Poor Perseus

I originally read this particular Craiglist ad a while ago, but I've rediscovered it and it's good for a laugh each time. Each person I show it to reads it and makes funny faces that show their growing horror at the laundry list of desirable and very specific qualities this man requires in his ideal girlfriend. When I scroll to the bottom of the ad where the would-be Romeo has a picture of himself, everyone says "Ough!" without fail. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but doesn't understand that in the cruel world of dating, if you're trying to hook a hot girl, you shouldn't post a red-faced, double-chinned photo of yourself grimacing in a science t-shirt.

Perseus is looking for love. He says he likes "my women with some meat on them" but requires his ideal woman to be no larger than 115 pounds. (My female friends think he's looking for a dwarf).

He's specifically looking for Asian women, but prefers "Nihonese," which is another way of saying "I'm a Wapanese tard."

He's 22, but okay with dating 16-year olds, possibly because women his age know better.

He wants someone with a "Traditional Ladies' education" which means needlework and French to me, but I think he's looking for subservience.

A bonus is if his lady love owns a "Large collection of animé and manga" so he can borrow her cartoon DVDs and comic books and "enjoy delving into the myriad artistic realities of animé."

Perseus also wants to make sure you understand he's not looking for a " 'fling' as though I were a boy toy to be tossed aside."

Sorry, I don't think you will be a boy toy anytime soon.

Rainbow Bridesmaids

A friend of mine was drafted as a bridesmaid in a rainbow-themed wedding. The plan was to have 7 bridesmaids, each dressed in a different color of the rainbow.

Some other women called dibs on blue and red first. My friend was left with orange.

Furthermore, all the dresses were trimmed with black accents.

She looked like a Jack-O-Lantern at the wedding.

Poo Sofa

My fiance and I went shopping for a couch this weekend.

At the store we saw the ugliest piece of furniture I've ever seen. (Yes, even worse than the sumo table). We both looked at it and said, "That looks like dog crap."

Not only was it a particular shade of brown, it had a mottled color and texture that made it look "realistic." It had a subtle shine to it, so it looked almost sticky.

The upholstery was stitched to make it look like lumps squished together.

In short, the couch was shaped, colored and textured to look like a giant mound of poo.

It took us a while, but I think we've finally stopped laughing.

Mullet King

Today I saw a man with awesome hair. It was the most memorable specimen of a mullet I had ever seen. It was 80's hair band meets afro meets boy band grease mess.

It was not like those limp, weak mullets you sometimes see on guys with less ambitious hairdos. Oh no, this was a full, thick, luxurious mane of hair. It was long, teased and puffed, with a bouffant on the top.

In addition, the whole thing was slicked with hair gel.

Short Man Wearing a Suit, I applaud you. It takes a special brand of ego to walk out the door every morning with hair like that and think, "I look good."

Airbrushed Wedding

The most memorable wedding favor I've ever seen was a mix CD, with a picture of the bride and groom on the front of the CD case.

The reason why it was memorable was because the bride's chest had been photoshopped - badly - to increase her cleavage.

It looked like someone had drawn )( onto her photo, in a color that didn't quite match her skin, and then used the blur tool to try to blend it in.

It didn't work.

A Poorly Thought-Out Invitation

In college I met a guy whose nickname was H.B. (which stood for Horny Boy). It should have been Slackjawed Idiot (but that's going to be another post).

He once tried to convince me to go to a party that frankly, sounded like a gathering of losers. His main selling point was, "We're going to do stupid stuff, like play spin the bottle."

"Sorry," I said, "that doesn't appeal to me. (Spin the bottle? What are you, like 12?)

When I expressed reluctance he grew desperate.

"There's going to be strippers there!" he exclaimed.

"Um, no thank you please." (I don't want to see that).

"I'm one of them!"

For a moment I thought he was joking, then I realized he was in absolute earnest.

"No, I'm not going to the party." (Are you serious? You look like the offspring of Drew Carey and a manatee! I do NOT want to see you in a thong!)

Male strippers are supposed to wiggle, not jiggle.

Warning Signs That a Party is Bad

My friend was invited to a party and decided to bring me with her. We had other plans so we arrived rather late, just to drop in and say hello.

Sign #1 that a party is bad:
By the time we arrived, there was one female left at the party.

Sign #2:
The lone female had to be at the party, because she lived at the house where it was being held.

Sign #3:
Before we went in my friend warned me not to talk to "Dirk," who had a habit of telling disgusting stories. I was to recognize him as the "creepy and unattractive" guy.

Sign #4:
I walked in and thought, "Which creepy and unattractive guy?"

I know that sounds horrible, but please wait to judge me. This is what I saw:

Sign #5: A guy picking at his feet.
Sign #6: A man in dirty sweatpants and a torn t-shirt, afflicted with some sort of unpleasant odor.
Sign #7: A gentleman with huge (4 inch) scabs on his elbows and either 2 black eyes or really severe sleep deprivation.
Sign #8: An emaciated fellow with poorly groomed facial hair, who smelled of cigarettes.
Sign #9: A greasy-haired individual who spoke fondly of Klingon weddings.

I am accustomed to all sorts of people, and have many friends others would consider "odd." I can tolerate weirdness or even poor social skills but am I a snob for expecting someone to practice general hygiene? Especially in the presence of females?

By the way, I found out later that "Dirk" was the guy picking at his feet.

I Met Dolores Umbridge

This week I met a woman who made me think, "Now that's what Dolores Umbridge should look like!"

Imelda Staunton is an excellent actress and does a good portrayal of Dolores Umbridge in "Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix." She wears garish pink tweed, simpers, and sits in a horrifyingly feline-infested office. However, the book described Umbridge as "toad-like" woman, which is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Imelda Staunton.

The lady I met this week, however, was very much like the mental image of Umbridge I developed when reading the book. She wore bright pink clothing (two days in a row) and had bright pink lipstick. She had a broad, putty-colored face with a very wide, flat mouth. Her forearms were not particularly large, but she had thick upper arms (like a frog). She was about fifty years old, and had short, wavy hair with a wet look. She acted nice but whined in an unpleasantly sweet voice to make people do things for her.

I truly felt she would have made a convincing Umbridge.

Really, I am not trying to slur this woman. I'm just excited to meet someone who resembles a book character in person.

This was the confession of someone who spends too much time thinking about books.

Painful Underpinnings (A Minor Rant about Corsets)

Just because you're wearing cheap lingerie as outerwear does not mean you're sexy. If you're wearing an expensive corset the wrong way you are not sexy either.

If I see these you are doing something wrong.

1. Back cleavage. If you've laced yourself in tightly enough to sprout new boobs on your back, you should be wearing a chemise. At the very least your corset should have a modesty panel (right under the criss-cross laces).

2. Saggy boobs. The rule about not wearing a bra with a corset does not apply if you are wearing an underbust corset or waist cincher. You still need support for the girls on top if you are more than an A cup. I have seen, on more than one occasion, people with large breasts exhibit significant flop overlapping the tops of their corsets by 3 inches or more. This is not attractive in the least. When you move they sway and yell to innocent bystanders, "I'm losing the fight with gravity!" Plus, doesn't it chafe?

3. Breasts cut in half. Some corsets have demi-cups that can be flattering when they lay correctly. Demi-cups are not an invitation to cinch the top of the corset so tightly you look like you're using the lack of circulation to do a crude amputation of your lower boob.

I was at a party where a woman was wearing such a concotion under a sweater. After she left the girls said, "Oh my god! Did you see the corset she was wearing?"

A guy said, "She was wearing a corset? I thought she was just lumpy."

Hobbit Feet

Dear Men With Hairy Hobbit Feet,

Given the recent good weather, this is a gentle reminder that not everyone is entitled to wear sandals. The majority of you probably know this already, but some of your brethren have been abusing the privilege of wearing open-toed shoes.

You see, I witnessed one of your ilk, to whom we shall refer as Werewolf Legs, take advantage of the spring weather to wear dollar store flip-flops. He then sat down in uncomfortably close proximity, shod only in what amounted to little pieces of plastic on his feet, and propped his leg up next to me.

I would not have noticed the dark 3-4 inch long tufts of hair sprouting from his feet had he not proceeded to fidget and jiggle his flip-flop up and down, slapping it lightly against the soles of his feet. I might not have even noticed the fidgety behavior had I not thought, "What is that sour smell?" and realized, "Nooooo! That pungent odor arises from the pores of Werewolf Legs!"

And yes, Werewolf Legs, I realize you may not have wanted to groom yourself because you were desperate to cling to whatever manly indicators you thought you had. (Your wispy, undernourished, poor excuse for a fu manchu moustache was a testament to this). I am not saying you and your brethren should make regular pilgrimages to the salon. I merely ask, for the sake of our eyes and those of us with delicate nostrils: PLEASE WEAR SOME DECENT SHOES.

Wrinkly Tattoo

I was in the grocery store and witnessed a 60-year-old woman and a middle-aged man comparing tattoos.

In order to make her skin art comprehensible the old lady had to stretch back the sagging skin around the tattoo. Even then, it was covered with age spots and I had no idea what the design was supposed to be. On top of that, the entire tattoo was made up of blue outlines that blended in with the veins on her arm.

Yeah, maybe youthful indiscretions aren't such a good idea.

Webcam Losers

I have a vice. I like to read personal ads and giggle. The internet has made this very, very easy. To those of you who post online dating profiles: I would like to offer you a bit of advice in return for the hours of amusement you have given me.

Dear Participants in Internet Mating Rituals,

Do not use webcam photos.

They're rarely flattering and often make you look like you have a giant forehead or chin, but most importantly, they make you look like a loser who has no friends.

Are you really sure you can't ask your buddy, roommate, sister or neighbor for 2 minutes of their time to take your photo? Is it really that hard?

Please, use a photo taken by someone else other than you and somewhere else other than in front of your computer. It demonstrates that you leave your room every so often. It's nice to have hobbies and places to go, and having non-webcam photos helps convince us you're not a drooly moron lacking social graces.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Reads Your Profile and Has No Intention of Dating You

P.S. Mug shots are not good, either.

Sock Model

Someone told me that a guy I used to go to school with is now a model.

After I finished laughing and gasping for breath I said, "No, really. What is he doing?"

"He's a model."

"What does he model, socks?"

"I don't know. Apparently he photographs well."

"If he looks anything like the way I remember, he's modeling motorcyle helmets."

"Who knows?"

"Maybe the magic of puberty turned him from a skinny, pale, odd-looking guy into an A&F wannabe. No, not magic. Miracle."

Some time later I got my chance to see him at an event. He was still a skinny, pale, odd-looking guy who was not even particularly tall.

Still, I thought there was a chance that he's one of those people that look normal in person but for some reason are beloved by the camera.

I got a group photo from the party. He looked even odder in the picture.

I now have 3 theories:
1) He once had a soft-focus, from-the-shoulders-up, photo-shopped "glamour shots" session. He now passes the photo around as a sign of his "potential" for modeling.
2) His parents own a business and used him in an advertisement. He now tells people he's a model to pick up chicks.
3) He models furry suits.