Emotionally Unstable

I am getting a wee bit tired of tip-toeing around the weird girl at work. She's very shy and quiet, and has self-esteem problems, so I've always been extra nice to her.

I now realize that she is bat shit insane.

I work for a government laboratory where everything is meticulously documented and triple-checked. It is standard protocol to review someone else's work and notify them to fix errors, even if it's something minor like forgetting to initial something.

Recently, while working on a project I found that Miss Unstable submitted an unnecessary request for outside services, for an issue that had already been resolved. I sent her a courtesy email to let her know the issue was corrected and I had removed her request.

Instead of reading my email as "Hey just to let you know this was fixed after you sent in the request no worries!" somehow she misinterpreted it to mean "You screwed up and you're dumb! I will review all your work because I am petty! Bwahahaha!"

She stormed into the other project leader's office, literally in TEARS, and insisted I denied the request because I had a vendetta against her, and would rather quit the project than work on anything where I was in charge.

The Project Leader calmly explained that I did not know who had submitted the services request at the time I decided it was unnecessary, and that it was the Project Leader who had looked up the requester and asked me to send the courtesy email to Ms. Unstable, after she concurred that the request was unnecessary.

This did not convince Ms. Unstable. "You don't understand! She's always been bitchy to me!"

This was a surprise to me and the Project Leader, who then found out that Ms. Unstable had been nursing a grudge for months over a perceived slight. The "always been bitchy" referred to ONE other incident of her being bat shit crazy. One time she had to go home early and I offered to finish her part of the project we were both working on since management told us it was a rush job that should be completed ASAP.

Instead of thinking "how nice" Ms. Unstable thought, "OMG. She thinks I'm slow and incompetent."

I am now planning to avoid her like the plague if her paranoia allows her to twist every kind gesture into something sinister.

After her tearful rant in the Project Leader's office was not met with agreement, she stormed out and shopped her "Woe is me" speech around. Everyone's reaction was "If you can't get along with Snark, it's not Snark's problem." I presume she realized she was not winning the PR campaign, because later that day she went back to the Project Leader's office and backtracked. "Uh, I hope you don't think I was angry at Snark. I wasn't implying that at all. I don't want any rumors to start or people to think I don't like her, and you don't need to talk to management about my behavior."

She then sent me an email explaining why she had submitted the services request, and why she would continue to do so. It was politely worded, but essentially said, "I didn't do anything wrong and I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing."

The Proselytizer

At my current job there was an employee who made everyone uncomfortable. She left religious pamphlets on desks. When she was told by management that it was inappropriate to do things like that at a government agency, she complained that it violated her religious freedom to be unable to violate other people's freedom to be free from being preached to at work.

When she found out a co-worker was gay she told him it "would be a good idea" if he agreed to go to church with her. Afterwards, we started joking "She wants him to pray the gay away!"

I don't think people would have minded this behavior so much if she hadn't been a crappy employee as well.

She regularly called out sick, or showed up very late, when she was assigned to work on projects or with people she didn't like. One time she told a group of us that she had plans and was going to be gone on Friday. Everyone assumed she had an approved vacation and management had been notified. That Friday, a supervisor told us that she was "out sick." I didn't know it was possible to plan being sick 3 days in advance.

One time I was doing a team project with her and the employee she tried to "fix." While the two of us were working we found she was surfing the internet. When he told her "Um, we're a little shorthanded today so everyone has to pitch in and do their part" she ignored him. A long pause later she asked, "Were you talking to me?"

Management grew to dislike her as well. Since all of us had to go through extensive and expensive background checks and training, we agreed to stay for a minimum of 2 years when we were offered the job. 6 or 7 months after the Proselytizer started working, she quit her job. She revealed that she was planning to go back to school, and had applied a while back. She took the job fully knowing she wasn't planning to stay, and deprived someone else who really wanted the position the opportunity.

On her last day at the job she distributed gifts. They were books written by a preacher known for his "gayness can be cured" ideology. She left them on the desks of people who were nice enough to talk to her (and she erroneously thought agreed with her), and also on the desk of the resident metrosexual.

The metrosexual was very, very mad.

Paranoia

When I started working at my current job people told me about a former employee that had to be escorted out of the building on her last day.

During her time at work it became painfully clear that she had some mental problems.

She would stand outside doors, waiting for someone to let her in (instead of opening them herself) because "they're tracking me."

She once passed a note to a co-worker that said, "I can't talk out loud. They're listening."

I'm not sure if anyone figured out who "They" are.

If she was assigned to work in a particular area for a period of time, she would use a notebook to record how many times she saw other employees walk past her.

On her last day, she sang to herself as security escorted her out.

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Next time: The religious nut.

Leering and Staring

At work we had to attend a sexual harassment prevention seminar. The speaker gave a Powerpoint presentation. One of the slides contained a list of inappropriate behavior, such as touching, gestures, leering and staring.

The speaker told us that in a previous class a creeper said, "What? Leering and staring isn't sexual harassment! I do it all the time!"

When met with shock, the creeper asked the speaker, "Come on, don't you leer and stare?" The answer was no.

At the end of class the creeper wrote "If you don't leer you're queer" on the seminar evaluation form, and signed his full name.

The idiot does not work for the department anymore.

Whistle While You Work

I've been very busy the past two weeks working at my new job! I'm starting at a very interesting time.

Next week the lab is being audited. The managers and supervisors are running around, making sure everyone has their paperwork up-to-date. Some of the training manuals and miscellaneous documentation that new employees take weeks or months to do, I need to do immediately.

One of the supervisors calls me the "miracle child." Due to budget problems, lots of positions got cut - right after I got hired. The student workers got laid off 5 days after I started working.

It's a scary, but exciting time.

Peeing in a Cup

I am very optimistic about starting work soon.

I received a letter saying my background check is complete, and earlier this week I went in for a drug test.

I was still recovering from a cough earlier this month, but as a precaution I stopped taking my cough syrup. I also stopped taking my allergy medication because I was paranoid that I would get false positives from the drug test. (One of my friends had to repeat a urine test and was told "Next time don't take a multivitamin.")

I told my mother to stop feeding me Chinese herbal and nutritional supplements. She agreed, then changed her mind the morning of the test. "Take some of these! They're good for you. They're natural so it's okay." No thanks, Mom. I don't want to explain to my future employer I failed a drug test because I was drinking concoctions with mysterious ingredients.

The day of the drug test I waited for about 1.5 hours. Perhaps this was to ensure I could make sufficient urine for testing but I was ready to go when I arrived. This was very uncomfortable.

When my name was called I ran over and practically snatched the cup from the nurse. She indicated they only need to fill the cup up about a quarter of the way, and that was not a problem for me.

I was told not to flush the toilet until the nurse had finished her inspection. There was also no sink inside the bathroom to wash my hands. I suppose this was to prevent people who smuggle in other urine from flushing/washing evidence away.

As a germaphobe, it took much willpower not to flush the toilet or wash my hands before I gathered up my belongings and handed my cup to the nurse.

Ew.

I'm glad it's over, but it's a very small price to pay if I am employed soon!

My fiance says it makes him so "happy I get to pee in a cup."

Chugging Along

The state has changed its mind, and it appears hiring is on again.

Fingers crossed.

Ass Stones

Can someone tell me whether this is a male thing or the men in my lab are unusually comfortable revealing intimate details about their bowel movements?

At lunch the other day Guy #1 told us about his episode of constipation. We found out how long it lasted, how it felt, what positions were uncomfortable to him, what remedies he tried, what medication worked and what the final release looked like.

Guy #2 exclaimed, "Wow, that sounds painful! It's like ass stones!"

Guy #3 said, "That's Type I on the Bristol Stool Chart! Hard like nuts!"

Guy #1 said, "They were really shooting out."

Guy #2 laughed, "Haha like a gun!" then started making shooting and flicking motions with his fingers, accompanied by "Bew! Bew!" missile noises.

One day they grow up, right?

Take Your Child (and Drama) to Work Day

Note: The nonprofit I was working for lost its funding and I lost my job, but I still have some tales to disgorge so you'll continue to see work stories. (I also do unpaid research in a lab for school, so some "work" stories are from there).

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The building had a "take your child to work day." I was put in charge of making goodie bags with candy and toys, and running the science activities. One of the admin staff was responsible for e-mailing all the parents in the building to let them know about the scheduled fun.

I later found out that Petty Woman selectively e-mailed people she got along with, or whose children were friends with her grandkids. When confronted by other staff she said "it would be too crowded" with too many kids, and arbitrarily capped the number of children allowed to 10. Not surprisingly, her 3 grandkids made the cut.

Since everyone thought that those who organized the activities (not Petty Woman) should be able to say how much was "too much," those who weren't invited brought their children anyway. Besides, if crowding really was an issue, it should have been "first come, first served," not "if I like you."

The kids that came had a great time doing science experiments, and I'm just appalled that someone would try to deprive them because she wasn't buddies with their parents.

By the way, 3 days after the event, Petty Woman told us her granddaughter lost the goodie bag. Instead of telling her, "Too bad; be more responsible with your presents," she guilted us into making a special treat bag for the kid.

The Obvious Solution

I used to work as a lab manager at a previous job. I think the building manager in that facility misses me.

He sent an email telling me that someone at my old lab called him in to look a clogged drain. When he got there, that person showed him a sink with several inches of murky water in it.

The building manager reached in and pulled out a drain plug.

I don't think he's very impressed with my replacement.

Ring Fund

My former co-worker (who graduated and moved across the world to find a job), is barely 21, but announced to us that he has a "ring fund."

"What?"

"I'm saving up to buy an engagement ring."

"But you don't have a girlfriend."

"So?"

Knowing what we did about him, we found it surprising that he was already planning for marriage.

By the way, so you can get a better mental picture, this is the same guy who was a car seat for Halloween.

He bought a car seat, cut arm and leg holes in it, and invited girls to sit on him.

Strangest Conversation Ever

At work, I met a man with aphasia due to a stroke. He could understand everything I said, but had incredible difficulty finding the right words to articulate what he wanted to say. I work for an educational group that provides science materials, and he wanted to know where to buy a particular item.

The man spent 10 minutes repeating the words "1951," "girl," "dead," "look at," and "splat." He also drew a picture that I thought was a faucet, but I eventually figured out it was a microscope.

I thought for a long time. Then I asked, "You want to buy HeLa human cancer cells to lyse, and for your students to observe under a microscope?"

"Yeah!" He was euphoric that someone finally understood him.

I'm officially psychic.

Be Careful When Screencapping

One of my friends works in a office where a secretary has an addiction to screencapping. When there is something she wants to show someone, instead of utilizing copy/paste to transfer the text into an email, or even providing a URL, she decides to press the "Print Screen" button.

She then makes a .jpeg and sends it as an email attachment, which requires everyone to download the file and use an image viewer to see a slightly blurry picture of her screen.

Everyone was suitably annoyed with this practice, until she slipped up.

She was running multiple applications, and sent a .jpeg that showed some of the other items she had on her taskbar.

One was an internet browser labeled "Sex Acts."

Supermarket Drama

I have a cousin who has a reputation for being rather foul-mouthed, yet works in customer service. She manages fine, until she meets someone equally combative.

Once, she was passing out free samples of wine as part of a holiday promotion at the grocery store where she worked.

A customer asked, "How much is that wine?"

When my cousin gave him the price, he said, "What? That's too much."

She said, "There's a cheaper kind over there."

The customer decided to take that as a personal insult. "Are you calling me cheap? You don't think I can afford this wine or something?"

When she didn't correct him, he yelled, "Look at you! You must be some kind of uneducated person to work such a degrading job!"

My cousin retorted, "Look at you! You look like you have venereal disease!"

Upon hearing this, the customer flew into a rage. Both he and wife started screaming for a manager, and my cousin started yelling back.

When the manager arrived and asked the other store employees who were witnesses to the outburst what happened, they all said the customer started it.

I supposed "The customer is always right" doesn't apply when you inadvertently insult all the other employees working a "degrading job."

My Co-Workers Have a Weird Sense of Humor

One of the students in my lab is pre-med. He hasn't decided what his specialty in medicine will be, but everyone is trying to convince him to become a gynecologist.

Why? Because his initials are VAG.

At lunch today, people gave him helpful suggestions such as:

"Wouldn't it be cool to have a name tag that says Dr. Vag?"

"You could open up a women's clinic and call it 'The Vag Center.'"

"You can get a license plate for your car that says VAG MAN."

This is what happens when geeks get bored.

"Clever" Evaluations

As part of my job for the educational nonprofit, I score evaluations from students that use our services.

Part of the form asks them to indicate their gender and race. Some kids apparently don't know what "Caucasian" means, and write down "White" in the line reserved for "Other." One student emphatically wrote "Indian. We are NOT Asian!"

Some try to be clever and fill in the blank with "Alien-robo-pirate," "Mongo," "Martian" and "Irish Wookie." (Yes, these are real examples I have seen).

One particularly cheeky child wrote this note in the "Additional Comments" section recently:

"My teacher says your materials are ridiculously expensive. Also, we are the fertile minds of your future profits. =) Do you enjoy your job, by the way? Reading evaluations all day. How much do you get paid for it? Call me babe. 1-900-888-6969."

Definitely a fertile mind there.

Fire Makes People Stupid

My friend "Lana" works on the 32nd floor of an office building. Recently, there was a fire on the 26th floor and everyone had to evacuate.

Lana is in the marketing division of a large cosmetics company, and according to her, the majority of her co-workers are stylish women and gay men. No one reacted well when they realized they had to walk down 32 flights of stairs.

The women who wore stilettos to work moaned all the way down to the ground floor. When I asked Lana, "Why didn't you just take off your shoes?" she said it was because the floor was dirty.

It's a freakin' fire! Who cares if your pantyhose get ruined? Toss your damn Manolos and get the hell out of the building!

One of Lana's male co-workers whined, "Oh my god! Why aren't the elevators working? I keep pressing the buttons and nothing happens!" Someone had to explain to him that the elevators shut down when the fire alarm goes off.

However, the biggest idiot award goes to Lana's boss. He decided that since the fire was on the 26th floor, he would be safe as long as he made it to the 25th floor. (He didn't consider the possibility of the floor above collapsing).

Lana's boss went down to the 25th floor and refused to walk any further. He met up with some other morons and had dim sum while the building was evacuated.

Shortest Commute Ever

My classmate got a job in a rental office - in her apartment complex.

She just has to walk downstairs to go to work.

I think anyone with a 2 hour commute is just a tad jealous.

Addiction to Junk

My boss has a habit of buying things from mail-order catalogs because they are cheap, and not because she really needs them. (I've written about some of her previous purchases before).

It's obvious she has a problem because she has the packages and catalogs sent to the office, so her husband won't see them.

Despite a conspiracy to hide the catalogs from her, and telling her she's not "saving" money by spending it on junk, packages still show up. She claims they were "back-ordered."

I decided to look through the last catalog that came in the mail, to see what the allure was. It was filled with "As Seen on TV" kitchen gadgets, and tacky home decor items.

One item in particular caught my eye. It was a Thanksgiving decoration that I showed my boss.

"Geez," I said, "who would buy a giant plush turkey toilet cover?"

My boss looked down. "I have one of those."

She's officially helpless.

It's Not a Workplace Affair, I Promise!

One of my co-workers told me her husband is having lunch with an old boss, for networking purposes.

He scheduled the lunch for February 14.

When his wife found out she said, "You're having lunch with another woman on Valentine's Day?"

Oops.