How Not to Gain Entry

One morning I woke up and opened the blinds of my second-story bedroom window. A man was standing outside, staring up at me.

I closed the blinds.

Later, as I was sitting in the kitchen, a ladder suddenly appeared on the side of the house, propped against the roofing over the porch. (Note: I was renting in a building populated by other people. If it were my home and I was therefore sure the ladder had no legitimate business of being there I would have called the police immediately).

I realized that if someone were to try to come in through my kitchen window they would have to awkardly crawl along the sloped roof, reach towards my window while balancing on the rain gutter, then get their hands broken when I slammed the heavy window shut. I was not entirely suprised when the same man from before appear at the top of the ladder. Still, I made note of the frying pans and giant knives I had within easy reach.

"Hi," he said. "I'm the handyman. Can you let me in downstairs?"

"No."

I made sure all windows were closed and locked. Then I put two locked doors between myself and the kitchen and called my landlord.

He didn't pick up the phone so I left a message asking if he had sent anyone over to fix anything.

I resolved myself to being late for work because I had no intention of leaving my apartment while the handyman lurked outside.

A while later the landlord called. "Oh yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you before. I did send someone over."

"I see. What is he here to fix?"

"He's going to work on the roof."

"Okay, then I don't need to let him inside."


Note to landlords: Let your tenants have advance notice when you or a representative will show up.

Note to tenants: If you don't know them or you're not expecting them, don't let them in, regardless of who they say they are.

Note to creepy handymen: Knock on the front door like normal people.

Not born to shop

I was visiting a friend at her home when we saw her younger (teenage) brother leaving the house with a bag of cookies.

"Where are you going?" we asked.

"Birthday party."

"Oh, so you're bringing snacks?"

"This is my present."

"What?"

"This is my present."

"How old is the kid?"

"She's turning 16."

"You're giving a GIRL a grocery store bag of generic Oreos for her sweet sixteen birthday?"

"She likes these."

"Just because she eats them doesn't mean she wants them for her SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY."

"But she likes these."

"They're not even wrapped!"

"No, it's cool."

"How well do you know this girl?"

"She's my girlfriend."

"Do you want her to stay your girlfriend?"

"But these are like, her favorite cookies."

"She may think it's sweet you know what cookies she likes, but she'll also think her boyfriend is a moron for handing her a bag of cheap cookies in front of a bunch of teenage girls at her SWEET SIXTEEN BIRTHDAY PARTY!"

He left the house with the cookies.

When life hands you lemon (flavored lollipops)

Many years ago I had some minor surgery. (I was in and out of the hospital in the same day). I have all sorts of random memories about it: They gave me red slipper socks I got to take home with me. The hospital gown was big enough to wrap around me almost twice. As they put the mask on me I said "Waiiiittt" and fell asleep.

When I woke up there was a bespectacled, smiling man with a thick accent saying, "Would you like a sucka?"

I was still very groggy from the anesthesia and did not understand him at all. "Whaa?"

"Would you like a lemon sucka?"

As I struggled to make sense of this he smiled and held up a package of lollipops.

I nodded although I couldn't really move.

He took the wrapper off the candy and put it in my mouth.

I sucked on it for a little while before realizing the weird texture wasn't just because my tongue was numb. The "sucka" wasn't really candy. It was a piece of gauze on a stick that had been infused with lemon juice. But it was still good.

A short while later the smiling man reappeared. "Would you like anotha sucka?"

I nodded again and he took the dried gauze-on-a-stick out of my mouth and put in another one.

It wasn't until much later I thought, "He was a hospital employee right?"

And "Wait, I'm allergic to lemons."