Addiction to Junk

My boss has a habit of buying things from mail-order catalogs because they are cheap, and not because she really needs them. (I've written about some of her previous purchases before).

It's obvious she has a problem because she has the packages and catalogs sent to the office, so her husband won't see them.

Despite a conspiracy to hide the catalogs from her, and telling her she's not "saving" money by spending it on junk, packages still show up. She claims they were "back-ordered."

I decided to look through the last catalog that came in the mail, to see what the allure was. It was filled with "As Seen on TV" kitchen gadgets, and tacky home decor items.

One item in particular caught my eye. It was a Thanksgiving decoration that I showed my boss.

"Geez," I said, "who would buy a giant plush turkey toilet cover?"

My boss looked down. "I have one of those."

She's officially helpless.

Pizza Misfits

I was with a group of friends and we decided to order a pizza.

I'm allergic to tomatoes, so we couldn't have sauce.
One friend is a vegetarian, so we couldn't have meat.
Two people keep kosher, so we couldn't have dairy and meat on the same pizza.
Some other people are simply picky eaters who veto certain toppings.

We finally settled on a pizza with dough, cheese, green chili peppers and bell peppers. It was the strangest pizza I've ever had, but it could have been worse. We had two friends that were not present at the gathering:

One is lactose intolerant, so we wouldn't have been able to get cheese.
The other has celiac disease, so we wouldn't have had wheat dough.

Mmmm, bell peppers with chilies.

Engineers on the Bus

I was on the bus (yes that happens a lot) and I sat near 3 men, all of them engineers. One was "fixing" a retractable pen using a large Leatherman pocket knife.

His cohort, who had slightly more common sense, asked, "Is that safe? If the bus were to crash you'd lurch forward and stab Terry."

The man with the knife replied, "I'd never stab Terry. I'd stab myself first." Then he continued shaving little pieces of plastic off the pen as the bus rattled down the highway.

(If you're curious, during the rest of the 20 minute ride their conversation jumped between varied topics such as eigenvalues, solving matrices, how to spot a future engineer in elementary school by his proclivity towards pen disassembly, and how "crusty" umbilical cords give them "the willies," although changing diapers are okay).

May the Green Be With You

This morning I put on a green shirt with a monkey face, just so some giggly idiot wouldn't pinch me.

Later, I saw a tough-looking guy wearing a t-shirt that said, "Fight me. I'm Irish."

I think his way was better.

Oh My God You Know Him?

During my freshman year of college I lived in the dorms. One of my neighbors was a girl who was obsessed with the school's male acapella group. She went to all of their performances, and was particularly smitten with one of the singers, who went to my high school. Her dreams were crushed when we had the following conversation one day about the fellow I'll call Dirk:

Groupie: "Have you heard the [acapella group]? There's this one guy named Dirk Smith who's so cute!"

Me: "I went to high school with him."

Groupie: "Oh my god! You know Dirk Smith?"

Me: "Not really, we just went to school together."

Groupie: "That's so cool! You know Dirk Smith!"

Me: "No, we weren't friends --"

Groupie: "I can't believe you know Dirk Smith!"

Me: "We're not close or anything. We --"

Groupie (with a mixture of fear and awe): "Is he going to come visit?"

Me: "No. He's not coming to our dorm."

As the Groupie looked crestfallen, I considered whether or not to tell her he was gay. The decision was made for me when a friend walked into my room and asked, "What are you talking about?"

Groupie: "Dirk Smith!"

My friend: "The gay guy?"

Groupie: "He's gay? Really? He's gay?" (Wahhhhhhh).

I confirmed this information, but decided to spare her the pain of knowing that one of his nicknames was "man whore."

Overheard on the Bus

Overly Excitable Woman: "So I hear you're getting married to Sherri."

Calm Groom: "Yes, we're getting married."

OEW: "Oh my god, that's great! I love Sherri! She's such a sweetheart! You're going to be so happy! Sherri's a great gal! She's wonderful! I love Sherri! Oh my god!"

CG: "Yes, it's the most stress-free relationship I've ever been in."

OEW: "She's great isn't she? I love her! Well, obviously in a less carnal way than you, but yeah! I love Sherri! She's wonderful! It's great you're getting married!"

CG: "Yes."

OEW: "So do you like her kids?"

CG: "I haven't met them yet."

OEW: "What? That's not right."

CG: "Well, they're in L.A."

OEW: "No, they're not. They live with her."

CG: "No, they don't."

(pause)

OEW: "Are we talking about the same Sherri?"

CG: "I don't think so."

Damn Crafty Junk Mailers

I received a junk mail letter that I opened because I thought it was a real letter.

My name and address was hand-written in pen. There was also a real postage stamp, not a bulk rate or metered stamp.

What surprised me was that even after they got me to open the envelope, they continued their efforts.

Inside, there was a hand-written post-it note that said, "Snark, you've gotta see this! L"

It was stuck to a carefully folded newspaper clipping touting information on how to become a millionaire.

Freakin' shysters.