Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Political Graffiti

In a bathroom stall on campus, on the back of a door:
"Vote for Obama!"

Underneath, in different handwriting:
"Oh my god! I've been wondering who to vote for. Thank you, oh wise and omnipotent bathroom graffiti!"

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

No, Not That Kind!

My friend Karen and I were visiting her friend Adam, who lived with a big group of guys. While the three of us were sitting around chatting, one of Adam's roommates came in and yelled, "Hooters!"

Then he realized there were females present, and became mortified.

"Uh, I didn't mean you! I meant the food!" (He pointed to some take-out containers from a Hooters Restaurant).

"Yeah," he continued, "we're not that crass. It's not like we see girls and yell hooters, you know? Sorry."

He then hastily left the room with his chicken.

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A Literal Compliment

Someone, impressed that I was reading a book that intimidated him, tried to compliment me by saying, "Wow, it's like you're in grad school, and I'm in community college! Wait, that's probably true."


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Bad Parenting 101

While visiting friends, I was in the ladies' room of a hotel lobby when an inebriated woman came in and started spilling her life story.

She complained that her 12-year-old daughter, "who doesn't have the body of a 12-year-old, you know" doesn't listen to her and couldn't be convinced to stay in their room.

Her daughter was running around the hotel with some older guys she met, and her mother had no idea where she was, exactly who she was with and what they were doing.

The woman admitted she was "drunk, and getting drunker" and seemed like she had no intention of stopping.

Gee, maybe you'd have more credibility with your daughter if you were sober?

I felt bad for the mom, but even worse for her daughter. It must be hard trying to navigate adolescence with dignity when you know your mom would rather get sloshed at the hotel bar than look after you.

Lady, if you recognize yourself here, I hope you realize something: Maybe if you got some self-respect for yourself, some of it would rub off on your kid.

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

I Need to Be More Impulsive

Today, I spent several hours waffling over whether to buy a pair of $101 boots. (I have never ever spent that much on shoes, but after hours of searching for rainproof, classic, comfortable, low-heeled but good-looking leather boots I can wear everyday, I found these and they were perfect). Plus, the company offered free overnight shipping and free returns if the shoes didn't fit.

During my waffling, my size sold out.

I eventually found the same shoes on a different site for $110, plus $8 priority shipping and $7 for returns.

I was bitter and opted for the free standard shipping (7-10 business days).

I'm just saying, these better be frickin' awesome boots.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

We Seek the Paleface

When my boss heard the DHL story she told me about her experience in the Peace Corps.

Many years ago, she was stationed in Ethiopia and someone sent her a package. It was addressed to:

"White People. ____ Village. Ethiopia."

She had no problem receiving it.

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Monday, January 07, 2008

Mini Me

The other night I was taken to a party, hosted by a very interesting woman. As the shindig continued on into the wee hours of the morning, the hostess changed into pajamas that were printed with lawn gnomes in red pointy hats.

When I complimented her on the pjs she told me "I have a dwarf that's willing to dress up as a miniature of me, but isn't here tonight."

She looked completely serious and sober as she said this.

I thought her "dwarf" could be a child or pet (but not a doll or some other inanimate object) since "willing to dress up" implies sentience. Later, I remembered Diego Velazquez's "Les Meninas" and realized there's also a possibility she's recreating the old European royal custom of court dwarfs.

Either way, I still don't know if she was joking. She told me enough colorful stories (owning 110 pairs of shoes and being stalked by a foot fetishist, breaking her leg on a dance floor and being envied by a gay man when her paramedic was hot, partying with her retinue of hairdressers, etc.) that I'm not completely convinced having a Mini Me is something she wouldn't do.

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Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Trickle Toilet

I was waiting in a public restroom that had only 1 stall.

The stall door was closed and I could hear a gentle stream of water.

I stood there for a while and thought, "Gee, this person has been peeing for a really long time."

Eventually I realized the stall was empty and the toilet was leaking.

I was tricked by a porcelain bowl with a gift for mimicry.