More Background Checks

Due to my recent background check for a job, I've been told some funny stories about other people's background checks:

My friend "Holly" underwent a check several years ago. During this time, her husband was working as a bartender in a strip club. A detective came to her home to interview her, then insisted on meeting her husband at his work place during active hours, despite alternative arrangements being available. Yep, he practically demanded on going to the strip club. Holly's interview lasted 15 minutes, while somehow her husband's interview lasted 1.5 hours.

Bravo Mr. Detective, you got to see strippers on government dime.

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"Nate" had just started an internship at a law firm when he was contacted by an FBI agent, who wanted to talk to him about a buddy undergoing a background check. Nate wanted to make a good impression at the law firm, and was afraid of what his employers might think if the FBI came in to interrogate him.

He asked, "Um, there's a coffee shop across from my office. Can we meet there?"

The FBI agent said, "A coffee shop is not discreet enough for us. I'll call you back in 5 minutes with another location."

Several minutes later, the agent called back and said, "There's an alley."

Really. I'm serious.

The agent said, "Meet me at the alley next to the coffee shop. I'll be wearing a black trenchcoat."

It was like a bad cliché from a spy movie.

Nate thought, "Is this a joke?" but agreed to meet the agent. Sure enough, on the appointed day, at the agreed upon time, he turned the corner into an alley, and there was a woman in a black trench coat. She really was an FBI agent (albeit one who may have watched too many spy movies).

Transcript Shenanigans

I needed a copy of my undergraduate transcript to mail out with some other documents this weekend. On Monday I requested the transcript from my Old University, and asked for "rush service," which supposedly took one day of processing. The Registrar's city was close enough to my home that mailing should have taken 1-2 days.

On Friday, when it had not arrived, I decided to go in person and pay even more for "same day service," since I needed to mail it Saturday, and would be out of town Monday.

The tricky bit was that the Registrar closed at 4 PM Friday, and until 2:15 PM I still had obligations at New University, which was 1.5 hours away.

Do you see a problem here?

Luckily, The Sister works at Old University. That morning, I told her where to find my undergraduate ID card at my parents' house, and keep it just in case.

There was traffic, and by 3:30 PM that Friday, I knew I wasn't going to make it to Old University before the Registrar closed.

I called The Sister, and told her to impersonate me. I told her the necessary information to fill out the transcript request form, and reminded her how to forge my signature:

"Yes, that letter is looped and connected to the next one. The middle one has a very long downward stroke . . ."

The Sister then ran to the Registrar, gave them the ID and form, avoided eye contact, and was careful not to use the word "I."

As she handed over the ID card, she noticed her own ID card sticking out the top of her wallet, and furtively shoved it in. Later, she told me that if she had been asked about it, she would have claimed it was her staff ID. "You had me thinking like a criminal!"

The Sister Operative got the transcript. When I finally arrived, she pretended to slip it furtively out of her non-existent trenchcoat, and I pretended to slip it into mine. Mission accomplished.