Stupid Arguments

I witnessed a man and a woman debating the merits of holes of different sizes. (I have no idea how this started). The woman was in favor of small holes while the man preferred large ones.

Woman: "Yeah but large holes are like pot holes. It isn't cool to be driving and have your car go off the road because of some big ass hole in front of you."

Man: "Hahaha. And tiger holes, don't they have spikes on the bottom?"

Woman: "There's a low probability you'll step into a gopher hole but if you do you'll sprain your ankle."

Man: "Then you'd have to be put to sleep."

They both laughed and then discussed snake pits.

Stalker Bus

Hey Guys, this is a bad way to pick up a girl:

On the bus I saw a man asking a female passenger miscellaneous questions about her life, and telling her about his. She was obviously bored, and trying to give him brief replies such as, "I guess" and "you know."

As the bus neared its destination the guy decided to take a leap. He said, "So, do you have any stalkers?" (Translation, "I could fill that gap in your life.")

She looked at him like he had tentacles sprouting out of his ears. "What?"

He clarified. "Any romantic prospects?"

She told him no and got off the bus.

Overheard

Parent to Child: " No, you can't have that. It has chocolate in it, which has sugar in it, which makes you crazy, which makes Daddy crazy."

Overheard

College-aged female on phone:

"You need to take me into consideration. I hate Boston! It's cold. It's all white. I thought if I lived there a while I'd like it. But I don't! You need to take me into consideration. I take you into consideration. I go shopping with you!"

For some reason this reminds of a quote from a documentary called "Born Rich."

Interviewer: "Would you ever fall in love with a poor man?"
Socialite: "Yeah, I guess. But he'd have to understand I really like shopping."

Overheard in a Store

Father to small boy running amuck: "If you break anything we have to leave you here."

Yet Another One

I went to 4 weddings this year, and I've lost track of the number of engagements among my circle. There's 5? 6 now? I'm not sure.

A 7th? couple just announced their engagement. I hope I have a job next year that can pay for all the presents. Luckily I already have enough dresses and and shoes from this year.

Meanwhile, there will probably be an increase in the number of wedding-related horror stories. For example, someone I'll arbitrarily refer to as Bride5 recently told me about the other really unhappy people she encountered while buying her own dress.

At the shop Bride5 witnessed another bride burst into tears because nothing in the store suited her. She was a large woman, and the salespeople brought her nothing but huge fluffy 80s monstrosities that made her look even larger.

At the same store, Bride5 overheard another bride telling the saleslady "I want this dress to still fit at my wedding." The saleslady said, "Oh lots of brides are worried about weight changes but we can alter the dress closer to the ceremony."

The bride said, "No, I'm 3 months pregnant!" (So she was looking for a magical growing dress).

The saleslady tried to be upbeat. "Oh, after I had my child I fit back into all of my old clothes in 3 months."

The response was, "Oh you did did you? Well then **** you!"

I think weddings stress people out.

Scapel License

Overheard:

Idiot 1: "It's so not fair that it's so hard to get into med school!"

Idiot 2: "I know! There are probably lots of people that really want to go but can't get in because they have bad grades."

Idiot 1: "Yeah, like there are people I've met that maybe aren't that smart, but they're really caring and I think they would still make good doctors."

Idiot 2: "It's just as important to have a really nice personality. I wish those people got a chance, too."


No thank you. If you failed biology I don't want you operating on me.

Sorry J. M. Barrie

Overheard on the bus (during a conversation between two women in their 20s):

"I'm reading Peter Pan right now. It's really different from the Disney movie. There's all this stuff about Peter Pan being a baby, and not wanting to grow up. Did you know, the guy who wrote Peter Pan was a dwarf?"

"Oh, like those primordial dwarfs?"

"Yeah, the ones that only grow to 3 feet tall? I bet that's why he wrote Peter Pan. Because he couldn't grow up himself."

"Wow."

(I bet she thinks Mark Twain was a pro wrestler, too).

Wolves and Sheep

Listening to men talk in groups can be disturbingly vulgar, but fascinating from an anthropological point of view.

I recently overheard this gem from a group of men talking about a non-present friend, who was "chasing a chunky chick" he picked up at a bar.

Man 1: "He really needed a wingman, you know? When you got a wingman to help you out the wolves can be more selective with the sheep."
Man 2: "Shut up. You're sounding all philosophical and shit."
Man 1: "It ain't philosophical. It's all about picking out the sheep that's limping. Or the one that's gotten too fat to run with the herd."
Man 3: "Haha. Too fat to run is right in this case."

The same group of men, with a different conversation about assertiveness rubbing off on you:

Man 1: "I got more balls since I started living with my wife."
Man 3: "Maybe she gave you hers."
Man 1: "Says the guy who takes it up the ass!"
Man 3: "I still got balls."
Man 1: "Yeah, the ones that touch your ass."
Man 2: "Or the ones that touch your chin! Haha!"

I will never quite understand the other half of my species.

Do I Have a Dirty Mind?

On the bus, I caught snippets of two men talking about "your tranny" and "hard on."

I finally realized they were referring to a car's transmission as a "tranny," and discussing certain driving behaviors that wore out your car's transmission.

Um, Not Sure You Get It . . .

Overheard on the bus, about 8:30 AM:

Guy: "Where are you going?"
Girl: "Physics class. I failed it so I have to take it over the summer."
Guy: "Oh that sucks."
Girl: "The lecture started at 8, but I already took the class so I know the stuff, you know?"

Overheard on the Bus

College-age female: "He bought me a car. It's a Ford Taurus. It's white. Yeah, we should tint the windows and make it a Mafia car."

Sisterhood Can Be Transferred

I heard something on the bus today that could be quite sinister when taken out of context.

Girl leaving someone a voice message: "Hi ____, I'm calling to talk to you about you giving your little sis(ter) to ____. We're all part of the same family, but we don't want her line to die."

They were discussing sorority business.

Engineers on the Bus

I was on the bus (yes that happens a lot) and I sat near 3 men, all of them engineers. One was "fixing" a retractable pen using a large Leatherman pocket knife.

His cohort, who had slightly more common sense, asked, "Is that safe? If the bus were to crash you'd lurch forward and stab Terry."

The man with the knife replied, "I'd never stab Terry. I'd stab myself first." Then he continued shaving little pieces of plastic off the pen as the bus rattled down the highway.

(If you're curious, during the rest of the 20 minute ride their conversation jumped between varied topics such as eigenvalues, solving matrices, how to spot a future engineer in elementary school by his proclivity towards pen disassembly, and how "crusty" umbilical cords give them "the willies," although changing diapers are okay).

Overheard on the Bus

Overly Excitable Woman: "So I hear you're getting married to Sherri."

Calm Groom: "Yes, we're getting married."

OEW: "Oh my god, that's great! I love Sherri! She's such a sweetheart! You're going to be so happy! Sherri's a great gal! She's wonderful! I love Sherri! Oh my god!"

CG: "Yes, it's the most stress-free relationship I've ever been in."

OEW: "She's great isn't she? I love her! Well, obviously in a less carnal way than you, but yeah! I love Sherri! She's wonderful! It's great you're getting married!"

CG: "Yes."

OEW: "So do you like her kids?"

CG: "I haven't met them yet."

OEW: "What? That's not right."

CG: "Well, they're in L.A."

OEW: "No, they're not. They live with her."

CG: "No, they don't."

(pause)

OEW: "Are we talking about the same Sherri?"

CG: "I don't think so."

Overheard on the Bus

I was sitting on the bus today when a nearby bicyclist (who was riding on the sidewalk) pushed aside a pedestrian who was apparently walking too slowly, or in his way.

The bus driver began screaming, "Did you see that? That guy on the bike! Did you see that guy? He pushed that girl on the sidewalk! I wish I could run him over! If that was my sister I'd give him a beat down!"

He then began a long string of what I assume were Spanish curse words.