Slackjawed Idiot

Remember Horny Boy? This post is about why I think his college nickname should have been Slackjawed Idiot.

In one of my history classes the professor decided to assign large (17-person) groups for a presentation and paper. He called it "an exercise in bureaucracy." I think he was secretly amused at the prospect of throwing together a gaggle of strangers and making them cooperate. I decided to "cooperate" by scoping out the most competent-looking right-hand-man, launching a coup, and then running the group as a joint dictatorship. (Don't look at me like that. We were the only group to get an A).

As you might have guessed, Slackjawed Idiot was assigned to my group. We parceled out the portions of the project based on skill. (Those who could draw worked on posters, the computer guys made the Powerpoint slides, people with writing skills wrote the paper, etc.) When we tried to assign Slackjawed Idiot a task we had very limited options.

"Well, we need speakers," said someone in the group.
"Hey, I can speak!" said Slackjawed Idiot.
This was not met with enthusiasm, but we decided that if we wrote the script for him there should not be a problem.

Hah.

My confidence in him plummeted when I ran into him on campus the next week.

"Hey," he said. "You look familiar."
"Yeah, I do."
"Are you in the ____ club?"
"No. I'm in your class."
"Which class?"
"____ Studies __."
"Really?"
"Yeah, and we're in the same group."
"Wow."
"We had a meeting yesterday. Which you missed."
"Aw, my bad."

He did show up to the next meeting to stare open-mouthed at us. Throughout, he continued to exhibit a conspicuous lack of input on the project, but everyone privately understood it was probably better that way.

On presentation day it became painfully obvious that he had not looked over the material for our project, and probably not even the assigned reading for the class.

I did not expect him to be an engaging speech-maker, but at the very least I thought anyone who claimed to have public speaking skills would be able to refrain from reading directly from the paper, and be able to PRONOUNCE THE FREAKING WORDS CORRECTLY.

He resembled a deer caught in headlights, with the intonation of Ben Stein and the charm of a clam. He was human Nyquil.

Now that I think about it, maybe Stoned Idiot would work, too.