April Fools Recap

I was amused by Google's yearly Aprils Fool's Day joke: The Gmail Autopilot.

I assumed everyone else would catch on that it was fake, especially after reading the letter to the Nigerian scammer Prince Eboh, but that was not the case. A friend told me her husband spent half an hour trying to set it up, then got really mad when he found it was a fraud. (The fact that his wife laughed until she couldn't breathe probably contributed to his unhappiness).

I did fall for one joke. An old classmate announced on Facebook that he was engaged. He had told some people earlier that his parents were introducing him to an Indian girl that week, so everyone assumed it was an arranged marriage that worked out. After garnering many congratulations he told us it was a lie. I think he cheated because he announced the engagement March 31.

I'll get you next year!

Ring Fund

My former co-worker (who graduated and moved across the world to find a job), is barely 21, but announced to us that he has a "ring fund."

"What?"

"I'm saving up to buy an engagement ring."

"But you don't have a girlfriend."

"So?"

Knowing what we did about him, we found it surprising that he was already planning for marriage.

By the way, so you can get a better mental picture, this is the same guy who was a car seat for Halloween.

He bought a car seat, cut arm and leg holes in it, and invited girls to sit on him.

Shotgun or Bow and Arrow?

I was introduced to the mother of a classmate.

After meeting me, Mrs. Enthusiasm exclaimed, "Your English good! Easy for you to hunt a man!"

Yes, she said hunt.

She then chattered on happily, "You go to Hong Kong! You marry boss son!"

Um, thanks. That's definitely my backup plan.

eHarmony Rejects

I saw a commercial the other day that left me perplexed and somewhat amused.

In it, a young woman who had been rejected by eHarmony speculated as to why, but only mentioned benign things such as library fines.

The commercial concluded by inviting everyone to their supposedly more-inclusive, and less judgemental dating service.

Call me a cynic, but I interpreted that to mean, "Hear ye, hear ye, people with criminal backgrounds, bad credit, current spouses and halitosis. If you are one of the leftovers of the dating world, unable to partake of the eHarmony smorsgasbord, come here to meet people with equally low standards."

Bad Match, Poor Odds

I've stated before that my personal vice is reading personal ads and giggling.

The best sites to indulge my vice are the free ones, of course. This is not just because I'm frugal. This is because pay sites screen out a lot of losers. Losers that flock to the the promised land of not having to pay to meet women. Thus, if you want to make fun of people, make fun of the cheap ones.

Of course, I haven't done a real scientific survey, but I've skimmed a lot of profiles and let me tell you: The majority are single for a reason.

I'm not saying a dating profile is a complete, in-depth assessment of an individual's personality. However, given that the user has pretty much unlimited time to think of something clever to say, or even get help from his friends, it's not a good sign when the profile is generic. It says to me he's boring, lazy and possibly stupid.

And not surprisingly, most people on the internet fall into those categories.

For example, on OKCupid I can use the search function draw up a random selection of 100 people in a given area or age range. Out of 100 this was the breakdown of the last run:

9 people I wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley (or anywhere else)
3 guys I'm sure were related to each other (or at least shared the sad-looking, unkempt appearance)
1 boy that looked 13 years old (but claimed to be 20)
1 person who thought "I'm hella introverted" was a good thing to say
1 white guy who flashed "gang signals" that at first glance made me think he was missing a few fingers from an industrial accident
1 man who was holding another woman in his photo
1 man who had two women in his photo, one of which was kissing him
3 men that looked angry
1 guy who proclaimed "I'm not your average pretty-boy type, and goddamned proud of it."
1 guy who was good-looking, but incredibly bland
1 guy who had an interesting profile, but was obese and included a photo of himself putting a mouse into his mouth
1 guy who was good-looking, intelligent and interesting, but seemed "sketchy"
76 people too generic to remember

Yep, plenty of fish in the sea. Too bad most are starting to smell.

Pretzels for Boyfriend

Someone told me she met her boyfriend due to a broken vending machine.

She purchased a bag of pretzels, but the metal coil holding the bag did not turn quite far enough to release it. She put another dollar into the machine, hoping the second bag would dislodge the first. This resulted in two stuck bags of pretzels.

Hungry and desperate, she put a third dollar into the machine. This time, all three packages came tumbling down.

She stood there, her arms full of pretzels, wondering what to do with all of them, when she spotted a guy nearby. Her first words to her future boyfriend were:

"Hey, do you want a bag of pretzels?"

1 Man + 6 Women = Fear

An example of match-making gone very, very wrong:

My Mom decided to "help" our handyman find a girlfriend. You see, when you work for my Mom you don't just get a salary, she tries to throw in a wife as a bonus.

My Mom had a Friend who knew a Woman who was single and about the same age as the Man. The plan was for my Mom to bring the Man to lunch while her Friend brought the Woman.

It turns out that my Mom's Friend didn't know the Woman, she actually knew the Woman's Cousin. My Mom did not know that the plan was for the Friend to bring the Cousin, who would bring the Woman.

Therefore, when my Mom and the Man arrived at the restaurant they met her Friend, the Woman and the Cousin.

Are you still with me? A blind date has turned into a luncheon with 4 women and 1 man.

It gets worse.

The Friend had mentioned the set-up to Two Ladies who worked in the same shopping complex as the restaurant.

The Two Ladies decided to drop by to say hello. (Translation: nose around).

Then, they decided, "Oh well, since we're here, we might as well stay for lunch."

A look of fear began to creep into the man's eyes as he realized he was having lunch with 6 women who were scrutinizing him, his appearance, his personality and his general suitability.

My Mom felt very nervous when she realized the Two Ladies were much prettier than the Woman they wanted to set the Man up with.

You see, the Woman was a bit grumpy, stocky and plain. She also had a rather deep voice, verging on masculine. By herself she might not have appeared so badly, but in comparison to the 5 other women at the table it was painfully obvious that she was, by far, the least attractive one.

At the end of lunch the Man offered to pay (in order not to look cheap in front of all these women). My Mom felt very sorry for him because she knew he expected to be treating only 2 or 3 other people, and not 6.

Afterwards the Man told my Mom, "I'm sorry. I just can't. She's so . . . um, you know. But thanks." As far as I know he has not tried contacting our family since.

When my Mom recounted the story I told her not to attempt further match-making. I know she won't listen.