Don't Mess With Mom

It's Mother's Day today, and I would like to give you a small glimpse of why growing up with my Mom was both terrifying and awesome.

Normal mothers kill crabs by boiling them.

My Mom would rip off the crab's leg, then use it to stab it to death. She would push the pointy tip of the leg through the wound she just created.

That's equivalent to a Wookie ripping off your arm and beating you to death with it.

Happy Mother's Day!

Boy or Girl?

A random memory from elementary school:

On the first day of first grade the teacher allowed the students to sit where they wanted. The classroom was arranged in tables with 4 chairs each. Since we were still at the age where the opposite sex had "cooties" all the students automatically sorted themselves by gender.

After everyone sat down the teacher said, "Oh look. All the girls are sitting at tables with other girls, and all the boys are sitting at tables with other boys."

Then she noticed one child who seemed out of place. "Oh except for you!" she said to a long-haired child sitting at a table of boys.

The child mumbled something shyly. The teacher looked confused. "What? Wait, are you a boy or girl?"

He responded that he was a boy.

"Oh I thought you were a girl."

The poor kid was screwed from day one.

Owoopok

Many of you probably grew up with a fear of the Bogeyman.

This is because your parents didn't have enough imagination to traumatize you properly.

My grandmother made up a creature she called the "Owoopok" who stole naughty children and sold them into slavery. If we misbehaved he would show up with his sack and stuff us in it.

What made this story really terrifying was how plausible she made it. She told me that during the day the Owoopok disguised himself as a homeless man with red eyes, who panhandled on a particular street in her neighborhood, while wrapped in a blanket.

I have no doubt that she chose a real homeless man with bloodshot eyes, who carried his belongings in a bag (that looked just like it might be large enough to contain children).

All I had to do to confirm her story was go to visit the bakery where he dug in the dumpsters for breakfast, and thus add another layer of terror to my childhood.

My grandmother was a very clever woman.

Overheard in a Store

Father to small boy running amuck: "If you break anything we have to leave you here."

Smurf-Related Trauma

Many people have fond memories of childhood cartoons. I am no exception. However, I must say that my memories related to the Smurfs are less than fond.

1. There was an episode of the Smurfs where time was broken, and they shifted between night and day every few seconds. To convey this, the television screen continually flashed between light and dark. My mother saw me watching this and thought that the TV was broken. I could not convince her it was part of the show, and my dear friend Television was tossed out. (FYI, it was one of those ridiculously heavy ones that were built into ornate cabinets. I think they were popular in the 80s). The warm, comforting glow of my giant buddy was snatched from me due to an episode of the Smurfs.

2. When I was 4 or 5 years old I had a nightmare in which the entire Smurf village ganged up to assault me. Cook Smurf was particularly violent and resorted to throwing pots and pans at my head. I've woken up screaming before, but I think that was the only time I've ever woken up screaming and crying loudly enough to merit adult intervention.

You may proceed to mock me cruelly now.