Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Friday, April 25, 2008

A Joyful Busdriver

My bus today was about a block away from its next stop when we saw a couple running towards the next stop, with the fellow dragging his smaller and slower girlfriend by the hand. Presumably, they were hoping to get there before the bus arrived and left.

The bus driver yelled, "I love it when people run like that! Look at them! I'm going to slow down and give them hope."

He slowed the bus down, then speeded up, the slowed down again, while laughing. "My dad make me work for my car; I'm going to make them work for this!"


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Another Educational (and Terrifying) Lecture

You must imagine this spoken by my elderly professor, who has a thick Japanese accent:

"Chemical disposal can cost more than the chemical. In the good old days we throw everything in the sewer . . . We cannot use benzene in the lab anymore. Too dangerous. When I was in school, I wash my hands with benzene. It's a good solvent. But, I do not have skin cancer yet, so maybe it's okay."

He also informed us that 4-hydroxy-2-nonenal, which is naturally found in the human body, is produced in increasing amounts with age. "It make the old man smell."

If you found this post hilarious, you must be a chemist.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Overheard on the Bus

College-age female: "He bought me a car. It's a Ford Taurus. It's white. Yeah, we should tint the windows and make it a Mafia car."

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Geek Fun With Condiments

Do you dream of a Jetsons-like future, where your meals are served to you by robotic servants?

Now you can be one step closer, with the STAR WARS R2-D2 Soy Sauce Bottle!

Just fill your trusty little robot with delicious flavor, and give him a little squeeze.

Yes, this is a real product you can buy. From the description:

"Ever dreamed to go space journy with your R2?? Unfortunately, such a dream can't be true at the moment. But now this tiny R2D2 can serve you Soy Sauce by your one-hand little move, leaning the R2 body a little to put appropriate Soy Sauce on Chinese or Japanese fried rice."

How can you resist the earnest little suggestion they make? "Let's Pre-order today and buy Kikkoman while waiting ;)"

Let's get our "one-hand little move" ready!

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Sisterhood Can Be Transferred

I heard something on the bus today that could be quite sinister when taken out of context.

Girl leaving someone a voice message: "Hi ____, I'm calling to talk to you about you giving your little sis(ter) to ____. We're all part of the same family, but we don't want her line to die."

They were discussing sorority business.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

Citibank, Stop Stalking Me

I am no longer a customer of Citibank. I haven't been a customer for over a year. However, they keep spamming me with Citibank-related emails. Clicking on the "unsubscribe" link is futile, because it takes me to a page asking me to sign into my customer account (which I no longer have) to revise my subscription details.

How's that for a Catch-22?

Hey Citibank, bug off! I'm not coming back to you! I should have figured out you have crappy business practices when I originally opened my account.

I signed up for your free checking account. Later, I noticed you were taking $9.50 of my account each month for service fees. Why the hell should I pay you $114 a year for the privilege of holding my money?

When I called to enquire about the fees, you told me, "You don't have a free checking account. You have the paid account."

No, I have the free checking. I even have a letter from you that says "Congratulations for signing up for a free checking account!" Would you like me to fax it to you?

The CSR kept insisting I signed up for a paid account. Eventually, he referred me to a supervisor who asked, "So would you like to switch to a free account?" and implied I was a flake who changed her mind.

I told him I was not "switching," because I never had the paid account in the first place.

"But it says here you have a paid account."

I should have ran then. But I stayed. And you decided to drive me away.

I got sick of your repeated marketing phone calls while I was a customer. I kept coming home to find messages on my answering machine, or that you left with my family members that basically said, "This is Citibank calling. Call us back and we'll tell you what we want."

Freaked out that I was a victim of identity theft, or my account was overdrawn, each time I'd call you, get transferred, get put on hold and eventually, talk to a thickly-accented CSR who would tell me, "Uh, there's nothing wrong with your account. I don't know why you got a call."

Finally, one day I was home when you rang me. It turns out all this time, you were calling to get me to sign up for stuff I didn't need or want.

Go away.


Shortest Commute Ever

My classmate got a job in a rental office - in her apartment complex.

She just has to walk downstairs to go to work.

I think anyone with a 2 hour commute is just a tad jealous.

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Monday, April 07, 2008

A Chemistry PhD Isn't Always Useful

Today, my professor told us about being stopped by a policeman after he left a restaurant inebriated. (I'm not sure whether he attempted to drive or not). He believes the cop was waiting for him.

The policeman wanted him to take a Breathalyzer test. My professor asked him, "Do you know how that works?" The cop admitted he knew how to operate it, but not the details of the mechanism.

My professor then tried to convince the policeman that the Breathalyzer was an inaccurate instrument, and he shouldn't be subjected to such a test, using biochemistry mumbo-jumbo.

The cop got angry and gave him a $350 ticket.

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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Run If This Guy Asks You Out

My friend's ex-boyfriend has something called a "girlfriend closet." How thoughtful, right?

No. It is incredibly creepy:

1. This is not simply space he sets aside, in case his lady wants to leave items at his apartment. This is an actual collection of clothing.

2. The clothes aren't gifts. They are for his girlfriends to wear -- only while they are dating him.

3. They aren't cast-offs from previous flings. He buys clothes to add to the girlfriend closet, if it's something he wants to see his girl wear.

4. All the clothes are in the same general size range (like his girlfriends).

5. If a current girlfriend tells him a particular item is gross and she won't wear it, he doesn't throw it away. He puts it aside for a future paramour.

6. When a relationship sours, he doesn't start over with a fresh wardrobe. He asks his next girlfriend to wear the same clothes the old girlfriend did.

My friend and I are thinking of donating some hideous clothes to the closet, so girls dating the creepo will be repulsed. He's so cheap if we left a bag marked "free" outside his home, he would actually go through it and select some items for the girlfriend closet.

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