be put to sleep."

They both laughed and then discussed snake pits.

Shiny

In the area I live in, a mortgage is cheaper than rent, so my fiance and I are hoping to buy a home. Our realtor's assistant picked up some paperwork from us the other day. He drove up in a brand new Porsche that still had the dealer's sticker.

While we were in the parking lot together, a number of people walked by and openly admired the car.

If even the realtor's assistant can afford a shiny new sports car, I think the current housing market must be treating agents very well.

Stalker Bus

Hey Guys, this is a bad way to pick up a girl:

On the bus I saw a man asking a female passenger miscellaneous questions about her life, and telling her about his. She was obviously bored, and trying to give him brief replies such as, "I guess" and "you know."

As the bus neared its destination the guy decided to take a leap. He said, "So, do you have any stalkers?" (Translation, "I could fill that gap in your life.")

She looked at him like he had tentacles sprouting out of his ears. "What?"

He clarified. "Any romantic prospects?"

She told him no and got off the bus.

Auntie Val

I'm in the process of collecting names and addresses to send out save the date cards for my wedding. The list is mostly friends and close family, but there are some family members I've decided not to send an announcement to. One of those is my elderly "Auntie Val."

When I graduated high school I sent announcements to many of my family, including Auntie Val. She responded with a very depressing letter. She told me how glad she was that I was pursuing my education, because she didn't have a chance to go to college and her dreams were crushed. Her life was terrible and her marriage was a failure, and she thought about committing suicide on her wedding day. (Did I mention Auntie Val is a bit odd?)

After my mom read her letter she said, "Don't send her a college announcement. Who knows what she'll write next time." I think if I send Auntie Val a save the date card she may respond with, "Congratulations. I'm glad you have a chance to have a good life with a man. If you're lucky he won't be a cheating lying bastard and you won't name your son after a reviled man in history and you won't become estranged from your children and siblings and move to another state and be labeled crazy."

During high school, Auntie Val also sent me a photo of herself. It arrived framed, as if she was sure I wouldn't put it on the mantle unless it was ready to display. (My family digs out that photo whenever she comes to visit from out of state).

During one of her visits she decided to bring me an eclectic collection of gifts. These included printer labels and two boxes of tampons. When my mother tried to politely dissuade her from giving me more tampons in the future by saying it wasn't necessary for her to give me such things, Auntie Val misunderstood. She exclaimed, "She's a big girl now! She's pretty late if she doesn't need tampons!"

The last time I saw Auntie Val was at my grandmother's funeral, which was a traditional Asian ceremony where we burned incense and paper money. Auntie Val, the only Catholic in the family, was apparently offended by our "pagan" practices. She was rude during the ceremony, and behaved coldly towards the family. She didn't seem to realize that what Grandma would have wanted was the most important thing.

If Auntie Val shows up to my wedding and starts throwing a fit because it's a secular outdoor ceremony without a full Mass, I think my family is prepared to ninja her away.