Hobbit Feet

Dear Men With Hairy Hobbit Feet,

Given the recent good weather, this is a gentle reminder that not everyone is entitled to wear sandals. The majority of you probably know this already, but some of your brethren have been abusing the privilege of wearing open-toed shoes.

You see, I witnessed one of your ilk, to whom we shall refer as Werewolf Legs, take advantage of the spring weather to wear dollar store flip-flops. He then sat down in uncomfortably close proximity, shod only in what amounted to little pieces of plastic on his feet, and propped his leg up next to me.

I would not have noticed the dark 3-4 inch long tufts of hair sprouting from his feet had he not proceeded to fidget and jiggle his flip-flop up and down, slapping it lightly against the soles of his feet. I might not have even noticed the fidgety behavior had I not thought, "What is that sour smell?" and realized, "Nooooo! That pungent odor arises from the pores of Werewolf Legs!"

And yes, Werewolf Legs, I realize you may not have wanted to groom yourself because you were desperate to cling to whatever manly indicators you thought you had. (Your wispy, undernourished, poor excuse for a fu manchu moustache was a testament to this). I am not saying you and your brethren should make regular pilgrimages to the salon. I merely ask, for the sake of our eyes and those of us with delicate nostrils: PLEASE WEAR SOME DECENT SHOES.

Don't Put That in Your Mouth!

I have a friend who has been a bit evasive about letting me meet his girlfriend, despite the fact that we have been friends for many, many years.

Actually, I think that may be the reason he won't let me see her. He's afraid I'll tell her about all the weird disgusting things he did as a kid.

For example, he had his front tooth knocked out in an accident and wore a fake one as a cosmetic coverup. One time we were walking in the city and the tooth popped out of his mouth and fell on the ground.

He picked it up and PUT IT BACK INTO HIS MOUTH.

Egads, are you so vain you cannot survive without the tooth until we get to a water fountain?

So hey Girlfriend, let me tell you about the guy you regularly kiss: One time he picked up something from a sidewalk a homeless man probably peed on, and put it in his mouth.

Hypnosis Makes Your Boobs Grow!

Holy Chestnut! I've seen plenty of scammer psychics and "health experts," but this takes the cake. I saw a woman on TV who claimed she could make your breasts larger . . . through the power of hypnosis.

Yes, hypnosis.

Not only that, but she claimed that "you can change their shape or make them firmer."

There was a short clip of her with a client, who was lying down with her eyes closed, breathing in and out, mentally willing her body to grow what nature couldn't give her.

I don't know which is more disturbing, the fact that the "hypnotist" is making such claims, or that someone is paying her to perform her voodoo.

You know, somewhere out there, is a moron saying, "Gee, plastic surgery seems risky. I bet it's safer to hand my money over to a con artist."

Naughty Nurses in the National Park

Some time ago I took a bus trip to a national park. The tour bus was equipped with TV screens to keep us occupied during the long ride, but everyone had to watch the same movie. Sometimes it was okay (for example, when we watched Batman or James Bond). Other times it wasn't (like when we had to watch the same stupid teen "comedy" twice because they ran out of DVDs).

There was a DVD disc changer hooked up to all of the screens so one movie would end and another would start automatically. Unfortunately, a movie from the tour guide or bus driver's "personal collection" got into the queue.

The movie started. No one recognized it. We watched as a man walked into a suspiciously empty hospital, and was greeted by a posse of nurses. The nurses were very friendly and decided to help the man out of his clothing.

Then we realized OMG They're Showing Us Porn. On a bus full of families with children.

The old people started yelling, "What the hell is this?" which woke the tour guide up. He quickly turned off all the TV screens.

While all the parents on the bus were muttering about the "outrage" I was suppressing giggling fits. For the rest of the trip everyone knew that either the tour guide (or bus driver) liked Naughty Nurses movies.

Pretzels for Boyfriend

Someone told me she met her boyfriend due to a broken vending machine.

She purchased a bag of pretzels, but the metal coil holding the bag did not turn quite far enough to release it. She put another dollar into the machine, hoping the second bag would dislodge the first. This resulted in two stuck bags of pretzels.

Hungry and desperate, she put a third dollar into the machine. This time, all three packages came tumbling down.

She stood there, her arms full of pretzels, wondering what to do with all of them, when she spotted a guy nearby. Her first words to her future boyfriend were:

"Hey, do you want a bag of pretzels?"