Mothers Have a Special Language

I was having lunch with some female friends and the topic turned to our mothers and what they think of us, our reputations and our relationships. The common theme seemed to be that our mothers are terrified other people will view us as "damaged merchandise."

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Friend #1, prior to meeting her husband, was subjected to motherly comments such as, "Why are you still single? Your sister is fatter and uglier but she still found a man. You're getting old!" (Translation: Hurry before your ovaries shrivel up and turn into dust).

When Friend #2 announced her engagement to a man her mother didn't adore, the admonishments changed to, "You're still young! Why do you need to settle down? Take your time." (Translation: Find someone else).

When Friend #1 and her fiancé bought a house, her mom said, "Oh that's so nice!" (I can remind all of my friends that my child is more successful than theirs).

After they signed the papers her mother suddenly realized, "Oh my god! You're going to be living in sin!" (I have to tone down the bragging about the house to our relatives!)

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Friend #2, who is currently living with her fiancé, was recently introduced to his mother's relatives. Prior to the visit, she begged her, "Please don't let them know you're living together! Please don't tell them!" (I want my family to think my son is marrying a pure, virtuous girl).

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Friend #3 remarked her boyfriend's parents didn't know they were sharing living quarters until they came to visit. She decided that surprising people instead of telling them in advance gives them no time to object.

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My own mother likes to remind me, "You're looking really old and tired." (Eat more, and take your vitamins).

She's also asked, "Do you think your boyfriend will dump you for someone younger and prettier in a couple of years?" (Take more vitamins, so you'll stay young longer).

My mom has told me more than once, "After he finishes medical school, he'll have money and lots of women will try to steal him." (I told you to take your vitamins).

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We shared the stories and then laughed it off. When we were 13, we would have probably thought, "Your mom is a crazy woman trying to destroy your self-esteem, too!?"

Fortunately, we're old enough to realize they say awful things, not because they're awful people who want to ruin our lives, but because they genuinely believe that it is helpful. I doubt that I and my friends would be as opinionated and independent if our mothers kept their mouths shut.

Thanks Mom for being a loud, irrational worrywort.

Pizza Misfits

I was with a group of friends and we decided to order a pizza.

I'm allergic to tomatoes, so we couldn't have sauce.
One friend is a vegetarian, so we couldn't have meat.
Two people keep kosher, so we couldn't have dairy and meat on the same pizza.
Some other people are simply picky eaters who veto certain toppings.

We finally settled on a pizza with dough, cheese, green chili peppers and bell peppers. It was the strangest pizza I've ever had, but it could have been worse. We had two friends that were not present at the gathering:

One is lactose intolerant, so we wouldn't have been able to get cheese.
The other has celiac disease, so we wouldn't have had wheat dough.

Mmmm, bell peppers with chilies.

No, Not That Kind!

My friend Karen and I were visiting her friend Adam, who lived with a big group of guys. While the three of us were sitting around chatting, one of Adam's roommates came in and yelled, "Hooters!"

Then he realized there were females present, and became mortified.

"Uh, I didn't mean you! I meant the food!" (He pointed to some take-out containers from a Hooters Restaurant).

"Yeah," he continued, "we're not that crass. It's not like we see girls and yell hooters, you know? Sorry."

He then hastily left the room with his chicken.

Engagements

Two of my friends recently announced they were getting married (not to each other) in June 2008. There was a brief moment of panic at the dinner party when everyone asked "Which weekend?" and then a sigh of relief (especially from both brides) when the dates turned out to be non-conflicting.

One bride then regaled us with the tale of her engagement, which did not involve a proposal.

Exactly.

Her mother asked her boyfriend in a teasing manner, "So when are you guys getting married?"

He replied calmly, "Next summer."

My friend yelled, "There's an answer?"

"Yeah." He maintained his calm.

"But shouldn't we get engaged first?"

"I thought we already were."

My friend accepted this with, "I need to start planning!" (I probably would have responded with, "So where's my damn ring?")

She got her ring a little while later. It was custom-made and set with stones from jewelry from her family. Her fiancé loves the ring. His comment was "Yeah! It looks like I'm making money!"

Although nontraditional, now they have an amusing story to tell the grandchildren.

By the way, that's not the most unromantic "proposal" I've heard of. Someone told me he asked his girlfriend to marry him while they were at Round Table Pizza. Although he didn't say so, I believe there's a distinct possibility he was wearing his Star Wars tie at the time.

Don't You Know Who I Am?

My friend worked for a non-profit organization associated with the arts. Donors to the program had perks such as special seating arrangements or theatre tours.

One day my friend received a phone call from Angry Woman. Why she called is irrelevant. The reason why this call is memorable was because Angry Woman was upset my friend did not immediately recognize her name and start fawning over her "importance."

"Don't you know who I am? I am a donor!"

Yes, Angry Woman, the staff is incompetent because they didn't memorize the list of hundreds of donors in the files, and quickly connect a random caller to their position on that list.

Nevertheless, while she was talking to her, my friend looked up Angry Woman's donation history, to ensure she was not offending an important patron of the theatre.

Angry Woman donated $20 a year for the past 3 years.

Some people donate to charity out of generosity or guilt or for the tax breaks. I think Angry Woman donated to feel important.

Sorry lady, $20 does not buy you superiority. Your donation is appreciated, but doesn't give you the right to bully anyone with the war cry of "I am a donor!" and expect you will be remembered.

Unusual Uses for Play-Doh

My friend "Moe" was in the toy section of his local Walgreens when a woman asked him, "Excuse me, what type of Play-doh would you recommend?"

"Um," he said, "depends on what you're using it for."

"I'm making little figures of people."

"I'm not sure. I guess any kind is fine."

She then struck up a conversation with him and found out he was a history major in college. She then explained her own fascination with history, especially that pertaining to Louisiana and Marie Laveau.

As she rambled on, Moe realized she was going to use the Play-Doh to make voodoo dolls. However, being too polite to extricate himself, he continued listening, with a growing sense of unease.

Eventually, she said, "Hey, I have a daughter your age. Maybe you two could have lunch."

When he demurred, she gave him a flirty look and said, "I know what spell I'm going to cast when I get home."

Personally, I wouldn't be too worried. If she's getting voodoo supplies at Walgreens I doubt she's much of a witch.