Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Friday, June 27, 2008

"Clever" Evaluations

As part of my job for the educational nonprofit, I score evaluations from students that use our services.

Part of the form asks them to indicate their gender and race. Some kids apparently don't know what "Caucasian" means, and write down "White" in the line reserved for "Other." One student emphatically wrote "Indian. We are NOT Asian!"

Some try to be clever and fill in the blank with "Alien-robo-pirate," "Mongo," "Martian" and "Irish Wookie." (Yes, these are real examples I have seen).

One particularly cheeky child wrote this note in the "Additional Comments" section recently:

"My teacher says your materials are ridiculously expensive. Also, we are the fertile minds of your future profits. =) Do you enjoy your job, by the way? Reading evaluations all day. How much do you get paid for it? Call me babe. 1-900-888-6969."

Definitely a fertile mind there.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Do I Have a Dirty Mind?

On the bus, I caught snippets of two men talking about "your tranny" and "hard on."

I finally realized they were referring to a car's transmission as a "tranny," and discussing certain driving behaviors that wore out your car's transmission.

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Um, Not Sure You Get It . . .

Overheard on the bus, about 8:30 AM:

Guy: "Where are you going?"
Girl: "Physics class. I failed it so I have to take it over the summer."
Guy: "Oh that sucks."
Girl: "The lecture started at 8, but I already took the class so I know the stuff, you know?"

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Saturday, June 21, 2008

Home Invasion Part 2

Dear Little Deceased Animal,

Thanks to you, I learned two things.

1. It costs $165 to hire a man to hunt around in your attic for a furry corpse.
2. You are one tough little bugger.

Two days after I smelled your presence, I finally got someone to search for you. The exterminator said there were was a trap in the attic with blood and fur on it.

After being mortally wounded, you managed to claw your way out of the rat trap and escape into a hiding place.

You were so good at burrowing into the walls, the exterminator couldn't find you.

He had to tell me, "Don't worry, the smell goes away when it finishes decomposing."

Most impressive, Little Deceased Animal.

The Tenant

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Flaky Town

I have my internet back now.

Yes, my roommate forgot to pay the bill AGAIN and it got cut off.

Now I can post the belated part two of the rodent story.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Done . . . Almost

Final exams are over! I have finished the last classes required for my degree. Yippee! I still have to finish my project and write my thesis, but soon I can finish the tardy conclusion to the little dead animal story, and regale you with more horrifying tales.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Home Invasion

Dear Little Deceased Animal,

As a wild creature, I cannot fathom why you felt the need to run away from the lovely outdoors, and break into my house while I was away, but I appreciate the effort it took to use your sharp little teeth and claws to chew your way in.

I am also touched that you decided my home would make a wonderful final resting place for your little bloated corpse. Instead of dying in the wild, you decided that a suburban attic would be more befitting.

I think it was also quite considerate of you to pick a 94 degree day to die. I woke up this morning, thinking it was going to be an ordinary day in my ordinary-smelling house, but when I came home from school you had perfumed the air with the reek of death.

Perhaps you didn't intend it, but I couldn't help but notice that special touch: I came home later than usual today, after the pest control people had already stopped answering their phones. Also, I had a guest over.

Therefore, as I try to sleep tonight, I will dream of you, little dead animal, and feel ambivalent about whether I am glad or not that you're dead.

With Appropriate Affection,

The Tenant

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Sunday, June 08, 2008

One Down, Two to Go

I attended Wedding #1 (out of 3 this summer) yesterday. It was a wonderful, beautiful event and the bride was completely sane and calm.

During the outdoor event, an insect landed on her gown and without thinking, she swatted at it. Then she realized she now had a bug-shaped stain on her dress.

Instead of freaking out, she said, "Crap. Oh well. I t's okay."

I like going to weddings with reasonable people.


Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I Smell Desperation

A friend of mine is looking for a place to live, and answered a Craigslist "roommate wanted" ad. When she emailed the guy who made the post, he replied that the room was already taken, but he wasn't.

He asked her out on a date.

How sleazy do you have to be to ask out a complete stranger, that you know nothing about, just because you found out she was female?

Perhaps I have a very low opinion of humanity, but I think there's a chance there was no room to begin with, and this loser thought he had a "clever" way to meet women.

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