Toxic Roommate

Although my old roommate was selfish, drunk and annoying, at least she didn't try to kill me. One of my co-workers "Jane" related a story about a past roommate that makes mine seem like a blessing.

Jane used to live with a group of 4 girls in a house. One of the girls was the only child of older parents, and had been coddled all her life. When she moved in, her father built a replica of her childhood bedroom for her, in the new house.

Jane remarked, "Wow, that's nice. My dad wouldn't do that." Miss Coddled replied, with wide-eyed innocence, "It must be so sad to have parents that don't love you."

This was Jane's first inkling that Miss Coddled was not drawing with a full box of crayons.

Miss Coddled did not cook or wash dishes. Every weekend she went to her parents' house with a tub full of dirty tupperware, and returned with food her mother prepared for her.

She only ate two things: chicken cassserole and beef casserole. Despite it being clear those containers belonged to her, every single week she put a note on them that said, "Please don't eat me."

She had a habit of leaving similar notes. If the toilet was backed up, instead of writing "Clogged; called plumber" or "Out of order" like a regular person, she wrote, "Please don't use me. I'm broken."

One day, Miss Coddled was going home and told Jane there was an extra casserole in the fridge that she could eat. After Miss Coddled left, Jane thought, "Why waste food?" and ate it.

Ten minutes later, Jane was doubled up on the floor, with horrible abdominal pains, thinking "Bitch tried to poison me!"

The scary thing is, Jane had never argued with Miss Coddled or stolen her food. Miss Coddled apparently simply invented a justification for poisoning her in her twisted mind.

The really scary thing is, Jane found out that Miss Coddled is a kindergarten teacher now.

Google and Fear

I felt ill and decided to Google my symptoms in an attempt to understand what was wrong.

The very first search result said, "Call 911."

I began to panic because I was the only one left at work, and if I passed out there was the possibility of not being discovered until the next morning.

Then I realized the website had an an additional symptom on its list that I did not have. Also, I had an extra symptom I did not Google.

"Oh," I said. "It's just mild food poisoning. I'll be okay once every comes out again, probably in 15 minutes or so."