Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Thursday, May 31, 2007

An Alternate Use for Bras

The most important thing my high school chemistry teacher taught me was to wear sunblock. She was a fitness nut who ran to school everyday in lieu of driving. She had leathery, patchy skin that made her look at least 10 years older than she really was.

However, the most memorable thing about my teacher was that each day she came to school wearing running shorts and a sports bra with a CD player shoved down the front.

Yes, inside the bra. Next to her . . . um, skin.

Sure, this was in ye olden days before iPods and other compact music players but for the love of milk and cheese, was there really no better place to put a 6-inch wide piece of electronic equipment than down the front of a brightly colored spandex bra?

So now you know, your sports bra can double as a music sling.

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Really Bad Pie

Once someone baked me a pie, which was a very nice gesture, but it tasted absolutely awful.

Luckily, when he presented me with the pie he forgot to bring forks. Therefore, I did not have to pretend to enjoy it in front of him. Instead, I took the pie home and was privately horrified at how something could taste that bad.

Parts of it were cooked while large portions still had raw dough. On top of that, there was a strange, sour, yeasty taste to it. To this day I am not sure what flavor the pie was supposed to be. When I asked him he said, "It's called magic pie."

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Friday, May 25, 2007

Yoda gets Hyphy

I think this wins for the strangest wireless network name I've ever encountered: "Yoda gets Hyphy."

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Kidney Stones

My mother sometimes had unusual, but effective, parenting techniques. When I was a child, she showed me my dad's kidney stones.

"Okay, you see this stuff that looks like big grains of sand in your dad's pee? That's what happens when you don't drink enough water. Imagine how painful it is to pee rocks."

As an adult, people have commented about how much water I drink.

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Monday, May 21, 2007

A Date at the Morgue

Someone whose father was a forensic pathologist told me that once upon a time his dad took his mom to his workplace.

Where she watched him perform an autopsy. On their first date.

Call me an old-fashioned girl, but I think anything involving dead naked people should wait until at least the third date.

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Painful Underpinnings (A Minor Rant about Corsets)

Just because you're wearing cheap lingerie as outerwear does not mean you're sexy. If you're wearing an expensive corset the wrong way you are not sexy either.

If I see these you are doing something wrong.

1. Back cleavage. If you've laced yourself in tightly enough to sprout new boobs on your back, you should be wearing a chemise. At the very least your corset should have a modesty panel (right under the criss-cross laces).

2. Saggy boobs. The rule about not wearing a bra with a corset does not apply if you are wearing an underbust corset or waist cincher. You still need support for the girls on top if you are more than an A cup. I have seen, on more than one occasion, people with large breasts exhibit significant flop overlapping the tops of their corsets by 3 inches or more. This is not attractive in the least. When you move they sway and yell to innocent bystanders, "I'm losing the fight with gravity!" Plus, doesn't it chafe?

3. Breasts cut in half. Some corsets have demi-cups that can be flattering when they lay correctly. Demi-cups are not an invitation to cinch the top of the corset so tightly you look like you're using the lack of circulation to do a crude amputation of your lower boob.

I was at a party where a woman was wearing such a concotion under a sweater. After she left the girls said, "Oh my god! Did you see the corset she was wearing?"

A guy said, "She was wearing a corset? I thought she was just lumpy."

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

Unusual Uses for Play-Doh

My friend "Moe" was in the toy section of his local Walgreens when a woman asked him, "Excuse me, what type of Play-doh would you recommend?"

"Um," he said, "depends on what you're using it for."

"I'm making little figures of people."

"I'm not sure. I guess any kind is fine."

She then struck up a conversation with him and found out he was a history major in college. She then explained her own fascination with history, especially that pertaining to Louisiana and Marie Laveau.

As she rambled on, Moe realized she was going to use the Play-Doh to make voodoo dolls. However, being too polite to extricate himself, he continued listening, with a growing sense of unease.

Eventually, she said, "Hey, I have a daughter your age. Maybe you two could have lunch."

When he demurred, she gave him a flirty look and said, "I know what spell I'm going to cast when I get home."

Personally, I wouldn't be too worried. If she's getting voodoo supplies at Walgreens I doubt she's much of a witch.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

Play-Doh Perfume

This was released last year, but this is the first I've heard of it. It seems fun, but a little creepy at the same time. Can you imagine meeting a grown man wearing Play-Doh cologne? "Wow, you smell great . . . like a 5-year-old."

From the description on a site selling the spray:

[Those fresh-from-the-can, full-of-potential, childhood memories... Now in a convenient spray!

This Limited Edition Cologne was created to celebrate the 50th Birthday of Play-Doh! Hasbro said the fragrance is "meant for highly-creative people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood."

Close your eyes and you're back in kindergarten all over again! It's amazing how the scent of Play-Doh can take you to another time and place.]


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Holding It In

An example of how not to be helpful:

On a long road trip through the desert, miles of highway in both directions, no bathroom in sight, I had to go.

I have a small bladder and generally frequent the facilities once an hour.

It had been 2.5 hours and I was trapped on a bus.

I was desperate.

My father said, "It'll be all right as long as you don't think about having to go to the bathroom."

I grumbled.

"Really, don't think about it."

Several minutes later he reminded me, "Don't think about having to go to the bathroom."

A little while later he decided to be helpful once again. "Remember, don't think about it."

He didn't seem to understand that saying "Don't think about peeing!" has the opposite effect.

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