Rainbow Bridesmaids

A friend of mine was drafted as a bridesmaid in a rainbow-themed wedding. The plan was to have 7 bridesmaids, each dressed in a different color of the rainbow.

Some other women called dibs on blue and red first. My friend was left with orange.

Furthermore, all the dresses were trimmed with black accents.

She looked like a Jack-O-Lantern at the wedding.

Stop Telling Me I'm Fat

I had my job interview a couple weeks ago and it went very well. I'm waiting to get an official offer, but the supervisor I interviewed with told my fiance (who works there) that he really liked me. I have to do a background check for this position, and I'm not sure how long that would take, but it will be nice to be employed and be able to save up money for my wedding.

Currently I'm living at home with my parents and trying to write my thesis. It's hard not to get distracted by the pretty things on the internet, or the lovely wedding books my future mother-in-law sent.

There are lots of wonderful things about the wedding industry, and they give lots of good suggestions to brides, but one thing I would like to say to them is, "STOP TELLING US WE'LL HAVE A CRAPPY WEDDING IF WE HAVE A BIG ASS."

Ever since I changed my Facebook status to "engaged" I've been getting lots of wedding-related ads, which is nice because they're mostly relevant. However, some of those ads are for "Weightloss for Brides!"

I watched a wedding show where a bride (who was not even chubby) was told by a personal trainer she needed to shed the flub as she pinched a small roll of fat between her shoulder blades.

On one wedding planning site I visited the checklist includes "Start losing weight."

For someone who wants to lose weight or start exercising for health reasons a wedding can be a good motivator. For other women who are already overspending or stressed out because the wedding industry preys on our fear of looking tacky or cheap, "You're fat" messages are not helpful.

I'm not fat and I know it. Now sell me some wedding candy and shut up.

Super Prepared

I had lunch with a classmate the other day. She is also recently engaged, as of November.

She told me she had picked out her wedding date, selected a venue and caterer, and put down a cash deposit. This busy bride had also decided on a theme, was working on her invitations, and started making her centerpieces (that will need to be stored).

Did I mention her wedding isn't for another 16 months?

Apparently she started planning before her fiance even proposed.

Run man! Run while you can!

Geek Bling

I showed my engagement ring to a senior scientist at the lab, and he said, "Wow! Follow me!"

He took me into the microscope room, where he examined the diamonds in my ring.

He was so excited by the chance to put something new under his microscope he didn't ask who I was engaged to, or when it happened. It was cute how he acted like a child during show-and-tell, and started asking other scientists into the room to "come look at this!"

Ring Quest

Happy new year everyone!

I'd like to share the story about my fiancé and I shopping for my engagement ring before returning to you to your regularly scheduled Snark.

I decided we should pick out the ring together, mainly so he wouldn't get ripped off. (He knows very little about jewelry and what it should cost. You'll see that in a moment). Call me cynical, but I think the jewelry industry makes most of its profits off guys who don't know any better.

First, we went to a big store with lots of employees. I wasn't interested in a large diamond, but I wanted a unique setting, and thought there would be a more extensive selection there. We told the saleslady we were looking for an engagement ring, and she immediately pulled out a large rock and said, "Here's a D colorless diamond. It's the highest grade and the only kind you want, because you want a PERFECT diamond for your engagement don't you? You don't want to have a cheaper diamond that looks yellow . . . we can custom make you a platinum setting . . . do you want a matching wedding band? . . . You should buy this big diamond . . . etc."

We told her we'd think about it. She gave us her business card and wrote the information and price of the diamond on the back. We left with the card, but I decided to throw it away when I noticed the price on the card was higher than what she quoted a couple minutes ago.

Next, the fiancé and I went to a much smaller shop several doors down. It was a family business, run by a charming old man with a foreign accent and his daughter. We told Mr. Jeweler we wanted a D colorless diamond and he said, "Sweetheart, unless you are an expert, you can't tell the difference between a D, E and F diamond with the naked eye. If you want a D, I'll get you one, but I recommend an F. You'll save a lot of money."

The fiancé and I exchanged glances. This shopkeeper actually turned down a bigger sale?

I said, "We'd like a platinum setting." Mr. Jeweler explained that a much less expensive white gold ring plated with rhodium would look just as good, and if I was interested in vintage settings or something intricate, I would have more choices in settings. However, if I really wanted a platinum ring, I could bring him a magazine photo of any ring and he could reproduce it in platinum.

He showed me a filigree ring that I thought was pretty, but wasn't "the one." There was flower-shaped ring that I had spotted when I first sat down at the counter, but it had a very large diamond and I thought it was out of our price range.

I kept staring at the flower ring, though. Eventually, I realized the "large diamond" was actually composed of multiple, smaller stones fitted together, and I asked to try the ring on.

It was beautiful, and it cost less than 1/4 of our max budget. When Mr. Jeweler told us the price, my fiancé asked, "How much extra are the diamonds?" (This is why he is not allowed to go shopping alone).

We were also shown a similar design, but with slightly larger diamonds. As I was trying both on, Mr. Jeweler said, "Get the smaller one. It's a good size for your finger. It's perfect for you."

Wow! This was the third time he turned down a chance to make more money.

He then told us a story (which I'm sure he tells every engaged couple). "Many years ago, when I married my wife, I had no money. I spent $20 on our rings. We have nicer rings now, but I still wear the original ring on a chain around my neck." He pulled a chain out from behind his shirt, which had a thin metal band on it.

"It's not about the size of the ring. It's about the size of your love. And I can tell you two kids are nice people and you'll have a long, happy marriage. Years from now, when you are rich, you can come in and make this poor fellow buy you a 3 carat ring in a platinum setting. Right now, this ring is perfect for you, and I wish you the best."

Sold!

He measured my left ring finger and said, "My god! This is the smallest ring I've ever sold." I have very thin fingers, so the ring had to be cut down to my size. I thought it would take a couple days or weeks, but he said, "Come back in half in hour. I have a workshop upstairs. We'll resize it, replate it in rhodium, clean and polish it for you."

Very soon afterwards, I had the ring of my dreams, and I felt very good about buying from that particular store. I'm sending all my friends there when they need to buy a ring.

Ooh Shiny!

Snark has been neglecting her blog because for the past 9 days she has been busy making phone calls, answering emails, reading Facebook comments, telling and re-telling stories, dodging nosy questions, and in general, letting all her friends and family know that she is engaged.

Yep, after witnessing so many engagements this year that I lost count, I am now one of the girls with a shiny on my finger. It's a funny club to belong to. I've never been a diamond girl, or a sucker for expensive jewelry, but I have to admit, this was the Best Christmas Present Ever.

My boyfriend proposed during dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant next to the ocean. When he got up from his seat I thought he was going to the men's room. He had a lot of liquids that night. My friends joke he was "searching for courage in a bottle" but it was mostly water and coffee.

He crossed over to my side, got down one knee and blurted a little too quickly, "I knew after a month that you were the girl for me and there's probably about a dozen people staring at me right now so please hurry up and say 'yes.'"

There were two thoughts running through my head:
1. "He didn't practice at all, did he?"
2. "Yes!"

There was some clapping in the restaurant. The manager gave us some complimentary champagne and the waiter came by with the dessert cart. My boy and I shared a wonderful chocolate mousse cake, and I was very very happy.

I still am.

Happy new year!

Yet Another One

I went to 4 weddings this year, and I've lost track of the number of engagements among my circle. There's 5? 6 now? I'm not sure.

A 7th? couple just announced their engagement. I hope I have a job next year that can pay for all the presents. Luckily I already have enough dresses and and shoes from this year.

Meanwhile, there will probably be an increase in the number of wedding-related horror stories. For example, someone I'll arbitrarily refer to as Bride5 recently told me about the other really unhappy people she encountered while buying her own dress.

At the shop Bride5 witnessed another bride burst into tears because nothing in the store suited her. She was a large woman, and the salespeople brought her nothing but huge fluffy 80s monstrosities that made her look even larger.

At the same store, Bride5 overheard another bride telling the saleslady "I want this dress to still fit at my wedding." The saleslady said, "Oh lots of brides are worried about weight changes but we can alter the dress closer to the ceremony."

The bride said, "No, I'm 3 months pregnant!" (So she was looking for a magical growing dress).

The saleslady tried to be upbeat. "Oh, after I had my child I fit back into all of my old clothes in 3 months."

The response was, "Oh you did did you? Well then **** you!"

I think weddings stress people out.

Daddy I Want a Solid Gold Pony

My friend's sorority sister got married over a year ago. She planned her wedding, picked out a lavish gown and high-society caterer, then asked her father for $70,000.

He looked at her budget and said, "If you can cut the wedding costs down to $20,000 I will give you $50,000 cash for a down payment for a house."

Instead of considering the offer, or even negotiating for a $35,000 wedding and $35,000 cash, she said, "No Daddy. I want the whole $70,000 for the wedding."

He gave her the money and she had her party.

A year later, older and wiser, she now says, "I should have taken the house money."

You think?

Wedding Bells Keep Ringing

I went to 3 weddings this summer, and I am attending a fourth one this weekend.

Just today, another friend announced her engagement. Plus, two other couples got engaged in September.

It's a conspiracy, I tell you.

But if there's food, I'm not complaining.

Ring Fund

My former co-worker (who graduated and moved across the world to find a job), is barely 21, but announced to us that he has a "ring fund."

"What?"

"I'm saving up to buy an engagement ring."

"But you don't have a girlfriend."

"So?"

Knowing what we did about him, we found it surprising that he was already planning for marriage.

By the way, so you can get a better mental picture, this is the same guy who was a car seat for Halloween.

He bought a car seat, cut arm and leg holes in it, and invited girls to sit on him.

Ka-Ching!

Yesterday I went shopping with my friend (who is getting married this weekend). We went to her wedding site, a party shop, a cafe for lunch, a gift shop, an accessories store, a large make-up shop, a pizza place for dinner, a chocolatier and then her home to make wedding favors. I came home around midnight.

At the cosmetics boutique my friend said to a beautician, "I don't wear make-up, but I'm getting married, and you need to tell me what to do." You could see the dollar signs in the saleslady's eyes.

She selected an array of products and explained why each one was necessary "for good photos" and what they were used for. After giving the bride a make-over she asked if she wanted to buy the items that were used.

"Of course," said my friend, without seeing any of the prices.

As she signed her credit card receipt, she turned to me and said, "Don't look."

The final bill was about $200.

Prior to seeing the receipt I thought, "This seems fun. I should come back." I've changed that to "I'll come back after I graduate and find a job."

Infertility and Infidelity

My co-worker Jane always has stories about her crazy, dysfunctional family. Today she told us one about her uncle.

Uncle and his wife had trouble conceiving a child, due to some fertility problems. The whole family knew the particulars of that particular problem because during Thanksgiving dinner, Uncle announced to everyone that he had a low sperm count.

Some time afterwards, he and his wife adopted a baby girl. A month later, his wife got pregnant. Some people thought, "Gee, doesn't it always happen that way?" However, Grandpa (Uncle's father) was suspicious. (Jane described Grandpa as "having a little more sense" and "being heavily armed.")

While his son was at work, Grandpa took his guns over to his daughter-in-law's home, and caught her with two men from the truck stop.

Grandpa chased off the other men, and wasted no time telling everyone that the bun in the oven did not belong to his son.

Poor Uncle now had two kids that he was not biologically related to. He divorced his wife, gave his adopted daughter to his mother to raise, then proceeded to "shack up with a succession of truck stop waitresses," according to Jane.

At the current time, Uncle plans to marry a nice woman who wants a Catholic wedding. This means Uncle is trying to get his first marriage annulled by the Church.

As part of the application for annulment, 7 family members have to fill out a 8-10 page questionnaire that asks for very personal details of Uncle's relationship(s).

Jane's mother is filling out one of the questionnaires, and keeps calling her to say, "You won't believe what they're asking now!"

One Down, Two to Go

I attended Wedding #1 (out of 3 this summer) yesterday. It was a wonderful, beautiful event and the bride was completely sane and calm.

During the outdoor event, an insect landed on her gown and without thinking, she swatted at it. Then she realized she now had a bug-shaped stain on her dress.

Instead of freaking out, she said, "Crap. Oh well. I t's okay."

I like going to weddings with reasonable people.

Most Efficient Bride Ever

On Saturday I helped a friend pick out a wedding dress. I expected her to spend lots of time trying many, many dresses, going to lots of stores, and being indecisive, as is her right as a bride.

She found her dress in the first store we went to. We were in and out within an hour.

Seriously.

All the dresses in the store were made to order. There were lots of samples to try on, but you could also say "I want the top part of this dress, the bottom part of that one, the straps like so, the fabric on this dress, and the color from that one."

Even with all the choices, my friend knew what she wanted. She tried on about a half-dozen dresses in the general design she wanted, took photos, picked out colors, had her measurements taken by the consultant, placed her order, and received fabric swatches for the florist, all in less than one hour.

Hooray for decisiveness!

Afterwards we went out for cake.

Wedding Brawl

I have 3 weddings to go to this summer, and the first one is in about 3 weeks. Two weddings will bracket my final exams. This weekend, I'm helping a friend pick out a wedding dress. The madness is about to begin.

Bridal season is starting, and I hope it is a lot less drama-free than a wedding my co-worker told me about. I hope this doesn't happen to any of you.

At my co-worker's cousin's wedding, the wedding party had too much to drink at the reception. Fueled by alcohol, the groom became convinced that the bride was fooling around with the best man. The two men began arguing, and decided to settle their differences in the parking lot.

The bride tried to intervene in the flurry of fists, and was accidentally punched. The bride's stepmother, enraged that someone beat her daughter, ran as fast as she could across the parking lot, while her bra struggled valiantly, but failed, to hold in her ample bosom.

Upon seeing his wife in the altercation, the bride's father joined in, resulting in a bride/groom/best man/mother and father of the bride fistfight.

By this time, all the wedding guests had left the reception to watch the effects of too much hard liquor. At least one guest was on her cell phone narrating the fight to someone not present, saying "You won't believe what I'm seeing right now . . ."

Overheard on the Bus

Overly Excitable Woman: "So I hear you're getting married to Sherri."

Calm Groom: "Yes, we're getting married."

OEW: "Oh my god, that's great! I love Sherri! She's such a sweetheart! You're going to be so happy! Sherri's a great gal! She's wonderful! I love Sherri! Oh my god!"

CG: "Yes, it's the most stress-free relationship I've ever been in."

OEW: "She's great isn't she? I love her! Well, obviously in a less carnal way than you, but yeah! I love Sherri! She's wonderful! It's great you're getting married!"

CG: "Yes."

OEW: "So do you like her kids?"

CG: "I haven't met them yet."

OEW: "What? That's not right."

CG: "Well, they're in L.A."

OEW: "No, they're not. They live with her."

CG: "No, they don't."

(pause)

OEW: "Are we talking about the same Sherri?"

CG: "I don't think so."

Faux Proposal

I'm starting to think that my co-worker Molly needs to hang out with people displaying better common sense.

Molly wears her grandmother's antique diamond ring everyday. (It's a family heirloom that was passed to her).

The other night, while sharing a meal with a male dinner companion, he asked to see her ring.

She took it off and handed it to him. The Joker got down on one knee, and asked her to marry him.

Beyond mortified, because the entire restaurant was staring at them, she whimpered, "Yes," hoping to shut him up.

Her agreement had the opposite intended effect. Being an attention whore, and possibly tipsy as well, the Joker stood up and told everyone who would listen, "She said yes! We're getting married!"

All throughout dinner, restaurant staff and customers came over to congratulate the "happy couple." Basking in the attention, the Joker made up stories about how they met, the length of their "courtship," where the ring was from, etc. He was completely oblivious to Molly's discomfort.

I don't know why, but after dinner, instead of telling him to get lost, she agreed to go with the Joker to have drinks at a nearby bar.

Unfortunately, some other people at the restaurant had the exact same idea. When Molly and the Joker reached the bar, they were recognized by some of the patrons as "those kids that just got engaged!"

The congratulations, interrogations and the squeals of "what a pretty ring!" started all over again.

Molly wanted to die.

This is why Molly's a nicer person that me. Instead of suicidal feelings, I would have felt homicidal.

Airbrushed Wedding

The most memorable wedding favor I've ever seen was a mix CD, with a picture of the bride and groom on the front of the CD case.

The reason why it was memorable was because the bride's chest had been photoshopped - badly - to increase her cleavage.

It looked like someone had drawn )( onto her photo, in a color that didn't quite match her skin, and then used the blur tool to try to blend it in.

It didn't work.

Engagements

Two of my friends recently announced they were getting married (not to each other) in June 2008. There was a brief moment of panic at the dinner party when everyone asked "Which weekend?" and then a sigh of relief (especially from both brides) when the dates turned out to be non-conflicting.

One bride then regaled us with the tale of her engagement, which did not involve a proposal.

Exactly.

Her mother asked her boyfriend in a teasing manner, "So when are you guys getting married?"

He replied calmly, "Next summer."

My friend yelled, "There's an answer?"

"Yeah." He maintained his calm.

"But shouldn't we get engaged first?"

"I thought we already were."

My friend accepted this with, "I need to start planning!" (I probably would have responded with, "So where's my damn ring?")

She got her ring a little while later. It was custom-made and set with stones from jewelry from her family. Her fiancé loves the ring. His comment was "Yeah! It looks like I'm making money!"

Although nontraditional, now they have an amusing story to tell the grandchildren.

By the way, that's not the most unromantic "proposal" I've heard of. Someone told me he asked his girlfriend to marry him while they were at Round Table Pizza. Although he didn't say so, I believe there's a distinct possibility he was wearing his Star Wars tie at the time.

Wedding Dress of Doom

Holy Crayola, when I saw this bride I thought her billowing gown looked like a nuclear mushroom cloud.

Note to brides: When you need to crawl into your limo on your stomach, and lie on the floor, your gown is TOO DAMN BIG.

And also, if you plan to use a spray-tanner, go to a professional tanning salon. Do not attack your face with a can of Instant-Oompa-Loompa. You'll look like this.

I'm afraid her wedding party isn't dressed much better either.

I've decided that the neon pink and green nuptials I blogged about before no longer constitute the tackiest wedding ever.