Craziest House Party Ever

My friend had a party and his roommate invited some very volatile people - a girl with a "reputation" and her new boyfriend, who had been paroled from prison several days before they met.

At the party they were "OMG so in love" after dating for about 48 hours, and spent much of the evening joined at the hip, cooing at each other, until Jenny decided to go talk to Bob in the front yard.

The Parolee turned out to be a meth head who started tweaking. He freaked out and began interrogating everyone at the party. "Where's Jenny? Did you see where she went? The bitch must be cheating on me! Jenny! Where the hell are you!"

People tried to calm him down and told him his girlfriend was outside. Shedding all the affection he had displayed only minutes before, the Parolee charged outside with a beer bottle and hit Jenny with it.

Enraged, she hit him back, until the two of them were laying the groundwork for assault charges. Other partygoers pulled them apart and held the Parolee down while he screamed "Jenny! You fucking whore! I love you! Jenny! You bitch! I love you! Jennnnnnny!!!!!"

Unimpressed with his declarations of affection, Jenny left the party. The spurned Parolee decided to turn his aggression upon the other men at the party. To stop him from taking swings at anyone in the vicinity, 4 men held him down on the hood of the car while his meth rage boiled over. He kept roaring "Jenny I love you!" while trying to punch everyone in the vicinity.

While they were waiting for the police to arrive a carful of men stopped in front of the house. The 4 "Marauding Irish Rednecks," as my friend called them, spilled out of the car yelling, "Is there a fight going on?"

They were not invited to the party, and no one else knew who they were. They had simply driven around the town looking for a brawl to join.

The MIR launched themselves at the Parolee and tried to hit him. The other partygoers let him go so he could defend himself, and a 5-man tussle broke out on the front lawn.

The police finally showed up and pepper-sprayed the MIR. 3 of the men ran back into their car and drove away, leaving behind their friend, who was screaming in agony because of the pepper spray in his eyes. The Parolee also managed to escape.

The police questioned my friend as the pepper-spray victim staggered around in the background wailing. "Speak up son! I can't hear you over the noise."

Meanwhile, in a strange coincidence, the Parolee ran down the street to the corner store where Jenny happened to be. She had also called the police, which turned out to be a wise decision because as soon as the Parolee saw her they started arguing again.

He ran off when the police arrived but Jenny told them where he lived, which was within walking distance.

The police had her call him to make sure he was home, then went to his house and tased him in his living room.

It was the end to a very bizarre evening.

Wedding Brawl

I have 3 weddings to go to this summer, and the first one is in about 3 weeks. Two weddings will bracket my final exams. This weekend, I'm helping a friend pick out a wedding dress. The madness is about to begin.

Bridal season is starting, and I hope it is a lot less drama-free than a wedding my co-worker told me about. I hope this doesn't happen to any of you.

At my co-worker's cousin's wedding, the wedding party had too much to drink at the reception. Fueled by alcohol, the groom became convinced that the bride was fooling around with the best man. The two men began arguing, and decided to settle their differences in the parking lot.

The bride tried to intervene in the flurry of fists, and was accidentally punched. The bride's stepmother, enraged that someone beat her daughter, ran as fast as she could across the parking lot, while her bra struggled valiantly, but failed, to hold in her ample bosom.

Upon seeing his wife in the altercation, the bride's father joined in, resulting in a bride/groom/best man/mother and father of the bride fistfight.

By this time, all the wedding guests had left the reception to watch the effects of too much hard liquor. At least one guest was on her cell phone narrating the fight to someone not present, saying "You won't believe what I'm seeing right now . . ."

Mass Shunning

My co-worker Molly came into work Monday and told me she had the most awful weekend. At the formal party she attended Saturday night, her date expressed surprise that she had romantic feelings for him.

Her reaction: "Are you retarded? We've been dating for 2 months."

His response: "I thought we were just friends. I had no idea you liked me."

She was absolutely stunned. "WTF? You thought we were friends with benefits? You asshole!"

He was very affectionate with her in public, and all her friends thought they were dating. This revelation was a complete surprise to everyone.

While Molly was in the bathroom crying, Mr. Asshole tried to smooth things over by telling Molly's friend, "Yeah, she's a beautiful girl, and really nice, but I just don't feel that way about her. "

His PR attempt backfired. The news spread through the whole party, but somehow got twisted into "Molly's an ugly bitch and I don't want to be with her."

Everyone gave him the cold shoulder, and disinvited him to their Superbowl parties the next day.

After Molly went home, she got phone calls all weekend asking how she was feeling. Mr. Asshole got messages from people chastising him. Even his frat brothers, stereotypically known for their "bros before hos" philosophy, called him and said, "That's not cool, man."

A large section of the Greek population at school hates him now. Molly sniffed to me, "Karma got him back quick. I don't feel bad for him at all."

Neither do I.

Mini Me

The other night I was taken to a party, hosted by a very interesting woman. As the shindig continued on into the wee hours of the morning, the hostess changed into pajamas that were printed with lawn gnomes in red pointy hats.

When I complimented her on the pjs she told me "I have a dwarf that's willing to dress up as a miniature of me, but isn't here tonight."

She looked completely serious and sober as she said this.

I thought her "dwarf" could be a child or pet (but not a doll or some other inanimate object) since "willing to dress up" implies sentience. Later, I remembered Diego Velazquez's "Les Meninas" and realized there's also a possibility she's recreating the old European royal custom of court dwarfs.

Either way, I still don't know if she was joking. She told me enough colorful stories (owning 110 pairs of shoes and being stalked by a foot fetishist, breaking her leg on a dance floor and being envied by a gay man when her paramedic was hot, partying with her retinue of hairdressers, etc.) that I'm not completely convinced having a Mini Me is something she wouldn't do.

The Roommate Saga Part 1

Some of you may be aware I moved earlier this summer. There were some lingering issues I had to deal with, mainly connected to one particular roommate, Sleazy Chick. Now that certain financial issues have been resolved (and hopefully I will never have to contact her or her family again), it's time to rant about what she put us through.

This will be a multi-part series. First, let's give you some background about her.

She had a number of disgusting habits, but here are a few:
1. Regularly leaving her dishes unwashed for up to 2 weeks.
2. Clogging up the toilet and leaving to stay with her boyfriend, without calling maintenance.
3. Smoking pot with all the doors and windows closed (while the rest of us were home).
4. Being inebriated and crying so loudly for hours we couldn't sleep. (If it's 2 AM in the morning, and you need to fight with your boyfriend, do it in your car. Better yet, drive somewhere else first).
5. Having equally disgusting, drunken friends who threw up in my bathtub, used my towels (and then put the soiled items back in the cupboard).
6. Hosting a party where we ended up with paint on the wall, dirt and rocks on the carpet, used glassware mixed in with our clean dishes, and beer cans in the bathroom.
7. Buying Costco-sized packs of pregnancy tests. (I am not kidding. I found them when looking for toilet paper and was absolutely weirded out. It never occurred to me that anyone would want to, or need to, buy more than 1, or even 2, tests at a time).

No, she was not "white trash." She came from a well-to-do family, wore expensive clothes and drove a nice car. She was just one of the most appallingly inconsiderate people I've ever met.

Part 2 will set the foundation for the move-out drama.

A Poorly Thought-Out Invitation

In college I met a guy whose nickname was H.B. (which stood for Horny Boy). It should have been Slackjawed Idiot (but that's going to be another post).

He once tried to convince me to go to a party that frankly, sounded like a gathering of losers. His main selling point was, "We're going to do stupid stuff, like play spin the bottle."

"Sorry," I said, "that doesn't appeal to me. (Spin the bottle? What are you, like 12?)

When I expressed reluctance he grew desperate.

"There's going to be strippers there!" he exclaimed.

"Um, no thank you please." (I don't want to see that).

"I'm one of them!"

For a moment I thought he was joking, then I realized he was in absolute earnest.

"No, I'm not going to the party." (Are you serious? You look like the offspring of Drew Carey and a manatee! I do NOT want to see you in a thong!)

Male strippers are supposed to wiggle, not jiggle.

Most Memorable Tupperware Party Ever

My boss was invited to a Tupperware party that charged an admission price of $5. She was confused, but assumed everyone was being asked to chip in for food.

She realized she was wrong when the Fedex delivery man showed up later that night for a "special delivery."

I'll give you a moment to figure it out.

Indeed, the "Fedex" guy took out a boombox and started stripping off his clothes. The $5 (times 30 people) was used to pay for his performance. A number of women also put cash tips into the box he had tied around his waist.

It was a very successful party. Apparently the stripper put the women in the mood to buy a lot of Tupperware.