Emotionally Unstable

I am getting a wee bit tired of tip-toeing around the weird girl at work. She's very shy and quiet, and has self-esteem problems, so I've always been extra nice to her.

I now realize that she is bat shit insane.

I work for a government laboratory where everything is meticulously documented and triple-checked. It is standard protocol to review someone else's work and notify them to fix errors, even if it's something minor like forgetting to initial something.

Recently, while working on a project I found that Miss Unstable submitted an unnecessary request for outside services, for an issue that had already been resolved. I sent her a courtesy email to let her know the issue was corrected and I had removed her request.

Instead of reading my email as "Hey just to let you know this was fixed after you sent in the request no worries!" somehow she misinterpreted it to mean "You screwed up and you're dumb! I will review all your work because I am petty! Bwahahaha!"

She stormed into the other project leader's office, literally in TEARS, and insisted I denied the request because I had a vendetta against her, and would rather quit the project than work on anything where I was in charge.

The Project Leader calmly explained that I did not know who had submitted the services request at the time I decided it was unnecessary, and that it was the Project Leader who had looked up the requester and asked me to send the courtesy email to Ms. Unstable, after she concurred that the request was unnecessary.

This did not convince Ms. Unstable. "You don't understand! She's always been bitchy to me!"

This was a surprise to me and the Project Leader, who then found out that Ms. Unstable had been nursing a grudge for months over a perceived slight. The "always been bitchy" referred to ONE other incident of her being bat shit crazy. One time she had to go home early and I offered to finish her part of the project we were both working on since management told us it was a rush job that should be completed ASAP.

Instead of thinking "how nice" Ms. Unstable thought, "OMG. She thinks I'm slow and incompetent."

I am now planning to avoid her like the plague if her paranoia allows her to twist every kind gesture into something sinister.

After her tearful rant in the Project Leader's office was not met with agreement, she stormed out and shopped her "Woe is me" speech around. Everyone's reaction was "If you can't get along with Snark, it's not Snark's problem." I presume she realized she was not winning the PR campaign, because later that day she went back to the Project Leader's office and backtracked. "Uh, I hope you don't think I was angry at Snark. I wasn't implying that at all. I don't want any rumors to start or people to think I don't like her, and you don't need to talk to management about my behavior."

She then sent me an email explaining why she had submitted the services request, and why she would continue to do so. It was politely worded, but essentially said, "I didn't do anything wrong and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing."

The Proselytizer

At my current job there was an employee who made everyone uncomfortable. She left religious pamphlets on desks. When she was told by management that it was inappropriate to do things like that at a government agency, she complained that it violated her religious freedom to be unable to violate other people's freedom to be free from being preached to at work.

When she found out a co-worker was gay she told him it "would be a good idea" if he agreed to go to church with her. Afterwards, we started joking "She wants him to pray the gay away!"

I don't think people would have minded this behavior so much if she hadn't been a crappy employee as well.

She regularly called out sick, or showed up very late, when she was assigned to work on projects or with people she didn't like. One time she told a group of us that she had plans and was going to be gone on Friday. Everyone assumed she had an approved vacation and management had been notified. That Friday, a supervisor told us that she was "out sick." I didn't know it was possible to plan being sick 3 days in advance.

One time I was doing a team project with her and the employee she tried to "fix." While the two of us were working we found she was surfing the internet. When he told her "Um, we're a little shorthanded today so everyone has to pitch in and do their part" she ignored him. A long pause later she asked, "Were you talking to me?"

Management grew to dislike her as well. Since all of us had to go through extensive and expensive background checks and training, we agreed to stay for a minimum of 2 years when we were offered the job. 6 or 7 months after the Proselytizer started working, she quit her job. She revealed that she was planning to go back to school, and had applied a while back. She took the job fully knowing she wasn't planning to stay, and deprived someone else who really wanted the position the opportunity.

On her last day at the job she distributed gifts. They were books written by a preacher known for his "gayness can be cured" ideology. She left them on the desks of people who were nice enough to talk to her (and she erroneously thought agreed with her), and also on the desk of the resident metrosexual.

The metrosexual was very, very mad.

Poor Perseus

I originally read this particular Craiglist ad a while ago, but I've rediscovered it and it's good for a laugh each time. Each person I show it to reads it and makes funny faces that show their growing horror at the laundry list of desirable and very specific qualities this man requires in his ideal girlfriend. When I scroll to the bottom of the ad where the would-be Romeo has a picture of himself, everyone says "Ough!" without fail. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but doesn't understand that in the cruel world of dating, if you're trying to hook a hot girl, you shouldn't post a red-faced, double-chinned photo of yourself grimacing in a science t-shirt.

Perseus is looking for love. He says he likes "my women with some meat on them" but requires his ideal woman to be no larger than 115 pounds. (My female friends think he's looking for a dwarf).

He's specifically looking for Asian women, but prefers "Nihonese," which is another way of saying "I'm a Wapanese tard."

He's 22, but okay with dating 16-year olds, possibly because women his age know better.

He wants someone with a "Traditional Ladies' education" which means needlework and French to me, but I think he's looking for subservience.

A bonus is if his lady love owns a "Large collection of animé and manga" so he can borrow her cartoon DVDs and comic books and "enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé."

Perseus also wants to make sure you understand he's not looking for a " 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside."

Sorry, I don't think you will be a boy toy anytime soon.

Medical Volunteer

A friend of mine is in medical school, and is currently practicing basic exams on volunteer patients. Recently, her class learned how to perform rectal and prostate exams on faux patients that were paid $100 an hour.

The first patient was nervous and somewhat embarrassed. The poor man probably volunteered due to financial need.

The second patient was quite the opposite of shy. Prior to leading the medical students into the exam room, the instructor said, "I don't want you to be alarmed, but this next patient is a nudist and will not be wearing any clothes."

According to my friend, not only was he stark naked, but he was "posing." He greeted all the students with a warm, "Hi, how are you doing?"

The students found out that he was a habitual volunteer for the rectal exams at a different medical school. Whenever he moved to a new area, he contacted the nearest school in his new hometown and announced his arrival.

The instructor later said, "I'm not sure whether the fact that he is very experienced is a good thing, or a disturbing thing."

My theory is that the nudist volunteer enjoys the exams, and thinks being paid to be naked is the greatest thing ever.

Nuke the Whales

My coworker had a crazy high school teacher that was a former nun. She told her class she never wore lipstick because "it's made from whale blubber, and they kill whales with nuclear warheads, so when you use lipstick it has radiation in it."

This woman also had a fake plant on her desk, that she watered daily. One morning, the students noticed a new fake flower in the middle of the fake plant. Despite having to "help" the plant bloom, she continued to water it.

Her memory was so bad, she once showed the same history video to her class four days in a row. (Maybe she forgot her plant was fake?)

She later quit her job and purchased a piece of land with her husband, and tried to start a cult.

None of my high school teachers were that amusing.

Couchsurfing

It's been a nomadic week for me. I have my belongings split between several places so I don't have to annoy any particular friend for more than several nights at a time, especially if they're a couple who wants some "alone" time.

Odd Guy has tried contacting me 3 times since I left. I am very suspicious about his motives.

His first text message was the day after I moved out, and was a polite offer to let me move back in. It was very uncharacteristic of him to use words like "thank you," especially after throwing a fit just 24 hours before, so I ignored the message. Besides, why the hell would I move back in?

Several hours later, he said "come back to the apartment and I'll give you your deposit." My first thought was "It's a trap!" I assumed he meant that he would give me back my money if I moved back in, due to his first message. I wasn't that desperate for cash.

I talked to one of the other roommates, who told me they planned to move out too, so perhaps Odd Guy was trying to recruit me back.

The day after that he sent another message, saying that if I moved out my bed (which I gave away to one of the other roommates), and changed the lock on my bedroom door back to the original unlockable doorknob, he'd refund my deposit.

I called the girls because obviously, they wouldn't want me giving the keys to him while they were still living there. I've called them twice but they haven't responded, and it's been days. I think that since they're moving, they don't want the bed, and are afraid to tell me.

My parents insist that we should go and get rid of the bed, change the doorknob, and leave him the keys this weekend to wash our hands of the matter.

I really, really would rather not go back, but I don't want him to call me again when the girls move out, or when his lease expires.

Hopefully he will be gone since this is a 3-day weekend, and my family can settle things in peace. I'm not going to bother making an appointment with him because I don't really believe he will give me any money, and I don't care anyway.

Drama Central

I'm going to be couch-surfing for the next month. I could not stay at my old apartment anymore. Odd Guy got too psycho, and I had an emergency move yesterday. My dad and boyfriend moved most of my belongings to my parents' house, and I'm staying with friends and the bare necessities.

There's a lot of gritty details, and I'm still digesting, but the major points are:

Odd Guy got progressively crazier this week, and more angry we didn't go along with his control freak plans. The last straw for me was when I caught him putting pubic hair on my towel on Thursday night to retaliate. I didn't confront him because I didn't want him to completely freak out and vandalize all my things before I moved out. I stayed with a friend Friday night.

On Saturday morning, I told him I was planning to move out with a friend. I tried to be casual, non-accusatory and "played dumb." I said, "I'd just rather live with a friend. You don't need to pro-rate January rent; just give me the deposit and I'll be gone, thanks."

He refused and said "I'll give you my answer tomorrow." I asked him, "Oh gee, does that mean you'll have the check tomorrow?" He kept repeating that he'll "answer" me tomorrow even though I was sure he was just trying to be a jerk and string me along. Eventually he freaked out and said a number of crazy things:

1. He'll never give me any money back.
2. I should have appreciated that he did me a "favor" by letting me move in, even though I was paying rent.
3. He figured out that I was a "conservative" (I think he meant selfish) person when I kept locking my bedroom door.
4. It's "his" apartment, and I didn't have the right to keep him out of my room.
5. If I was a decent person, I should have offered him extra money during the time in December when no one else had moved in.
6. It's "my fault" girls I never met or spoke to flaked out on moving in last quarter.
7. I can't complain about the 5 people living there because this week "doesn't count" due to a girl being gone for a number of days due to a family funeral.
8. He didn't break the contract by moving in 3 people without my consent. I agreed to rent the room, and never made him promise not to put 5 people in a 1 bedroom apartment. (Hmm, maybe because it's common sense?)
8. He wasn't afraid of me telling the apartment management about his illegal sublets because he's "there legally" so he's safe, but everyone else can get into trouble. (Obviously he doesn't understand how things work).

My fiance showed up, and Odd Guy yelled "I don't know you" and told him to get out because he was not renting there. He slammed the door on my fiance and locked it while I was inside with him. My fiance was afraid he was going to attack me, and told him he was going to call the police. Odd Guy told him to go ahead.

Can you see why I had to leave that day?

I doubt I will get my deposit back, but if it means I never hear from him again, it's worth it. At the moment, he's 100% wrong because he has my money and I don't owe him a dime. Legally, he doesn't have a leg to stand on, especially since he lied to everyone else and told them I was going to move in January anyway. The other roommates are understandably upset about the situation, and are also pessimistic that they will get their deposit back. I will not be surprised if they decide to flee the coop as well.

Unfortunately, Odd Guy has my parents' address because it was printed on my checks. If he contacts me again I think filing restraining order would be a good idea.

Shut Up Little Boy

Vote! Odd Guy has started throwing tantrums like a whiny brat because:
a) No one will go along with his bathroom schedule.
b) All the roommates ignore him.
c) He's a loser who's jealous that he has no friends.
d) All of the above.

The other night, when the new roommates had some friends over and everyone was socializing without him, Odd Guy sat in the living room with his laptop, watching videos at an unusually high volume. No one said anything to him, so he turned the volume up. Unable to get the attention he wanted, he increased the volume again. And again. And again until he was blasting heavy metal, which he never listens to.

No one said, "Please turn it down" so he finally gave up, turned off his computer, and went to sleep.

Just a few minutes ago, Odd Buy berated Male Roommate for having "too many friends over all the time," in the presence of one of these friends. Apparently, we're not allowed to have friends over because they're not renting, and thus using space, electricity, plumbing and other things they're not paying for.

Shut up you cheapo bastard! You live here for free, and turn a profit, and you're begrudging 50 cents of water and gas?

Or maybe you just can't stand that other people have the ability to make people like them.

Toilet Nazi

Odd Guy isn't just a greedy little bastard, he's a control freak.

Today, he asked to talk to me privately in my room. l left the door open and spoke loudly enough for the rest of the roommates to hear.

Odd Guy had a spreadsheet and said he wanted to schedule our bathroom times in half-hour blocks. He insisted it was necessary because we had 5 people in one apartment. (Who's fault is that?)

He wanted to institute several rules:
1. No one is allowed to shower in the morning.
2. You must only use your scheduled time in the morning.
3. If it's not your time you can't use the bathroom, even if it's empty, just in case the person who "owns" the time wants it.

Obviously, I was not enthusiastic about this idea.

He put himself down for 7 AM - 7:30 AM and asked me what time I needed. I said, "All of us need to talk about this together."

He said, "Yeah, I'll talk to everyone else afterwards."

I said, "We should all talk to everyone, because what if people want the same time?"

He responded with "Don't worry, you get to pick first." (I think he was trying to be "nice" because he sensed that I have the ability to lead a mutiny. I've used the past 24 hours to be my charming self and become super-chummy with the other roommates, especially in his presence. They invited me to dinner with them tonight, but left him out of the plans).

I left the bedroom and announced, "He wants to schedule our bathroom times." Everyone looked at him like he was a zoo creature.

He kept pointing to his spreadsheet and insisting what a good and necessary idea it was. We tried to explain calmly and rationally that 30 minutes is a really long time to camp out in the bathroom continuously. We are (mostly) reasonable people, and if someone yells "I have to brush my teeth and get to class in 10 minutes!" no one is going to insist on taking a long bath and waxing their legs at that moment. Also, if someone needs to take up the bathroom for 2 minutes just to pee, it's stupid to make them wait for "their time" just in case someone else needs it.

Odd Guy didn't believe us. He said, "You won't just take 2 minutes."

This morning, Odd Guy wasn't home, and the rest of us had no problem being courteous together and having things work out. However, cooperation is apparently foreign concept to Odd Guy. We finally got him to drop the topic (temporarily) by saying that this is the first week of class and not everyone's schedule is set. I suggested that since we did not have a problem this morning, there was a very good chance we would not have a problem in the future so severe we needed scheduling. If two people woke up one morning at the same time, and one was running very late, the two people could talk it out.

I'm sure Odd Guy is pissed at me right now for thwarting his control freak plans. The other roommates revealed to me that they had asked for my phone number prior to moving in, so they could talk to me, and he refused to give it to them. He also lied to them about how soon I am moving out, and said, "Don't worry, I can kick her out any time."

I definitely am not in love with living at the apartment, and would like to get out as soon as possible, but I still need to finish school. If Odd Guy tries to carry out his threat, I'll remind him that he wouldn't want the landlord to know about his unauthorized subletting scheme.

Sidenote: While talking to my sister about him, I referred to him as an ugly twisted gnome. My sister thinks I should call him Ugly Twisted Individual. Given his bathroom fixation, perhaps UTI is a fitting name.

(Really) Full House aka Freakin' Long Rant

At first I thought my roommate Odd Guy was just socially awkward and shy. I later revised that to weird. Then creepy.

Now I would like to state that he has no idea how normal people function.

I got back from my vacation today to find out that there are FIVE people sleeping in my apartment tonight. FIVE! SIX if Odd Guy shows up. I live in a one bedroom apartment as explained before. How the hell did this happen?

Before Christmas, Odd Guy was looking for a girl to replace the one that flaked. He asked for a copy of the key to my room so he could show it to people while I was gone. He didn't seem to understand why I refused. (The thought of him having access while I slept did not sit well with me). I told him to just let me know when people were coming, and I'd be present or leave my room unlocked.

Instead of asking me when I was available, or telling prospective tenants to call me to set up a time, he would make arrangements, then call me at the lab, saying, "Be here at ____ time today." I declined to leave work every time he snapped his fingers, so one day I decided to leave my room unlocked but the door closed, without telling him. The plan was to say, "Oh my room's open, tell her to go in and take a look" if he called again suddenly.

I received no call that day, but when I went home, I found him in my room.

With a flashlight.

WTF?

I can understand being curious enough to think, "Hey, I wonder what her room looks like" or "Gee, what's on her desk?" It's quite another thing to say, "On the off chance she forgot to lock her door, I'm going to try the doorknob. Oh good! Now, let me go out, get a flashlight from my desk, come back into her room, get down on my hands and knees and look under her bed, or in her underwear drawer."

He even moved around the items in my room. Although the bulk of my items were on "my half," I had some shopping bags, etc. on the other side since the other girl hadn't moved in. Odd Guy moved all those items back to my side. He also pushed a small bureau (that was technically on my half of the room) next to my desk, blocking off my chair. He even opened my closet, took out a box that was on "the other side" and moved it back to my side. He explained, "I don't want the other girl to come and think the room is not good."

She's not stupid! I'm sure she'll figure it out when I say, "Hey, I'll be cleaning up those 2 shopping bags and 1 box before you move in."

After that, I couldn't wait for Christmas vacation to start, and I would have several weeks free of him.

On New Year's Eve he called me, and hung up after the phone rang once. He then texted me, apparently preferring not to speak to a real person. He informed me that I needed to show up on New Year's Day to show the room to a girl.

I said no. He responded with "You should leave the room open while the room is for rent or you lend me the key." So you can rifle through my stuff while I'm gone? No.

On New Year's Day he texted me, letting me know that he found "someone" to rent the room.

I said ok.

The day after, he sent me some vital information he left out. "2 young and small" girls were moving in.

I called and demanded an explanation. Our 9 minute, repetitive conversation can be distilled down to:
Me: "What's going on?"
Odd Guy: "Everything's okay."
Me: "What do you mean two girls are moving in with me?"
OG: "It's okay. They're small people."
Me: "It doesn't matter how short they are! Our agreement was that I would share with one other girl."
OG: "It's okay. You still get half the room."
Me: "But there's two people!"
OG: "You still get half the room."
Me: "How much are they paying."
OG: "You still get half the room."
Me: "How can I have half the room when there's three people?"
OG: "The girls are sharing the other half."
Me: "But there are two girls bringing two beds and two desks and everything else they own.
OG: "You still get half."
Me: "How? Do they only have one bed."
OG: "Yes."
Me: "They're sharing one bed? Are they sisters?"
OG: "You have to understand me."
Me: "Are they related?"
OG: "They know each other."
Me: "How much are they paying?"
OG: "You have half the room."
etc.

As far as I understood at the time, the girls would take over the room completely once I left in mid-February. He rented to them because it would be hard for him to find someone else in the middle of the quarter once I left. I was not happy with the arrangement, but I resigned myself to it because I would be leaving soon, and I felt sorry for the other girls who were international students desperate for a place to live.

Today I came back to find that Odd Guy forgot to tell me that he had rented to an additional male, who was going to share the living room with him. On top of that, that other guy had a friend who was staying "temporarily." (Luckily, he's leaving tomorrow, after having stayed for several days). The girls are also not sharing one bed. They moved in their furniture, and our beds are lined up along one wall, with a tiny bit of room between each. I definitely do not have "half" the room.

In short, while I was away on vacation, Odd Guy interviewed and moved in 3 other people without my consent.

Luckily, the new roommates I met today are sociable and normal. (The flew into the country 5 days ago, and immediately went to look at apartments the next day, hence the haste). Thank goodness Odd Guy did not pick them because he thought they were kindred spirits. However, he's been less than honest with them as well. He told them I was "moving out at the end of the month" when he actuality my agreement is through mid-February.

The apartment is $900 and I'm paying $300. The other 3 new roommates told me they're paying $250 each. That means that Odd Guy is not only living rent-free, but making a profit of $150 a month running an illegal youth hostel.

According to the new people who moved in, he justifies this by saying that after the other roommates move out in June, he has to pay all $900 by himself until the lease ends in September. I'm sure he'll just rent to other people when we move out, and continue his little scheme.

He isn't home yet, so I have not seen him today, or had the chance to beat the pulp out of his skinny, short, ugly, pimply little dried shrimp-eating body.

Key Shenanigans

The engineer I live with seems to have book smarts, but not a lot of common sense.

The weekend I moved into my apartment Odd Guy was gone. He left me the key by hiding it on the balcony. My boyfriend had to hop the fence to get it.

A couple nights later I got a call from him asking if I was going to be around the next morning at 11:30 AM.

"Well, I was planning to go to campus, but why?"

"I don't have a key. I gave you mine."

His suggestion was for me to hide the key so he could let himself in.

"You want me to climb the fence with a bad knee, go to work, then hope you are around when I get back home tonight? Then we can repeat this tomorrow if you forget to make a copy again? No."

I told him I'd wait for him to show up, then we'd go make a copy of the key together. When he arrived, I got in his car, and he drove us to the local grocery store.

Then he said, "We can ask the people here where to make keys."

"Why don't you just go to the hardware store?"

Odd Guy didn't know where it was, so I gave him directions. We went into the store, and he immediately stood in line to pay at the cashier. I told him we had to go to the key grinder in the back of the store first, so he reluctantly followed me.

While the duplicate key was being made, he said he left his wallet in the car, but would pay me back.

I thought that was fine, but he then decided to do a bit of shopping in the store, while I was waiting, although he had no cash with him.

When we went to pay for the key and his coil of wire (which he said was going to be used to "make curtains") I pulled out a $20 bill. He took it from me and handed it to the cashier.

My friend's reaction when I told her was, "What? You don't get to pretend to be manly when you left your wallet in the car!"

Odd Guy then also pocketed the change the cashier handed over as I reached for it.

WTF? It took me a moment to realize that he thought it would be easier to just give me $20 later, instead of fumbling for the right number of coins, but couldn't he have said something? I was standing there thinking, "Wait, that's my money!"

He paid me back when we got into the car, but I've realized that he has a habit of performing actions without commentary, without realizing they require some sort of explanation.

Batty Nonsense

I and two other friends dressed as fancy bats for a Halloween ball. We wore black ballgowns and made caped wings and hats with bat ears.

There was a guy at the party who looked 15, but was probably much much older. He was wearing a black cape and a top hat with some non-costume clothing, so I assume he was trying to be a half-assed vampire. (There is a possibility he was simply a magician, but based on his behavior I don't think that was the case).

He spotted us sitting at a table eating sweets and came over to talk to us. I'm not sure if he had a speech impediment, or was trying to fake a foreign accent, but he made intense eye contact and muttered something about "creatures of the night." Instead of projecting an aura of suave mystery, he simply appeared to us as a weirdo mumbler because we could not comprehend any of his pick-up lines.

I think the poor fellow's thought process went something like this:

"OMG! Bats! Bat ladies! And I'm a vampire! This is my chance! I am going to be all cool and mysterious and be like, 'Hey chickies I'm your master!' "

"Okay okay, I'm standing next to them now. Stay cool man! Show an interest in their stuff. Chicks like that."

"Crap! They looked at me weird when I picked up their personal belongings from the table. Okay, note to self: Don't need to touch things to ask about them."

"Hmm, all right, that girl seems mad. I'm going to go around to the other side of the table and bother her friend. I'll try to keep my hands to myself this time."

"Why can't these girls understand what I'm saying? They keep giving me answers that have nothing to do with my questions! Don't they know how to decipher a fake Romanian accent?"

"Wait, who's that tall dude who's giving me dirty looks? Oh crap! Oh major crap! He's a boyfriend, I know it. Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

I felt sorry for him, so I pretended he was just asking for candy, and gave him some Smarties.

Creepo

I'm starting to think my boyfriend's new roommate is a serial killer, or at least someone with severe social phobia.

Silent Boy never speaks to us. When we enter the apartment we can hear him close his bedroom door to avoid us. He has his own bathroom, and keeps food in his room so he doesn't need to leave. Sometimes he's so quiet we don't know he's home. Often, my boyfriend doesn't see him for days. They communicate through notes and checks taped to the doors: "This month's electricity bill is $34.54."

We know he's avoiding us because if Silent Boy comes home while we are already present, he rushes past us and goes into his room without saying hello.

Should I be afraid?

Some People Never Learn

Remember the roommate who dumped her boyfriend because he was a philandering, alcoholic, compulsive gambler who threatened her?

They have rekindled their relationship.

I had trouble believing this until she started posting lovey-dovey pictures on Facebook again.

Ugh. Good luck dear.

Neighbors from Hell

My co-worker was very pleased the other day. She did a happy dance when her neighbors moved out.

She's African American, and lived next door to virulently racist white supremacists.

They lived in a house that was so run-down, part of the building was covered with plastic tarp to prevent rainwater from coming in. Because there was no air conditioning, and the ventilation was so poor (despite the gaping holes), during the summer the tenants camped in a tent in the backyard.

On top of that, the Neo-Nazis believed it was their "Christian duty" thing to invite homeless people to stay with them.

Their guests stayed in a rusty, non-mobile mobile home situated in their yard (which was visible from the street). They ran big tubes (presumably containing sewage) from the trailer into their house.

The health department even came to investigate them. Twice.

My co-worker is quite happy the house is being torn down now.

Medical Mystery

I had an appointment today, and I'm starting to think my doctor and her nurse find me weird.

I'm on medication that causes weight gain, but I'm losing weight instead. (I interpreted this to mean I should go out and buy a bag of Kit Kat bars. I'm eating one right now).

After the nurse gave me a shot, she stood there with a band-aid ready, and stared at my arm. A few seconds passed and she started to frown. "Huh, no blood." She then put the band-aid away.

I asked if I could have a band-aid anyway, maybe because I'm a hypochrondriac and I Have a Tiny HOLE in My Arm Now CAN'T YOU SEE!

Actually, no she couldn't. After I came home I pulled the band-aid off to peek at my wound. The prick was about 1 mm away from the edge of the band-aid pad.

Another Kit Kat bar will calm me down.

Lords and Ladies

The very first time my friends dragged me to a nightclub I decided two things:
1. I am not coming back here.
2. I am a freak magnet. (Like poor Ginger).

One of the first people I met was an individual who introduced himself as "Lord Dimitry." He admitted Dimitry was not his real name, but he thought it sounded cool. I suppose, if you are a naive little 14 year old who worshiped Ann Rice you could be excused for saying things like "I am Count Mordred and I am 400 years old! Wanna come back to my crypt of doom?" But one is supposed to outgrow this phase. Please, when you're balding (with greasy stringy hair) it's not cool, fun or attractive to tell strange girls to call you "Lord" anything. The genuinely spooky individuals are sniggering at you, Dimitry.

I spent the evening clinging to my friends like dryer lint on a screen, and using them as a human shield. It did not work.

The next person I "met" was particularly determined and shoved himself into our circle and extended his hand towards me. I found this rather rude. Really, if you want to talk to a girl, don't offend her by treating her friends like they don't exist. Furthermore, his appearance creeped me out. He had long hair and was wearing an androgynous blouse, and there was something unnatural about the color and texture of his skin. Perhaps he was simply rather pale, but I could not shake the feeling he was wearing foundation. I discussed this with my friends later and we could not decide whether he was an amateur transvestite, or just a really bad goth. I chose the former, because it sounded funnier.

He said, "Hi, I'm Amateur Tranny. What's your name?"

I looked at his hand, then looked at him, and said, "I don't touch." I then gave him the look that normally makes people flee in terror. However, I underestimated his ability to see the silver lining in every cloud.

Amateur Tranny smiled and said, "Oh! Do you like girls?"

I wasn't sure what this meant:
1. "I'm a straight guy but it'll protect my ego if I assume you're rejecting me because you're a lesbian."
2. "I'm a stereotypical straight man who likes imagining lesbians doing lesbian things. Please say you like girls because it'll turn me on."
3. "I'm a tranny! Love me! Me!"

I weighed my options and said, with as straight a face as I could muster at the moment, "I'm a misanthrope."

This was not the response he was looking for. He said "oh" with a surprised look, then turned away. I sighed with relief and had no more awkward encounters with him, except for when I stumbled upon him sitting on the staircase with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

This was also the same night a couple approached me for a threesome.

Should I be flattered or creeped out that both men and women (and those in between) find me attractive?

And FYI, not that it should matter: I was wearing an ankle-length skirt, a baggy blouse and a coat I dared not remove the entire evening. Perhaps this was misinterpreted as "Oooh, I'm mysterious. Come hit on me."

Greek House

My co-worker Jane used to share an apartment with 5-6 Greek men who were recent immigrants to the US. All of them (and their friends) were extremely comfortable with their bodies, and spent much of their time in the nude.

Jane described living in that apartment as, "It was like being on the set of Caligula."

It was not unusual for Jane to come home and find about a dozen naked, or near-naked men in the living room, chain-smoking cigarettes. Because of this, if she brought her own friends over, she would enter the apartment first to "do a naked check."

One day, during a naked check she ran into Stavros, who asked, "What are you doing?" Jane explained she had a friend outside the door, and she wanted to make sure there were no nude men wandering about.

Stavros was appalled. "Why don't she want to see me naked?"

He was genuinely offended. "I look good naked." He could not understand that some people did not like to look at his naughty bits.

However, the men were very nice, and they did occasionally put on clothes. At night, they greased up their hair, donned cowboy boots, put on garishly neon clothing that exposed their chest hair, and went clubbing. Jane told me they looked like "radioactive gay cowboys."

Mummy Man

I have a friend that works in a coroner's office. One of the bodies that recently came in was a man who died in his chair at home, and was not discovered for 6 months.

They know he died during the winter, since there were two heat lamps aimed towards him, which dessicated his body.

His power didn't get shut off because he had own propane-powered generator. Apparently, he was a very reclusive individual, hell-bent on self-reliance, because his propane tank had enough gas to run two heat lamps 24 hours a day for half a year.

He was finally discovered, not by family, but by someone who came to serve him papers because he hadn't paid his mortgage. (I don't think the process server realized finding dead bodies was part of the job description).

I think the moral of the story is if you don't have any friends that will miss you if you disappear for 6 months, have some method of preserving your body. I hear heat lamps are excellent for making human jerky.

I Smell Desperation

A friend of mine is looking for a place to live, and answered a Craigslist "roommate wanted" ad. When she emailed the guy who made the post, he replied that the room was already taken, but he wasn't.

He asked her out on a date.

How sleazy do you have to be to ask out a complete stranger, that you know nothing about, just because you found out she was female?

Perhaps I have a very low opinion of humanity, but I think there's a chance there was no room to begin with, and this loser thought he had a "clever" way to meet women.