Straight Right Through Like a Vindaloo

On my trip to Europe last summer, I had a tour guide who reminded us he liked to be called "English," not British." He was a wonderful guide, and had various fond phrases he repeated. I'm not sure whether they were particular to him, or to the English, but here are a few of my favorites:

"useful as a eunuch in a brothel"

"crumbly old coffin dodgers" (in reference to the elderly tour group he led before ours)

"hot enough to boil a monkey's bum"

"love of your life and fire of your loins"

"The English have their buttocks so firmly clenched you can't slide a credit card through."

He suggested we could pick up a hot young Londoner by saying "Hellllloooo. Ding dong! You're not wrong" with an Austin Powers-like growl.

He also informed us that he's rather shocked at how Americans use the word "shag" so casually. When his local movie theater showed "The Spy Who Shagged Me" they had to print "The Spy Who ****ed Me."

While passing out Metro or museum tickets, the tour guide would shout like an auctioneer or carnival barker. "Come one come all, get them while they're hot! Hurry hurry hurry! Come straight through like a vindaloo!"

It took me a few moments to realize he was making a diarrhea joke.

He also taught us rhyming slang. "Britneys" are beers, since they rhyme with Spears. "China" (plate) is a substitute for "mate."

The tour guide was tickled pink when I greeted him one morning with "Wotcha Joel! Thanks for the Britneys me old china!"

(By the way, there were both sodas and beers for sale on the tour bus. When the tour guide told us this he said, "Welcome to Europe!" No one bought them, but we were still amused that it was possible).