Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Barfight Sarah

My co-worker, who enjoys regaling us with tales of her "redneck" family, has a cousin whose nickname is "Barfight Sarah."

Her nose was broken during a tavern brawl, but she was too drunk to go to the hospital and have it set. Her nose healed in a crooked shape, and she had to get plastic surgery to fix it.

Barfight Sarah is currently pregnant with her second child during her first year of marriage to a much younger man that the family suspects is a drug dealer.

Kids, this is why you shouldn't drink.

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Parent to Child: " No, you can't have that. It has chocolate in it, which has sugar in it, which makes you crazy, which makes Daddy crazy."


Friday, June 19, 2009

Whistle While You Work

I've been very busy the past two weeks working at my new job! I'm starting at a very interesting time.

Next week the lab is being audited. The managers and supervisors are running around, making sure everyone has their paperwork up-to-date. Some of the training manuals and miscellaneous documentation that new employees take weeks or months to do, I need to do immediately.

One of the supervisors calls me the "miracle child." Due to budget problems, lots of positions got cut - right after I got hired. The student workers got laid off 5 days after I started working.

It's a scary, but exciting time.


Thursday, June 04, 2009

Psych Experiment

A friend of mine has a very odd younger brother. At her birthday party he proudly told us about the psychological experiments he was conducting in public restrooms. Mainly, Pee Boy wanted to make people uncomfortable.

Experiment 1: The Wide Stance
Pee Boy spread his legs far enough to brush against the man in the next stall. Each time, the man would move away. PB would spread his legs further and further until the subject was urinating with his own feet together, to avoid touching him.

Experiment 2: Satisfaction
PB stood at a urinal, sighing like a person who was very relieved to finally use the bathroom. His sighs of content would get louder and louder, until any men who entered the bathroom was unnerved enough by his behavior that they not only refused to use the urinal next to him, but any urinal at all. PB said a small herd of men eventually gathered in the far corner of the bathroom, waiting for their turn, despite the many urinals available.

Experiment 3: Personal Interaction
Men have an unspoken rule about urinal use. Unless there is no choice, one must not select the urinal next to one already in use. Pee Boy broke this rule. In addition, he broke the second unspoken rule about keeping his eyes straight ahead, and the third unspoken rule about not starting conversations. PB stood at a urinal next to a man, turned to him and said "Nice."

The man freaked out, stopped urinating mid-stream, and fled into a stall.

I'm surprised no one beat up Pee Boy.


Monday, June 01, 2009


A peek into the type of weird conversations I have with my fiance:

Fiance: "I wonder what color a Smurf would turn if you strangled it."
Me: "Before or after it starts to rot?"
Fiance: "Before of course."
Me: "Are we assuming that it has a hemoglobin-based circulatory system?"
Fiance: "I hypothesize that Smurfs have an open circulatory system. Their round, ill-defined appendages suggest the pooling of a fluid I call 'smurfolymph' within."
Me: "In that case I don't think they'd change color until the smurfolymph began to oxidize."

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