Snark Scribe

Not all of us can meet people of quality

Monday, July 27, 2009

Stalker Bus

Hey Guys, this is a bad way to pick up a girl:

On the bus I saw a man asking a female passenger miscellaneous questions about her life, and telling her about his. She was obviously bored, and trying to give him brief replies such as, "I guess" and "you know."

As the bus neared its destination the guy decided to take a leap. He said, "So, do you have any stalkers?" (Translation, "I could fill that gap in your life.")

She looked at him like he had tentacles sprouting out of his ears. "What?"

He clarified. "Any romantic prospects?"

She told him no and got off the bus.

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Sunday, July 05, 2009

Auntie Val

I'm in the process of collecting names and addresses to send out save the date cards for my wedding. The list is mostly friends and close family, but there are some family members I've decided not to send an announcement to. One of those is my elderly "Auntie Val."

When I graduated high school I sent announcements to many of my family, including Auntie Val. She responded with a very depressing letter. She told me how glad she was that I was pursuing my education, because she didn't have a chance to go to college and her dreams were crushed. Her life was terrible and her marriage was a failure, and she thought about committing suicide on her wedding day. (Did I mention Auntie Val is a bit odd?)

After my mom read her letter she said, "Don't send her a college announcement. Who knows what she'll write next time." I think if I send Auntie Val a save the date card she may respond with, "Congratulations. I'm glad you have a chance to have a good life with a man. If you're lucky he won't be a cheating lying bastard and you won't name your son after a reviled man in history and you won't become estranged from your children and siblings and move to another state and be labeled crazy."

During high school, Auntie Val also sent me a photo of herself. It arrived framed, as if she was sure I wouldn't put it on the mantle unless it was ready to display. (My family digs out that photo whenever she comes to visit from out of state).

During one of her visits she decided to bring me an eclectic collection of gifts. These included printer labels and two boxes of tampons. When my mother tried to politely dissuade her from giving me more tampons in the future by saying it wasn't necessary for her to give me such things, Auntie Val misunderstood. She exclaimed, "She's a big girl now! She's pretty late if she doesn't need tampons!"

The last time I saw Auntie Val was at my grandmother's funeral, which was a traditional Asian ceremony where we burned incense and paper money. Auntie Val, the only Catholic in the family, was apparently offended by our "pagan" practices. She was rude during the ceremony, and behaved coldly towards the family. She didn't seem to realize that what Grandma would have wanted was the most important thing.

If Auntie Val shows up to my wedding and starts throwing a fit because it's a secular outdoor ceremony without a full Mass, I think my family is prepared to ninja her away.