Inappropriate Answers to Inappropriate Questions

It's that time of year again: The Holiday Inquisition. Here are some things you might try if you're tired of annoying questions from your so-called loved ones.

Disclaimer: Snark Scribe is not to be held liable for emotional distress, name-calling, vandalism, explosions or the need for family counseling arising out of the use of her bad advice.

Aunt: "You'd be so much prettier if you lost some weight."
You: "You'd look so much younger if you lost a couple chins."

Grandpa: "In my day, only girls who wanted to be spinsters went to college."
You: "In your day there were no elder abuse laws."

Mother: "When are you getting married?"
You: "After his divorce becomes final and he gets out of prison."

Cousin: "My boyfriend just bought me a giant ring. What did yours get you?"
You: "Something that doesn't sparkle like cubic zirconia."

Aunt: "My son-in-law just got a huge promotion at work. How are things going with your fiancee?"
You: "His boss just made him primary hit man."

Sister-in-law: "I am so exhausted from my trip around Europe. But you'd never understand, seeing as how you never go anywhere."
You: "People with typhoid don't have clearance to travel. By the way, did you like the pie I made?"

Grandma: "When are you going to have kids?"
You: "After my psychologist says he's cured my cannibalism. By the way, did you like the pie I made"