The Cheapest Package

Random high school memory:

For prom my school hired a professional studio to take photos, for a fee. Different photo packages were available, with the cost dependent on the number and size of photos.

When my friend "Jenny" and her date reached the front of the line, her date said to the photographer, without any hesitation,"The cheapest package, please!"

Yes, that's what he said. Loudly enough for people much further back in line to hear him. (How do you think I found out about this?)

Mr. Date, I appreciate your lack of shame. And I understand you were in high school and didn't have a lot of money. But would it have killed you to take 3 seconds, look at the price list and say, "I'll take package A" ?

Honest Slacker

I have a job grading papers for a professor with an undergraduate class. The students email their work directly to me. One sent me this message:

"Note: I didn't realize the outline was due until yesterday night @

discussion, so I'm sorry if my outline seems put together at the last

minute...because it really WAS put together at the last minute."

Why are you telling me this? Do you think I'll look at your paper and say, "Hmm, it's subpar, but pretty good for something done at 2 AM in the morning, so I'll give it full credit" ?

Oh, and she forgot to attach the file to her email.

Bad Match, Poor Odds

I've stated before that my personal vice is reading personal ads and giggling.

The best sites to indulge my vice are the free ones, of course. This is not just because I'm frugal. This is because pay sites screen out a lot of losers. Losers that flock to the the promised land of not having to pay to meet women. Thus, if you want to make fun of people, make fun of the cheap ones.

Of course, I haven't done a real scientific survey, but I've skimmed a lot of profiles and let me tell you: The majority are single for a reason.

I'm not saying a dating profile is a complete, in-depth assessment of an individual's personality. However, given that the user has pretty much unlimited time to think of something clever to say, or even get help from his friends, it's not a good sign when the profile is generic. It says to me he's boring, lazy and possibly stupid.

And not surprisingly, most people on the internet fall into those categories.

For example, on OKCupid I can use the search function draw up a random selection of 100 people in a given area or age range. Out of 100 this was the breakdown of the last run:

9 people I wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley (or anywhere else)
3 guys I'm sure were related to each other (or at least shared the sad-looking, unkempt appearance)
1 boy that looked 13 years old (but claimed to be 20)
1 person who thought "I'm hella introverted" was a good thing to say
1 white guy who flashed "gang signals" that at first glance made me think he was missing a few fingers from an industrial accident
1 man who was holding another woman in his photo
1 man who had two women in his photo, one of which was kissing him
3 men that looked angry
1 guy who proclaimed "I'm not your average pretty-boy type, and goddamned proud of it."
1 guy who was good-looking, but incredibly bland
1 guy who had an interesting profile, but was obese and included a photo of himself putting a mouse into his mouth
1 guy who was good-looking, intelligent and interesting, but seemed "sketchy"
76 people too generic to remember

Yep, plenty of fish in the sea. Too bad most are starting to smell.

Todd Goldman Is a Plagiarist, Art Thief and Hack

Perhaps you've seen Todd Goldman's "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" t-shirts marketed by his company David and Goliath. He's also sold pop culture paintings for thousands of dollars.

I've never been fond of his work. I felt it wasn't particularly original. Now I know exactly how unoriginal.

The guy has blatantly ripped off artists like Dave Kelly and Jim Benton. More examples keep popping up.

A lot of examples are here:

His publicist has released this message:
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CLEARWATER, FL, April 11, 2007- Popular post pop-artist, Todd Goldman who has made a career of making fun of the world with his sarcastic commentary and cartoon icons, has mistakenly used the design of an another artist in two of his recent paintings. Todd’s painting, “Dear God, Please Make Everyone Die”, was inspired from a drawing he received unbeknownst to him belonging to an underground web comic artist David “Shmorky” Kelly.

In addition to painting, Todd designs t-shirts for his clothing company, David & Goliath. Todd and his design team create and receive thousands of design ideas every month. It’s no secret that Goldman creates a lot of his painting ideas from his t-shirt designs. Goldman says “I made a judgment error and didn’t research the background of this particular submission. “My intention was not to copy Mr. Kelly. I have never seen his work before and would never intentionally knock-off someone else’s idea.”

Goldman has issued a formal apology to Mr. Kelly and has stated that he will not be using his design again in the future. As a gesture of good faith, Goldman has pledged not profit from his mistake. He will instead donate his proceeds from the painting directly to Mr. Kelly or his charity of choice.

---------

I don't buy the "I didn't know" excuse. Roman Dirge, another artist he ripped off, sent him cease and desist notices a while back and was basically told "yeah whatever."

The statement doesn't address all the other artists whose work was stolen.

Besides, even if Todd Goldman really was unaware of where his underlings got the artwork from, he's still guilty of ripping of his underlings.

Todd Goldman, you're a fraud. I hope people stop buying your garbage.

Random Thought About Amputation

Another reason why medieval doctors were men: In the days before anesthesia, you wanted someone strong enough to saw through your gangrenous leg quickly.

However, excessive speed can be bad. I watched a British medical lecture where the professor recounted a very old story of a physician amputating someone's leg. In his zeal, he took off the infected leg, along with a testicle and a few fingers from the assistant holding the patient down.

Basque Circus Performer

Have you ever heard a story that kept getting worse? Someone told me they were hit on by a

forty-something . . .

androgynous . . .

circus performer . . .

from Basque . . .

who spoke almost no English . . .

except for pickup lines . . .

such as "You look like ze angel."

Geek Throwdown

As an undergraduate I was standing in the office of the molecular biology department of my university when my phone rang. The ringtone was the Star Wars theme.

Someone behind me commented, "It's okay, we're all geeks here."

I turned around and said, "Yes, but you know what's really geeky is that I programmed this in myself."

Chubster Geek opened up his binder and showed me one of the pages. It was a scoresheet for Dungeons and Dragons.

I countered, "I hang out with people who dress like they're from D&D."

He said, "LARP?"

I said, "No, SCA."

In the end I think he won. He owned a t-shirt that said "Girls are no substitute for playstation."

Tampon Nose

My roommate's brother had a nosebleed during a car drive. Nobody had any tissues. The only absorbent thing available was a clean tampon my roommate had in her purse.

She offered it to him, and he freaked out. He absolutely refused, even though he was bleeding profusely, and the tampon was new and still in the package.

In the end he used his shirt. He decided it was better to ruin his clothes than to stick a wad of feminine cotton up his nose.

Tch.

Marking Your Territory

My parents are locked in a battle with the neighborhood cats, who seem to have selected our garden as their favorite litter box. The stress is starting to show.

My dad: "The stupid cat peed on the lawn again!"

My mom: "Maybe you should too. You know, 'I'm bigger than you and this is my territory!'"

She giggled, so she's still sane.

Weirdest Pick-Up Line Ever

From someone who described himself as a "nihilist pyromaniac":

"Would you like to have some fun with a well-oiled dwarf?"