The Power of Marketing

My boss spent time in Ethiopia, where some of the citizens gave themselves English names, in addition to their ethnic birth names. However, due to the fact that English was not their first language, they had trouble distinguishing between names for people, and names for things.

My boss met a woman who introduced herself by saying, "Hi, you can call me Pepsi!"

I think she'd get along quite well with the little girl named Diot Coke.

Blue Man Group Shenanigans

Earlier in the year I was invited to see the Blue Man Group's How to Be a Megastar show. (If you haven't seen the show I highly recommend it. I cannot accurately describe its fantasticness in mere words).

My friend Karen knew one of the tech guys for the show, and he offered to get us complimentary tickets. My thoughts were, "Really? But the show's sold out, right? Whhhhheeee! Wheeeeeee! Squeeeee!"

I would have been happy with any seat, even seats in the nosebleed section, so when we picked up tickets at Will Call that were printed "Floor 3" I had absolutely no problem with this.

However, once inside the arena, the ushers directed us to really prime seats in the front. "Floor 3" didn't mean seats on the third level. It meant seats on the floor, next to the stage, in section 3! My reaction was "Wheeee! I wouldn't have been able to afford an $86 ticket. Wheeee! Wait, we won't get food thrown on us right? Wooooooo!"

But here's the really really fun part: We had backstage passes! I've never had one of those, so I wasn't sure how they worked. I assumed a large group of the audience would be herded into a back room to watch the performers be interviewed by the press, or something.

However, we actually got to meet, take pictures with, and get autographs from the Blue Man Group and their back-up band and vocalists. Everyone was very friendly for people who were probably exhausted and dying to take a shower.

Wheeeeee!

The Blue Man Group remained in character throughout the meet and greet. They were completely silent and did not sign names. Instead, they smudged blue greasepaint onto papers as their "autographs." (One Blue Man kissed my paper and gave me lovely blue lip prints). They also blessed a bald fan by putting a blue palmprint on his head.

The backstage activities lasted about 20 minutes, and then the performers and audience left. However, since my friend Karen knew the tech guy, he took us to the tourbus area.

I wonder if anyone who saw us heading towards the back thought, "Those are some weird, non-skanky-looking groupies there." (We heard rumors that the show was sometimes messy, so I wore comfy jeans, beat-up tennis shoes, a turtleneck and a windbreaker).

Mr. Tech took us to the bus he shared with 8 other tech guys. "Welcome to the coffin box."

It was a very nice RV with marble counters, leather couches and DVD screens in all the bunk beds, but it was still very cramped for 6 months on the road. He told us that since it was a male tech bus, they actually had a subscription to the Playboy channel. You could find out who was hiding in his bunk by turning off the main TV, which was connected to the smaller bunk screens. The way to get a guy out of his bunk was to cut off the Playboy access.

There was a very small toilet in the RV. The tech guy warned us, "You can go number 1 in there, but we're not allowed to go number 2."

What?

"Yeah, the toilet isn't designed for that. If we have to go, we have to hold it until the next stop."

Ew.

Still, it was a fabulous evening, and definitely a great experience!

Kid for a Day

Happy 4th of July!

My workplace had an early celebration yesterday, with a picnic in the park. We decided to recreate our childhoods by going down slides, hanging on monkey bars and having a very vicious water balloon fight.

Instead of little, fist-sized water balloons, we used regular balloons. This meant we could make enormous melon and eggplant-shaped bombs of doom. Due to the thickness of the latex, a lot of the balloons did not explode on impact. Instead, they provided a painfully large smack before bouncing off. (This meant intended victims would scramble to get the lost balloon, and try to return the favor).

At one point the fight moved off the grass onto the basketball court. A girl tripped on a balloon that was aimed at her feet and scraped her knee. Two other people somehow managed to cut themselves on the water fountain while filling balloons.

3 people were bleeding by the time we were done.

Afterwards, we behaved like responsible adults and picked up all the broken balloon fragments and put them in the trash.

However, everyone regressed again when it was time to light the barbecue grill. People were entranced by the fire, and started feeding paper plates, receipts from our wallets, sticks from the playground and dinner napkins into the charcoal pit.

One staff member asked, "How many degrees does it take to light a fire?"

The answer is 2 bachelor's, 3 master's and a PhD. (Plus a few more degrees as silent observers).

I found it rather funny that the same men who signed up to bring sodas, forks and chips (to avoid cooking) insisted on "manning" the grill. Everyone else was nervous though. Several people said, "John's cooking the burgers? Um, I think I'll have a hot dog. Those are pre-cooked right?"

My burger patty was warm (not hot) straight off the grill, so I made them cook it again.

In the end, it was a very fun day, and no one died from food poisoning.

Geek Fun With Condiments

Do you dream of a Jetsons-like future, where your meals are served to you by robotic servants?

Now you can be one step closer, with the STAR WARS R2-D2 Soy Sauce Bottle!

Just fill your trusty little robot with delicious flavor, and give him a little squeeze.

Yes, this is a real product you can buy. From the Strapya-World.com description:

"Ever dreamed to go space journy with your R2?? Unfortunately, such a dream can't be true at the moment. But now this tiny R2D2 can serve you Soy Sauce by your one-hand little move, leaning the R2 body a little to put appropriate Soy Sauce on Chinese or Japanese fried rice."

How can you resist the earnest little suggestion they make? "Let's Pre-order today and buy Kikkoman while waiting ;)"

Let's get our "one-hand little move" ready!

No, Not That Kind!

My friend Karen and I were visiting her friend Adam, who lived with a big group of guys. While the three of us were sitting around chatting, one of Adam's roommates came in and yelled, "Hooters!"

Then he realized there were females present, and became mortified.

"Uh, I didn't mean you! I meant the food!" (He pointed to some take-out containers from a Hooters Restaurant).

"Yeah," he continued, "we're not that crass. It's not like we see girls and yell hooters, you know? Sorry."

He then hastily left the room with his chicken.

Mini Me

The other night I was taken to a party, hosted by a very interesting woman. As the shindig continued on into the wee hours of the morning, the hostess changed into pajamas that were printed with lawn gnomes in red pointy hats.

When I complimented her on the pjs she told me "I have a dwarf that's willing to dress up as a miniature of me, but isn't here tonight."

She looked completely serious and sober as she said this.

I thought her "dwarf" could be a child or pet (but not a doll or some other inanimate object) since "willing to dress up" implies sentience. Later, I remembered Diego Velazquez's "Les Meninas" and realized there's also a possibility she's recreating the old European royal custom of court dwarfs.

Either way, I still don't know if she was joking. She told me enough colorful stories (owning 110 pairs of shoes and being stalked by a foot fetishist, breaking her leg on a dance floor and being envied by a gay man when her paramedic was hot, partying with her retinue of hairdressers, etc.) that I'm not completely convinced having a Mini Me is something she wouldn't do.

Emu on the Loose

A co-worker of mine was missing from work for a day. When she returned she told us she was gone because she "was chasing an emu."

We stared at her for a moment, wondering if this was the grown-up version of "my dog ate my homework."

It turns out she was serious. She really did own an emu.

Emu-Hunter received a phone call from her neighbor, who told her the emu was wandering around, unfettered. She went outside with some food, and tried to lure the emu back. Instead, it ran across the road (insert bad joke here) and escaped into a large field. It ran around the field, afraid to cross the road again.

Emu-Hunter and her housemate decided to chase it down with a 4-wheeler. The housemate drove, while Emu-Hunter held on for dear life, and waved a stick with a loop, trying to lasso the emu. Unfortunately, the 4-wheeler had a top speed of 28 mph, while the emu was able to run at about 30 mph.

Needless to say, the emu escaped, so they called animal control.

Later that afternoon, Emu Hunter got a call, telling her the emu was spotted 3 miles away from home. It had wandered onto the property of a woman who was bird-phobic, and the poor lady nearly had a nervous breakdown when she found a giant human-sized bird in her yard.

This time, Emu-Hunter and her housemate were able to catch the emu, put a sock over its head (to calm it down I suppose), and herd it into the back of a truck.

I hope the emu learned a lesson. Whenever it escapes, its owner will put a dirty sock over its head, after chasing the emu in the aforementioned sock.

Scrabble Confession

I have a confession to make. I helped my sister cheat at Scrabble. She was playing against someone else online, and I was giving her vocabulary help.

One of my suggestions was ghee (Indian clarified butter). After my sister used it the other player sent her an instant message yelling, "What the hell is a GHEE?"

After she explained, she taunted him with "Ghee ghee gheeee! Mmmm, creamy points."

Today, she left him a message that said, "yum yum . . creamy victory. . OH so clarified!"

I've created a monster.

Wrestling Magazines

My boss is not very good at buying presents. (Some poorly-received past gifts have included lime green and pink oven mitts for her daughter's male friend, orange socks with pockets for her husband, a "Best of Korn" album for her 30-year-old son to listen to during a roadtrip, a cardboard school bus filled with peach tea for her daughter-in-law, and a fabric-covered wallet printed with playing cards and poker chips for her mother. I've been told to hide all mail-order catalogs from her to prevent her from buying more junk).

I think the best present story is when she decided to buy her daughter's high school boyfriend a small gift for Christmas. She knew he was into wrestling, so she decided that a wrestling magazine would make a good stocking stuffer.

She went to the store and bought a magazine that said "Co-ed wrestling" on the cover. It did not occur to her that something was wrong. The plastic wrapper around the magazine did not tip her off either.

Later, the boyfriend unwrapped the magazine in front of his grandmother at a family gathering. He was greatly amused, but his horrified mother confiscated the soft-core porn mag.

When my boss told the office this story she said, "You laugh, but I was so embarrassed! I had to go and apologize to his entire family. His grandmother still won't speak to me!"

On the upside, the boyfriend thinks she's the coolest mom ever.

Edit: I forgot to add, her daughter said, "Mom, all the guys want to date me now."

Most Memorable Tupperware Party Ever

My boss was invited to a Tupperware party that charged an admission price of $5. She was confused, but assumed everyone was being asked to chip in for food.

She realized she was wrong when the Fedex delivery man showed up later that night for a "special delivery."

I'll give you a moment to figure it out.

Indeed, the "Fedex" guy took out a boombox and started stripping off his clothes. The $5 (times 30 people) was used to pay for his performance. A number of women also put cash tips into the box he had tied around his waist.

It was a very successful party. Apparently the stripper put the women in the mood to buy a lot of Tupperware.

Prison Exercise

I thought that the Bollywood version of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was hilarious:

Then I saw "1,500 plus CPDRC inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, Cebu, Philippines at practice!" I almost spit out my spiral pasta.

I wonder who came up with the idea. Did the warden think, "Hey, if they're doing musicals they have less time to riot" ?

I'm also intensely curious about how they selected the inmate portraying the "girl." I'm imagining flyers in the prison cafeteria proclaiming, "Nominate your favorite prison bitch!"

The Most Frightening Furniture Ever

Have you ever wanted a coffee table that looks like a glass disk being held up by an obese man in a diaper? Look no further. For only $225 (not including shipping), you can have Basho the Sumo Wrestler.

Yes, you are only a few clicks away from having furniture with a face . . . hands . . . knees . . . ample buttocks . . .

Soon, when you get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, you can experience the joy of taking a few sleepy seconds to decide whether the man crouching in your living room is an armed intruder or just your faithful servant, Basho.

Play-Doh Perfume

This was released last year, but this is the first I've heard of it. It seems fun, but a little creepy at the same time. Can you imagine meeting a grown man wearing Play-Doh cologne? "Wow, you smell great . . . like a 5-year-old."

From the description on a site selling the spray:

[Those fresh-from-the-can, full-of-potential, childhood memories... Now in a convenient spray!

This Limited Edition Cologne was created to celebrate the 50th Birthday of Play-Doh! Hasbro said the fragrance is "meant for highly-creative people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood."

Close your eyes and you're back in kindergarten all over again! It's amazing how the scent of Play-Doh can take you to another time and place.]