Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


College-aged female on phone:

"You need to take me into consideration. I hate Boston! It's cold. It's all white. I thought if I lived there a while I'd like it. But I don't! You need to take me into consideration. I take you into consideration. I go shopping with you!"

For some reason this reminds of a quote from a documentary called "Born Rich."

Interviewer: "Would you ever fall in love with a poor man?"
Socialite: "Yeah, I guess. But he'd have to understand I really like shopping."


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ice Fighting

I went to my first hockey game last night even though I'm generally not interested in sports. I've never even been to a high school football game, so I had a feeling I was going to be bored. Actually, I found it rather amusing how they shuffled players in and out of the rink very quickly while the game was ongoing. I was impressed by their ability to cycle while other team members were still battling for the puck elsewhere on the ice. Sometimes instead of using the little doors the players simply crawled over the edge of their enclosure like roaches.

However, I must admit I was hoping to see a brawl.

I was not disappointed. I'm not sure how the fight started, but all of a sudden two men threw down their hockey sticks, removed their gloves and started punching each other.

It was awesome.

I thought, "This is much better that a huge pile of men shoving each other. These guys took off their gloves! And the referees didn't separate them right away!"

To my surprise, I later found out that fighting is condoned, and there are rules about what is acceptable fighting. There's an entire Wikipedia article about it.

I may have to start watching more sports.

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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Medical Volunteer

A friend of mine is in medical school, and is currently practicing basic exams on volunteer patients. Recently, her class learned how to perform rectal and prostate exams on faux patients that were paid $100 an hour.

The first patient was nervous and somewhat embarrassed. The poor man probably volunteered due to financial need.

The second patient was quite the opposite of shy. Prior to leading the medical students into the exam room, the instructor said, "I don't want you to be alarmed, but this next patient is a nudist and will not be wearing any clothes."

According to my friend, not only was he stark naked, but he was "posing." He greeted all the students with a warm, "Hi, how are you doing?"

The students found out that he was a habitual volunteer for the rectal exams at a different medical school. Whenever he moved to a new area, he contacted the nearest school in his new hometown and announced his arrival.

The instructor later said, "I'm not sure whether the fact that he is very experienced is a good thing, or a disturbing thing."

My theory is that the nudist volunteer enjoys the exams, and thinks being paid to be naked is the greatest thing ever.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Boy or Girl?

A random memory from elementary school:

On the first day of first grade the teacher allowed the students to sit where they wanted. The classroom was arranged in tables with 4 chairs each. Since we were still at the age where the opposite sex had "cooties" all the students automatically sorted themselves by gender.

After everyone sat down the teacher said, "Oh look. All the girls are sitting at tables with other girls, and all the boys are sitting at tables with other boys."

Then she noticed one child who seemed out of place. "Oh except for you!" she said to a long-haired child sitting at a table of boys.

The child mumbled something shyly. The teacher looked confused. "What? Wait, are you a boy or girl?"

He responded that he was a boy.

"Oh I thought you were a girl."

The poor kid was screwed from day one.

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dead Penguins

I bought my fiance 4 pairs of penguin boxers as a gift. He said the tags inside were scratchy, so I carefully used a seam ripper to pick apart the threads holding the tags in the boxers. I fixed 3 pairs but he was wearing one, so I said I'd do it another time.

Later, I found that pair in the trash.

I wasn't around and he got impatient, so he decided to cut the tags off with a pair of large scissors. He snipped one thread too many, and the boxers fell apart in the washing machine.

I think it would have been funnier if they fell apart while he was wearing them, but he's learned his lesson.

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Thursday, March 12, 2009

Kids These Days

Dear Lazy High School Senior,

When your teacher told you to write an essay about a career you're interested in, and was nice enough to say, "Hey, I know someone who's associated with the field you want to write about and here's her email address" she did not give you a free pass to turn off your brain.

When the person you contacted said, "This is not my subspecialty, but you should talk to ____ and ______, and here's some really detailed career advice," you should probably respond with a "Thank you."

Also, if you send your contact a second email asking if you can job shadow her and she explains she can't because she's just a student writing her thesis, and reiterates that she's not even studying your subspecialty of interest, you should listen carefully.

This is because when you send your contact a third email asking her to fill out a questionnaire about the subspecialty she's not in, you look like an idiot.

By the way, telling your contact to "Do this ASAP because I need to turn it in at school tomorrow" will not elicit any sympathy.


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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Road Trip

My fiance and I are taking a trip this weekend to visit his parents, and we've decided that we will not be stopping in a particular place along the way.

On a past visit we used the gas station bathroom in a very conservative prison town in the middle of nowhere.

As I stood outside the bathroom waiting, I did not know that inside the mens' room my fiance was becoming increasingly disturbed by the racist graffiti inside. At first he thought it was funny that the little pictures of the KKK looked like Doritos chips, then he realized, "OMG. Snark is the only non-white person in this town, and she's standing outside alone in a bright red dress, probably smiling at people and looking innocent!"

He hurried out of the bathroom and told me, "Get in the car!"


"Get in the car I'll tell you later!"

Two tough-looking men with bald heads stared at us as he ushered me into the car. Once inside he told us why we will never go back.