Good News and Bad News

I'm currently in a new apartment. Wooo!

The other week I saw an ad looking for a roommate, and I pounced. The timing was perfect because my internet got cut off, and the city sent a notice threatening to shut off the water. There were two rat incidents this month as well.

I moved the weekend before Thanksgiving, and waited until I was done moving to notify the landlord because I was afraid those deadbeats would stop paying even more utility bills.

I called the landlady, expecting to hear a long sob story from her. Perhaps she was so surprised by the departure she didn't have anything to say, but she calmly made an appointment to meet with me last Tuesday to get my keys and return my deposit.

I suppose I should have expected it, but the bitch did not show up.

I sat in the empty house waiting for her. 15 minutes after our scheduled appointment time I called her.

"Mrs. ____, are you stuck in traffic?"

"I can't come today. I'm out of town."

"What? What do you mean you're out of town? You picked this day and time for us to meet."

"I'm not coming. I'm out of town."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was a sudden thing."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I don't have your phone number."

Liar! How in the hell did you call me early this month to hassle me for more money?

She then suggested we make another appointment during Thanksgiving weekend. No lady! I'm leaving town. I'm not coming back just so you can stand me up again.

I was so mad. Knowing how shady these people are, I had prepared a document for her to sign, stating, "As of this date, I've inspected the house, and Snark has returned the keys and is no longer responsible for anything that happens to the house, has paid all her bills, etc. etc."

Now she has my deposit and can accuse me of vandalizing the place or stealing the ugly crap she has stored in the garage and living room.

I absolutely did not want to retain possession of the keys during the time the house is empty, especially during the holidays, with a big "FOR SALE" sign out front. I went to the landlady's real estate agent's office, gave her secretary the keys, and got a receipt for them.

That wasn't ideal, but I hope it was the best I could do at that time.

The landlady "promised" she'll mail me my deposit check.

If it doesn't come very very soon I'll make it clear to her that crossing me is not worth $200.

Gobble Gobble

I have been very quiet because I've been busy moving, and dealing with a broken laptop and internet issues. (I'm on a borrowed computer and connection).

Yep, I found a new place to live. I'll spill on the details regarding my Super Bitch Landlady in the future, when the holiday crazy-time is over.

Have a happy turkey day people.

Ass Stones

Can someone tell me whether this is a male thing or the men in my lab are unusually comfortable revealing intimate details about their bowel movements?

At lunch the other day Guy #1 told us about his episode of constipation. We found out how long it lasted, how it felt, what positions were uncomfortable to him, what remedies he tried, what medication worked and what the final release looked like.

Guy #2 exclaimed, "Wow, that sounds painful! It's like ass stones!"

Guy #3 said, "That's Type I on the Bristol Stool Chart! Hard like nuts!"

Guy #1 said, "They were really shooting out."

Guy #2 laughed, "Haha like a gun!" then started making shooting and flicking motions with his fingers, accompanied by "Bew! Bew!" missile noises.

One day they grow up, right?

Take Your Child (and Drama) to Work Day

Note: The nonprofit I was working for lost its funding and I lost my job, but I still have some tales to disgorge so you'll continue to see work stories. (I also do unpaid research in a lab for school, so some "work" stories are from there).

---

The building had a "take your child to work day." I was put in charge of making goodie bags with candy and toys, and running the science activities. One of the admin staff was responsible for e-mailing all the parents in the building to let them know about the scheduled fun.

I later found out that Petty Woman selectively e-mailed people she got along with, or whose children were friends with her grandkids. When confronted by other staff she said "it would be too crowded" with too many kids, and arbitrarily capped the number of children allowed to 10. Not surprisingly, her 3 grandkids made the cut.

Since everyone thought that those who organized the activities (not Petty Woman) should be able to say how much was "too much," those who weren't invited brought their children anyway. Besides, if crowding really was an issue, it should have been "first come, first served," not "if I like you."

The kids that came had a great time doing science experiments, and I'm just appalled that someone would try to deprive them because she wasn't buddies with their parents.

By the way, 3 days after the event, Petty Woman told us her granddaughter lost the goodie bag. Instead of telling her, "Too bad; be more responsible with your presents," she guilted us into making a special treat bag for the kid.

Edible Surprises

My friend's mom works as a nurse. She was prepping a very obese woman for surgery and found a forgotten sandwich on her body.

I'm not sure how to say this diplomatically, but the sandwich was sandwiched between some rolls of flab on her stomach, and was decomposing.

I really hope she was lying to me.

Scapel License

Overheard:

Idiot 1: "It's so not fair that it's so hard to get into med school!"

Idiot 2: "I know! There are probably lots of people that really want to go but can't get in because they have bad grades."

Idiot 1: "Yeah, like there are people I've met that maybe aren't that smart, but they're really caring and I think they would still make good doctors."

Idiot 2: "It's just as important to have a really nice personality. I wish those people got a chance, too."


No thank you. If you failed biology I don't want you operating on me.

Batty Nonsense

I and two other friends dressed as fancy bats for a Halloween ball. We wore black ballgowns and made caped wings and hats with bat ears.

There was a guy at the party who looked 15, but was probably much much older. He was wearing a black cape and a top hat with some non-costume clothing, so I assume he was trying to be a half-assed vampire. (There is a possibility he was simply a magician, but based on his behavior I don't think that was the case).

He spotted us sitting at a table eating sweets and came over to talk to us. I'm not sure if he had a speech impediment, or was trying to fake a foreign accent, but he made intense eye contact and muttered something about "creatures of the night." Instead of projecting an aura of suave mystery, he simply appeared to us as a weirdo mumbler because we could not comprehend any of his pick-up lines.

I think the poor fellow's thought process went something like this:

"OMG! Bats! Bat ladies! And I'm a vampire! This is my chance! I am going to be all cool and mysterious and be like, 'Hey chickies I'm your master!' "

"Okay okay, I'm standing next to them now. Stay cool man! Show an interest in their stuff. Chicks like that."

"Crap! They looked at me weird when I picked up their personal belongings from the table. Okay, note to self: Don't need to touch things to ask about them."

"Hmm, all right, that girl seems mad. I'm going to go around to the other side of the table and bother her friend. I'll try to keep my hands to myself this time."

"Why can't these girls understand what I'm saying? They keep giving me answers that have nothing to do with my questions! Don't they know how to decipher a fake Romanian accent?"

"Wait, who's that tall dude who's giving me dirty looks? Oh crap! Oh major crap! He's a boyfriend, I know it. Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

I felt sorry for him, so I pretended he was just asking for candy, and gave him some Smarties.